Bin Laden Livens Up Videos with Bloopers and Pranks

After acknowledging a drop in ratings to his videos, a spokesman for Bin Laden announced that he is exploring new avenues to get his message out.

“We’ve really dropped in the 18 to 34 demographic. So we thought we’d try to show the funny side of terror,” said an un-named spokesman for Bin laden. “You get these al-Qaeda members together anything can happen. It's as easy as turning on the camera and let the hilarity insue.”

Followers in the Middle East and enemies in the West will see a lighter side of Bin Laden. On one out-take he fumbles, saying,”...the lintrails of the zio…” to which he chuckles and you can hear the camera man laugh. “Wait... did I say lintrails?” Bin Laden asks looking around. “I meant to say, may the entrails of the zionist pig dogs flow through the bloody streets of America… geesh I’m really behind on my dialysis.”

Also debuting is an al-Qaeda version of "Punk’d" called “You’ve been Fatwa’d!” From exploding sandwiches to a suicide bomber who’s vest was rigged not to explode but rather to make embarrassing farting noises, you’ll see al-Qaeda members prank each other. From dressing a member up to look like an American and dropping him off in Iraq, to a television set that levels a three story building.

“It’s Benny Hill meets Abu Musab al-Zarqawi,” says the al-Qaeda spokesman. “Great stuff. And they’ll be the traditional threats of world violence and imminient detruction we’ve all come to love and expect. So really, it’s the best of both of worlds.”

Conservative PBS Programming Shake Up?

Public television announced that it will shake up PBS’s core children’s programming for all public television stations. A spokesman for PBS says that these changes are unrelated to the controversy going on with the corporation and do not reflect a shift to the right.

Of the shows to be dropped, Travels with Buster was the first to get cut. "It has nothing to do with the showing of a gay couple, it has to do with fund cutting, ratings and we think that it’s dangerous for kids to believe a rabbit can fly a plane.”

DragonTales has been cut, said the spokesman.” We don’t believe that “magic” or any hints toward fictional creatures like “dinosaurs” have any place on our public airwaves.

A new segment will be added to Sesame Street, Hardline with Bigbird. "Here we'll have a roundtable with Cookie Monster, Grouch and a special guest where current topics like activist judges, abortion and gay rights will be tackled. The first new guest will be Karl Rove. Brought to you by the letter W."

Also a new Muppet Jesus will be added to the Sesame Street line along with his sidekick Cruci the Crucifix.

“We're very excited. The Jesus segment will be a song-filled romp around the world, discovering new religions and teaching why each of them is a one-way ticket to hell."

“All of these changes are standard throughout the year as we evaluate the appeal of our shows,” the spokesman said. “Contrary to many reports from the mainstream media, it is not influenced by conservatives. There are many other self-reflective questions we will be asking in the future like, what’s the deal with all these colored people on PBS? We’re going to need to do something about that.”

Album Review: Dawn Smithson - Safer Here

Dawn Smithson - Safer Here
(2005, Kranky)

After a six year hiatus from recording, former Jessamine bassist Dawn Smithson has returned with a new collection of stark, intensely personal songs. It's clear from the beginning that she has no intention to forray back into the spacey psychodellia of her former band, although former bandmate Rex Ritter (also of Fontanelle) offers up accompanyment on "How Thoughtless".
Smithson's new songs are grounded in something darker. They exude lonliness and feel like they're trying to make sense of some unknown trauma. For the most part the music of Safer Here stays focused on Smithson's guitar and vocals. She also plays bass, accordion and keys on the album, but they only crop up as punctuation.
The lady herself has said she thinks the album is better listened to alone. I would go one step further and say that the Safer Here is better listened to while doing no activity other than listening to Safer Here. The music's gravity sucks everything else out of the room. It's hard enough to lift my arms to type these words while listening. Talking to another human? Forget it. As she plucks away at her seemingly frail arpeggiated dissonance, her words of stalwart survival demand every ounce of your attention. They offer cold comfort and on the odd occasion even hope.

