Ask Arnold - in progress

Dear Arnold,
I’m worried I might be pregnant. It's very early, but are there certain signs to look for to see if I might be pregnant.
Cindy

Dear Cindy,
If you get fat, cry a lot, and your boyfriend stops calling, you might be pregnant. Or it could be that you’re not pregnant just fat, emotional and really annoying.

Dear Arnold,
I was told you can use vegetable shortening to cure diaper rash. Is that true?
Beth

Dear Beth,
I don’t know. Will pouring a bottle of whisky on my ball sack grow back the nut that got blown off at Da Kang? How about licking the hindquarters of an enchanted fairy who lives in an elm tree? I hear that clears up a raging case of gonorrea. You people are a bunch of idiots.

Dear Arnold,
My son wheezes a lot and has been diagnosed with Asthma. Are there some day-to-day things I can do to lessen the chances of an attack
Concerned


Dear Concerned,
There’s no such thing as asthma. If he's not hacking up yellowish-green phlegm 10 to 20 times a day his lungs are too dry and he needs to smoke more. The next time your son starts faking the wheezies, stick a cigarette in front of his face and tell him to suck it down. This builds up lung power and lubes the lungs with healing phelgm. Keep this up until he stops whining or passes out. Either way he'll feel better.

Dear Arnold,
One of my friend's children is the same age as my son, but she is already counting. They're both two and a half. Is my child behind?
Gertrude

Dear Gerturde,
I had a cousin who was late in learning to count. He drools a lot and keeps getting his hand caught in his own zipper. Not saying your kid will drool, but I’d keep him away from zippers just to be safe.

Dear Arnold,
I was thinking of modeling my child. She is quite unique and attractive. Do you have any suggestions of where to start?
Donna

Dear Donna,
I’ve got some news for you. Your kid’s about as unique as that wart growing on my ass. What makes you think the world cares about seeing your little angel dressed up like a midget hooker?