Veteran talk show host and Republican spokesman Rush Limbaugh left the airing of his radio show yesterday and was rushed to a local hospital after sustaining injuries from pulling a statistic out of his ass.Limbaugh’s prodigious ass, known for holding a wide assortment of facts, quotes and figures, is also home to an ever-present array of statistics. Normally blessed with ample girth and an excessively wide opening, the removal of facts and statistics from Limbaugh’s ass has never held any threat of injury until yesterday. Limbaugh was reaching into his ass to retrieve a statistic on the “bald face lie known as global warming.” when the accident occurred.
Unable to retrieve the statistic, Limabugh ignored the warnings from Mr. Snerdly and attempted to remove the statistic with both hands, causing him to slip and his head to become lodged in his own ass. He was last seen being wheeled into the hospital on a stretcher, double-chin deep and asking for a "couple of handfuls of Oxycontin" to ease the pain. The surgeon attending Limbaugh told reporters that it appears these statistics were unexpectedly caught on a swollen hemorrhoid and a half-digested corndog lodged in Limbaugh's colon.
Limbaugh’s lawyer told reporters that his client was doing fine, appreciated the many letters of support and should be out of the hospital in a matter of days. After grunting and reaching behind himself, the lawyer held up a paper and said that 87% of all radio-show personalities have "ass/statistic" problems, and that 98% of all liberals are spawned from the loins of Satan himself.
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