Album Review: Paul Duncan - Be Careful What You Call Home

Paul Duncan - Be Careful What You Call Home
(2005, Hometapes)

The music of Paul Duncan draws you in with an intimacy that few artists posess. You feel welcome and comfortable which is odd considering that the running theme of Be Careful What You Call Home is dissatisfaction with and emotional distance from the place you are. What is a home? How do you connect with it? Do you have to go to it or create it where you are? What do you do when you HAVE created it and then one day look up to see that it holds nothing for you?
In working through these questions Duncan holds back alot from the listener. The words are sparse and vague. They couldn't do the subjectmatter justice anyway. Instead Duncan lets his music do most of the talking. Originally from an unnamed town in East Texas, He clings to his small town sensibilities while spinning them into big city arrangements. With the help of eight other musicians Duncan constructs intricate, yet unassuming, composition that never wear out their welcome. The longest track has a running time of only four and a half minutes. Occasionally traditional acoustic instruments meet with a bit of technological manipulation. Despite their complexity, the songs on Be Careful What You Call Home never become cluttered. The instruments always have room to breathe giving the songs an aspect of freedom and buoyancy.
On occasion Duncan endulges in some artsier flights of fancy. Nothing so obtuse as to disrupt the album's flow but it has insighted comparisons to Chicago musicians, most notably Jim O'Rourke and Sam Prekop. However Duncan's music never gives way to the stuffy pretense that his Chicagoan counterparts often revel in. Plus if you're absolutely starving for a new Iron & Wine long player, Be Careful What You Call Home is MORE than satisfactory to fill that void.

Blogger Posts 1000th Inane Article.

A milestone was reached in the blogosphere today. After waking up at noon, Chad Johnson posted his 1000th blog article to little fanfare. After rambling about Bush and the Iraq war, Johnson posted some pictures of his cat Taurus sleeping on the sofa. There were four comments, one from his mother, one from a friend in hopes of bringing visits to his own blog sexymanpoet.blogspot.com and two from Anonymous, who it turns out is Johnson himself.

"I am the master of Bloggiating, I made that term up myself. I drink about 10 cups of coffee and then I start with my Bloggerhea, that's taking what's in my head and sharing it with the world. I usually blog naked, it helps me think, and makes for easy transition to Pornalating. That's another term I made up myself."

“I think as a middle-age white male in America,” Chad continued, “I’ve got a different insight than what you might hear from MSM. That’s the Mainstream Media and they totally suck if you haven’t figured that out.”

A sample of his post titles are “Bush is Warmonger”, “Bush Lied”, “Warmonger Bush,” “Lying Warmonger Bush Lying.” And “Warmongering Liar Lying in Bush Waiting for War.”

“I’ve got the hits going now. I’m averaging 1200 hits a day. 1000 are mine, 195 are misdirected, but those last 5… those last 5 are people I’m connecting with. We're sharing. We’re Blogelating you know. I know I’m making a difference in the world and not just taking up space on a server. In fact, after this interview I’m going to blog about it. Probably title it “Bush Sucky Lying Liar War Mong Mong.”

Amish Girls Reach Across Cultural Divide

Susan Miller and Laura Brown have broken down the barriers of their radically different lives to show what can happen if people look beyond cultural and religious differences. Susan who is Amish from Western Pennsylvania has formed an unlikely friendship with Laura, an Amish woman from Eastern Pennsylvania. Though these groups rarely meet because of the week-long 120 mile trek, they keep in contact through letters and carrier pidgeon.

“They don’t let their differences keep them apart,” says Abraham Miller, Susan’s father. “Susan likes to churn butter with a oak spoon, where as Laura churns butter with a cedar spatula. Laura uses hemp line to mend her skirts where Susan uses cotton fiber. “It’s crazy I tell you,” says Susan’s father Abraham. “We tolerate Laura's alien ways, because it’s not one’s place to condemn a culture as foreign and sin-filled as hers. We leave that for God.”

Among other cultural differences, Susan rides a buggy to church where as Laura walks. You might be asking yourself, how do these girls find common ground?

“We try not to let the big differences get in the way. Because she’s so different, I learn more about myself. Though her usage of a butter churn her father made will condemn her to a fiery hell, I try not to let the stench of her sin get in the way of our friendship.”

“Susan fastens her cloths with buttons and her father wears one suspender not two. This unfortunately means she will become Satan fodder in the bowels of eternal hell,” says Laura, “but she makes me laugh and that’s what counts.”

Spreading the Christmas Love

by Artimus Peeflower

You know. It might just be the pint of Georgia Moon speaking but I love this time of year. I just got back from slaughtering a tree for Jesus, decorating it with Christmas lights, and forcing my child to sit and watch the pre-programmed 8-mode light display. "Look boy," I tell him. "You see that flashing tree? It died for Jesus and Jesus died for you, so recognize!"

I put it in the window so my sorry-ass neighbors can see that I’m bringing the Christmas cheer to my house and that warms the cockles of my motherfucking heart. "So shut up boy," I tell him. "Sit down and respect the fucking tree."

I put up a nativity scene in front of my house. I got the plastic Jesus, the Mary, and the Joseph. I got sheep, lambs, three wise men, all that crap. My neighbor was looking at it when he was leaving his house and I wanted to spread the holiday cheer so I said, “That’s Jesus you fucking towel head. He puts the Christ in Christmas. Go to church sometime and you might learn something!” It's important to give back to the community like that.

Me and my buddies have a carolling group going. We go out and sing all the Christmas favorites. Jingles Bells, Rudolph, Hark the herald angles sing fa la la la la motherfucking la! There’s nothing better than ending a good night out drinking with your buddies than singing in front of somebody’s house at four in the morning. It’s like being awakened by angels.

I know there’s Channuka, Kwanza and all that crap. That’s cute and all, but nothing captures the message of Christmas like Christmas. I put a 25-foot tall crucifix on my front yard and wrapped it in blinking icicle lights. On top is Santa and his reindeer and a 32 million-watt light that shines down on my nativity scene like the eye of God. That’s what it’s all about really. Jesus, lights, dead trees, fat men in red suits breaking into your house, and brotherly love... not in that gay way though. So enjoy the holidays folks and respect the fucking tree!

Reviews of The Happy Bullets and The Tah-Dahs

The Happy Bullets - The Vice and Virtue Ministry / The Tah-Dahs - Le Fun
(2005, Undeniable Records)

I am officially declaring the Dallas based Undeniable Records as my new favorite label in the world. With their first two releases they've injected some life into what is becoming, quite frankly, a stagnant indie scene. Niether The Happy Bullets nor The Tah-Dahs are revolutionary, or even all that original but both bands ARE infectiously catchy, extremely clever and just plain fun. Both tackle mundane, sometimes outright depressing, subjects with a skip and a whistle making the plight of their songs' subjects seem even more futile.

The Happy Bullets keenly balance the serious and the whimsical. Their songs are like 3 minute snapshots of other people's lives. The characters in their stories are mostly oblivious to the pathetic state of their lives. An official of the Department of Weights and Measures insists that he's "The only one standing in the way of total chaos." A young man forces himself to resign his dreams as he learns to love the factory. A Suburban housewife gets a brief glimps of the apocolypse. Although the lyrics are written in character they could apply to pretty much anyone's life.

With duel songwriters, the musical stylings on The Vice and Virtue Ministry switch tracks constantly. It's obvious from the title and cover art that Jason Roberts and Tim Ruble have something of an affinity for Brit-pop. The Kinks are there, only half-buried in the mix. The track "Mr. Gray" is an answer to ELO's "Mr. Blue Sky" in Jeff Lynn's own style. If everyone's so happy to see Mr. Blue Sky then how must Mr. Gray feel? The Happy Bullets have other tricks too. The individual song's style is taylored to it's character. There's a bit of The Shins, The Decemberests and bassist Andrea Roberts offers a portion of girlie pop a la Cub or Heavenly. Producer Stuart Sikes (Modest Mouse, The Walkmen, White Stripes, etc…) adds a bit of unobtrusive polish and rounds things out nicely.

The Tah-Dahs are no less jauntly but their influences seem to be more homegrown. They can deliver a damn good song even if the attempts at lyrical cleverness sometimes fall flat. Not everyone can be Franklin Bruno. Still, the cheekiness and obscure movie referrences on Le Fun are undeniably charming and when lyricist Roy Ivy plays the words just right you realise how much better the band is going to get. For now the main concern is girls. Ivy may sing about making mix tapes or dismissing cute, hipster bands but at the gooey center of every track is yet another girl.

Stylisticly The Tah-Dahs' aim is fairly true. Taking elements of The Modern Lovers, The Feelies and The Pixies, they twist the these tales of frustrated adolescence into solidly well-crafted songs. Le Fun may begin as a glorified prom soundtrack but by the end proves itself to be a cleverly enjoyable romp that lusts to reclaim the adventurous goofiness of youthful inexperience. No it's not a perfect album but it shines often and can perk you right up for the drive to work or school or wherever it is you people go.

Emails from Michael Brown at FEMA During Katrina

From: Brown, Michael D.
Sent: Wendesday, August 31, 2005
To: Grozny, Dan
Subject: Re: Help Required. Need More Supplies Immediately

Gotcha Dan. Hey check this picture out. It’s hilarious.

Fatgirlmotorcycle.gif

-------Original Message------
From: Grozny, Dan
Sent: Wendesday, August 31, 2005
To: Brown, Michael D.
Subject: Help Require More Supplies Immediately

Sir, we are in desparate need. Food supplies are running out. People are about to riot. Dead are piled on the street. No phone connectivity. Please hurry, we need help now!



_______________________________________


From: Brown, Michael D.
Sent: Thursday, September 01, 2005
To: Green, Sally
Subject: Re: New Orleans

I understand Sally. What is it exactly that you need me to do?


-------Original Message------
From: Green, Sally
Sent: Wendesday, August 31, 2005
To: Brown, Michael D.
Subject: New Orleans

There’s 1000-gallon tanker truck with much-needed water at the state line. it doesn’t know where to go. Please send word to the driver that it is badly needed here at the Convention Center in New Orleans.


_____________________________________



From: Brown, Michael D.
Sent: Thursday, September 01, 2005
To: Grozny, Dan
Subject: Re: Situation Deteriorating Quickly

What’s a levee? Look, I’ve got a big press conference right now. I bought a brand new blue button-down shirt for it and it looks fabulous. I think I’m going to WOW everyone! I see a big promotion coming out of this. Cross your fingers.


-------Original Message------
From: Grozny, Dan
Sent: Wendesday, August 31, 2005
To: Brown, Michael D.
Subject: Situation Deteriorating Quickly

The levee system has crumbled. Water is continuing to rush in. Please send for more help. People are drowning. Thousands still stranded on roof tops.

I Ain't Scared of No Bird Flu

By Ralph Breakwind

I guess have to start this by saying I love chickens. And by that I mean I really really love chickens... if you know what I'm saying. Some folks have been coming up to me lately saying Ralph, you’ve got stop hanging out at that chicken coop. The bird flu’s going around, the neighbors are talking, and you smell like bird. You know what I tell them, don’t put your hang-ups on me man. Don’t hold me down with your closed minds.

Have you ever felt the sensation of a full-body peck when you accidentally rolled naked over a pile of chicken feed and just happen to stumble into coup. Have you ever had a chicken give you “that look” you know what I’m saying, that “I won’t say no” stare? Have you ever witnessed chicken on chicken action? If you had, then you’d understand. If not, take your hateful stares elsewhere you fascist.

Now everyone’s hatin’ on the birds because of this bird flu. Saying Ralph you’re going get some disease hanging out with those chickens. You’re going to mutate that chicken virus until it goes airborne. Give me a break. Sure, I get the occasional rash and open sores, but have you ever been in the throes of passionate love and had your partner lay an egg on your chest? Have you? Until you do, you just won’t get it.

So you don't scare me with your little flu story. Just keep your hating ways to yourself. Until you can open your mind to all kinds of love then you’ll live in a dark world where a man’s wife leaves him just because she finds a chicken straddling his face in bed. I can’t help that I’m so enticing to the fine hens. I’m all about spreading the love. So remember, once you go chicken, nothing else is lickin’. Okay I need to work on that, but you get the idea.

Ask Arnold - in progress

Dear Arnold,
I’m worried I might be pregnant. It's very early, but are there certain signs to look for to see if I might be pregnant.
Cindy

Dear Cindy,
If you get fat, cry a lot, and your boyfriend stops calling, you might be pregnant. Or it could be that you’re not pregnant just fat, emotional and really annoying.

Dear Arnold,
I was told you can use vegetable shortening to cure diaper rash. Is that true?
Beth

Dear Beth,
I don’t know. Will pouring a bottle of whisky on my ball sack grow back the nut that got blown off at Da Kang? How about licking the hindquarters of an enchanted fairy who lives in an elm tree? I hear that clears up a raging case of gonorrea. You people are a bunch of idiots.

Dear Arnold,
My son wheezes a lot and has been diagnosed with Asthma. Are there some day-to-day things I can do to lessen the chances of an attack
Concerned


Dear Concerned,
There’s no such thing as asthma. If he's not hacking up yellowish-green phlegm 10 to 20 times a day his lungs are too dry and he needs to smoke more. The next time your son starts faking the wheezies, stick a cigarette in front of his face and tell him to suck it down. This builds up lung power and lubes the lungs with healing phelgm. Keep this up until he stops whining or passes out. Either way he'll feel better.

Dear Arnold,
One of my friend's children is the same age as my son, but she is already counting. They're both two and a half. Is my child behind?
Gertrude

Dear Gerturde,
I had a cousin who was late in learning to count. He drools a lot and keeps getting his hand caught in his own zipper. Not saying your kid will drool, but I’d keep him away from zippers just to be safe.

Dear Arnold,
I was thinking of modeling my child. She is quite unique and attractive. Do you have any suggestions of where to start?
Donna

Dear Donna,
I’ve got some news for you. Your kid’s about as unique as that wart growing on my ass. What makes you think the world cares about seeing your little angel dressed up like a midget hooker?

Man Sells Heirloom for X-Box and a Sack of “Kick-Ass” Weed

Inspired by an episode of Antiques Road Show on PBS, Harold Bartlett on whim took a broach from his mother's closet and had an on-air appraisal during a taping of the show in Charlotte.

The early 18th-century gold broach was worn by Bartlett's great great great great grandmother during the Seige of Boston during the Revolutionary war. It was handed down from generation to generation in the Bartlett family. It survived three fires, a theft, multiple wars and was known as the symbolic heart of the Bartlett heritage. It was told that great great grandfather Silas Bartlett died while retrieving the broach from his burning plantation during the Civil War.

“Dude I was so stoked, I always thought it was worth some ching ching.” Harold excitedly told the Road Show's camera after the appraisal. The price was estimated around $3,000 to $5,000 though a dent was noted on the back, from an attempting mugging of Harold’s Great Grandmother during the Great Depression. The broach saved her life. “That hurts it a little on the value,” says Ben Folderman the broach’s appraiser, “but it adds so much more in sentimental value.”

After the taping, Bartlett found an anxious buyer who gave him $2,500 on the spot, which he later spent on an X-Box and quite a large amount of marijuana. “It’s got some sweet red hairs in it. My next bong hit is for my great great great grandmom. Myrtle or Eyrtle or something. I’m totally going to go back through my mom’s closet again and see if I can find any more of this old junk.”

Whatever Happened to That Guy With That Thing

You remember that guy that had that thing with that little other thing on it? I wonder what happened to him. It was so funny when he grabbed that round thingie and shoved it in his watchamacallit and then marched out where we were all standing and was like “hey dudes like at this thing in my watchamacallit”. I was like, man, dude you know. That guy was crazy. I hope they were able to remove that thing with the thing on it that he shoved in his watchamcalllit.

Bush Vows To Militarily Engage Next Hurricane

With the unveiling of "Operation Soaring Eagle", President Bush announced new plans to counter the continuing threat of hurricanes. "Hurricanes are a growing threat to our national security," the president said, "and I see no other option than to attack them with the full force of the American military."

"Our intelligence has spotted a hurricane 'factory' off the African coast. We have informed Africa that if it does not stop forming hurricanes we will be forced to invade and liberate its people. Any country known to harbor or help in the formation of hurricanes will be considered an enemy to the American people."

The U.S. has already secretly been performing "Operation Head Against Wall" which entails B-52 bombing runs against developing tropical depressions. Though the effects have been minimal, the Bush administration has been undeterred. "Now is not the time to question the effectiveness of bombing a tropical depression or strafing a storm surge," said the president. "That only embolderens the hurricanes. We must be decisive and stand as one."

"I think the hurricane threat is in its last throes," said Vice President Cheney. "They are withering under the intense pressure from our military. I see all hurricanes being defeated by 2009."

The operation calls for troops to line the entire Gulf coast and to engage the storm surge and heavy winds with "extreme prejudice." Shoulder-fired weapons, Abrams tanks, machine guns will all be used as well as attack aircraft and Apache helicopters. "I don't care how big that storm surge thinks it is," says Tim Ballows, a private with the Alabama National Guard which is stationed on the beaches of Mobile, Alabama. "After I pump a few rounds into it, it'll think twice about messing with America."

The price tag of the operation has been put around 800 billion dollars with many contracts going to Halliburton and other agencies already in use in Iraq. "I don’t think we can put a price tag on freedom," the president said about the high cost of the operation. "I'll let the accountants worry about that. My job is to kick ass and take names. That's exactly what Operation Soaring Eagle is all about."

Hurricanes, Breached Levees, Storm Surges? Could it Happen in Asheville??

As the world views the devestation left by Hurricane Katrina, some in Asheville are asking, could what happen in New Orleans happen here? Though most scientists say it’s impossible we’ve managed to find a scientist who says, “That might not be as crazy as it sounds, and Asheville us unprepared for such an event.”

"Imagine this doomsday scenario,” says George Hameltree, a scientist from Devry University. “The East Coast suddenly falls off into the ocean breaking off somewhere near Old Fort. A meteor hits the North Pole melting all the glaciers while a category-5 hurricane plows into Western North Carolina. Are we prepared for such an event? I think not."

“I’m not saying live in fear, just acknowledge the fact that the city of Asheville is ill-prepared to help it’s citizens if say the levees we don't have were to burst from the ocean that is hundreds of miles away.”

Hameltree is proposing building a 60-foot high levee around Asheville along with a "Noah's Arc" like floatation device that can hold the entire population of Asheville. He thinks investing heavily in fishing vessels and building future coastal resort areas in and around Asheville is a necessity. He also wants to gather funding for extensive research on the effects of the East Coast breaking off somewhere around Old Fort. "If we don't act now" Hameltree says, "Asheville's future fishing industry will be totally destroyed, along with our beach resorts? And the children? For god sakes, the children."

Ask Arnold...in progress

Dear Arnold,
My 16-year-old is impossible to wake up for school and is constantly late. What suggestions do you have for getting him out of bed?
David

Dear David,
That’s nothing that a slab of red meat and a hungry rottweiler couldn’t fix.

Dear Arnold,
What's a good way to monitor your teen's romantic relationships?
Worried

Dear Worried,
This is what I did for my daughter and what I suggest you do for yours. Go to her school, barge into her class, hand her a medicine bottle and tell her very loudly that she forgot to take her herpes pills this morning. Once that little rumor gets around school, you shoudn't have anymore romantic relationships to monitor.

Dear Arnold,
Our three-year-old still uses a pacifier. We’re worried about it reshaping his mouth or causing a speech impediment. What do you suggest?
Maria

Dear Maria,
When I was a child we didn't have your fancy pacifiers. Me and my brothers sucked on an old boot. My teeth took the shape of a size-twelve army issue. At five I replaced the boot with a pack-a-day smoking habit, so that’s what I would suggest. Kids like the menthols. They also help get the taste of boot out of your mouth.

Dear Arnold,
My nipple hurts when I breastfeed. I think I might have mastitis? Do you know of a remedy for this?
Gertrude

Dear Gertrude,
Good lord woman. What the hell is Mastitis? Your nipple hurts because you got a rugrat gnawing on it eight times a day. Put that thing away and give your child something better like an old boot.

Dear Arnold,
My husband and I have been wondering. Is it safe for your partner to taste your breast milk?
Brandy

Dear Brandy,
Jesus Finklestein Christ! What the hell is it with you people and breast milk? You’re a bunch of preverts that what you are. If God intended for us to drink from a breast they'd come with straws. Breasts are for jiggling, squeezing and holding dollar bills. Now enough with this breast milk nonsense.

Dear Arnold,
Do you have any suggestion of what I should do if my child were to ingest poison.
Stan

Dear Stan,
First, tell them that there’s a good chance they may die and that they need to make things right with the lord. Then start smacking them in the head. This gets their humours flowing faster and scares the poison out of the blood. If that doesn’t work, pour honey on their head, this lures the poison out where you can smack it with a tire iron.

Earthquake destroys Asheville

Millions of Earthquake zombies...

Energy Efficient Car Emits Nothing More than Cyanide and Radiation

Imagine driving a car that gets 150 mpg. Think it's impossible? Well engineers in Denmark have developed such a car. Meet the Deushleberg Fusion X. With it's twin hybrid drive system the Fusion X is capable of 150+ mpg while not sacrificing a smooth ride and power. The added bonus, no carbon monoxide.

"This is really gong to help with global warming," said Vlen Heifferson, the car's lead engineer. "When your sitting at a light, your car is emitting nothing more that a stream of cyanide and barely noticable cloud of radiation."

How does the magic happen? Well it's done with a patented Nuclear reactor engine - cooled with cyanide. It's very seimple actually. All you do is drop in two to three ounces of plutonium into the reactor three times a day. Add an ounce to an ounce and a half of regular house-hold cyanide, fill up with premium gas. The Fusion X drive system does the rest.

Storage of spent fuel rods can be a tricky matter and some owner have reported hair loss and occassional permanent cessation of breathing. But wigs, lead-lined storage bags, and respirators come standard with each car.

Still working on...has this been done before?.

Celebratory Hug Leads to Hetero-Confirming Banter

Two members of NASA's shuttle team are still refusing to talk about a hug that co-workers described as "a little too long for comfort." Dale Rogers and Scott Hubert clasp together in nerdful glee as the Shuttle Discovery blasted off safely into space. As co-workers looked on both men hugged and for a brief second appeared as if about to smooch.

"I thought they were going to do it," said Stacy Johnson who witnessed the hug. "Which is really gross because I don't think Dale's brushed his teeth in a week."

Both men abruptly parted and began rattling off equations and frantically running through checklists that had already been done. Scott kept saying, "I'm going out and getting laid tonight, hell yea!" Which struck coworks as odd since Scott had recently been turned down by Wanda the NASA slut who even Jimmy the one-eyed shuttle engineer managed to hook up with at the Christmas party.

Later they talked football and high-fived a lot, but avoided looking at each other. "They really were over acting. I mean it's okay if they want to make out, just take it outside," said Stacy.

Dale nervously dismisses the rumors. "I hugged a guy okay, I mean we just launched the space shuttle. The Space... Shuttle. If a man wants to hug another man he should be able to do it."

"Yea," said Scott. "If a man wants to grab another man's ass and briefly fantasize about sticking his tounge down his throat, it just means... good shuttle launch... you know. Come on people, grow up."

Ask Arnold

Dear Arnold,
My three-month-old really hates to take a bath. She cries and flails around and it’s difficult to bathe her. Do you have any suggestions?
Concerned

Dear Concerned,
Hose her down in the back yard. The farther you step back the less you’ll hear her cry. You could probably stand a good 20 feet away if you put a good arc on it. Grab a beer when your finished. By the time your done with that, she should be dry. A great timesaver tip is to put her on your car and wash both at the same time. If you use a liquid wax, she’ll have a beautiful shine.


Dear Arnold,
Is breast milk really that much better than formula for your infant?
Sally

Dear Sally,
I tell you, milk coming out of a person’s chest just ain’t natural. Next thing you know people are gonna want diapers to grow out of womens' heads. My mother didn't believe in either one. Her baby feeding rule was, “Big enough to touch your feet, old enough to eat red meat”. My advice, see if your baby can grab its feet. If it can, dump milk and formula and go straight to beef.


Dear Arnold,
We really believe in baby massage. We feel that it enhances our emotional bonds with our child. Do you have any suggestions of a type of oil that is best for massaging a little baby?
Susan

Dear Susan,
Let me get this straight; you massage your baby? Massages are for strained muscles and the occasional happy ending. Sounds like a bunch of hippie horse crap to me. But as far as a good oil, Valvoline 10w-30 has a multi-viscosity formula that should last a good 5,000 miles depending on use. WD-40 is good too and it’s got that little red straw for those hard to reach places.


Dear Arnold,
My wife gave birth last week and I wondered if you had any advice on my transition to fatherhood and how I can become more involved?
Rick

Dear Rick,
From what I gather your job is done. Your got her knocked up, congratulations. Now go back to work.


Dear Arnold,
Are there any sexual positions that would increase my chances for conceiving?
Veronica

Dear Veronica,
You mean like doing it with the lights on? I don't know what you perverts are asking, but there's only one position sanctioned by the Bible as the way God intended for his flock to procreate; it's called the "Reverse Two-Legged Stump Mule", and so far I've only injured myself and three other people in all my years of doing it. Thanks to the Mule I've got four kids and a couple more that I think are mine.