Ian Love - S/T

Ian Love - ST
(2006 - Limekiln Records)

You may not know is name but Ian Love has been on the NYC music scene for quite a while. He's been in hardore bands and emo bands and toured Europe a few times and been addicted to heroin and essentially lived a colorful and storied life. With his first solo effort however he shows himself as a family man who has finally settled into a life worth holding on to.
Being in a band is great. Being in several bands is also great. Trouble is that musically you can never really know much about youself until you sit down alone and at home with the recodring device of your choice to see what comes out. That's what love has done here, writing and recording these ten songs in the private company of his wife and daughter. He understands how many times he's almost thrown his life away to hard living. These songs mean to bury that old life for good and show the greatfulness he has to still be around for the life of a family man.
But what does it sound like? For one thing it doesn't sound for one second like it was recorded at home. The sound quality is crisp and clean. Love's gentle, family man vocals intimately glide across a tasteful blend of acoustic guitar, piano, mellotron and whatever else he decides to embellish with. When I say gentle vocals I don't mean weary, dour and self-indulgent. I mean a gentle with a spark of excitement, kind of like he's singing these songs directly to his daughter. Musically he keeps things well clear of of folkiness favoring straightforewaryd melodies with subtle and occasionally intricate embellishments.
This is not a perfect album. It's not intended to be. It is in fact a personal act of catharsis embracing beauty along with the blemishes. Love has come through a period of searching and self-destruction to find himself safe, happy and in love. Those previous life experiences are recounted along the way and incorperated into the albums overall theme of joy to have finally found a life worth living.

What’s the world coming to, when a man can’t mutilate the genitals of another man in the privacy of his own home.

By Philmore McSnaggin

Some people might call me crazy, even old-fashioned, but I thought I was living in the United States of America. Am I right? I just read in the Citizen-Times that two local men were arrested for nothing more than cutting the penis off of other men. I'm sorry folks, but that's not the America I grew up in.

There use to be a time when one man could be another man's man-whore in the privacy of their home and that was okay. I remember the days when you could have gerbil spelunking nights and gag-ball tea parties and that was just fine and tootin'. I grew up with the typical barnyard antics, if you know what I mean, and my neighbors nary raised an eye. What happened to those days? Now a man goes to jail simply for mutilating the genitals and penis of another man? Outrageous! I guess if I dressed another man in leather, kept him in a cage and fed him only raw meat I'd be thrown in jail for that too?

Well folks, the terrorists have won. I was told 9/11 changed everything, but I didn't think it mean that I couldn't castrate a man in my kitchen with a Henkle without fear of prison time. For shame, America, for shame. Tonight, my man-whore and I will shed a tear in the dungeon before I start spanking him with a mounted squirrel ... in the privacy of my own house.

Westside Daredevils - Twilight Children

Westside Daredevils - Twilight Children
(2006, Self Released)

Knoxville's Westside Daredevils want to be your new favorite bubblegum-pop band. They've got alot going for them too; they've got three part vocal harmonies, melodious guitaristry and enough knowledge about how to put a song together to fill several books. They can indeed build a song. They can put all the parts in the right places and execute them flawlessly. Real fancy stuff too with all the frills and fun. The only problem is that is does feel like these songs have been constructed out of tried and true parts instead of being written to express a point of view.
When I say these boys know all the tricks, I mean, DAMN! If there were an MIT class about writing pop music then Brett Cassidy, Jeff Caudill and Gray Comber would be teaching it. They've got it down to a science. The problem is that the proceedings feel acedemic rather than resonant. After listening to their second album, Twilight Children, three times I couldn't readily recall a single song on it. I remembered thinking, "This reminds me of The Young Fresh Fellows or The Gin Blossoms."but couldn't really remember why. It just didn't stick with me.
Something of that may have to do with the impeccable clenliness of the album. The production is so clean as to be completely steril. Even the frequent distortion and occasional dissonance are squeeky clean, radio ready and pruned of the rough edges that would make them stand out.
Westside Daredevils have alot going on, good pop songs by excellent musicians.However there's no real identity. Twilight Children comes across like bar-bq chicken eaten with a knife and fork. The ingredients and flavor are there but it would be more satisfying if it were more messy.

Wes McDonald - 1:50 In The Furnace

Wes McDonald - 1:50 In The Furnace
(2006, Skybucket Records)

Wes McDonald is a man refreshingly in tune with his own sensibilities. He's had plenty of time to find his voice with three long-playing releases already under his belt. The songs on his new album 1:50 In The Furnace come across as impulsive, confident and natural, attempting to please no one but their creator. The results are enjoyably worthwhile only with a few missteps.
A couple decades ago Wes McDonald would've been a collage radio king. He'd be in heavy rotation on 120 Minutes and be a darling chick in a nest weaved by Paul Westerberg, Bob Mould and Michael Stipe. Although he seems to be lumped in with the Americana crowd these days , 1:50 In The Furnace is in fact just good old twangly jangly alternative rock from way back when it was still hip and novel to be labeled "Alternative". Listen to "Day One" and try to tell me I'm wrong.
"I Would Never" is an odd choice as a first track although it IS in tune with the individualistic, curve-ball nature of the album. However, it neither sets the stage nor launches you into the rowdy rawkus. It's a decent song, but it's place in the album makes it just be kind of...there with no sequential purpose. Things pick up quickly with the jangly rock of "Shot Stered" which springboards into the shining kinetic strength of "Chinese Rug".
McDonald's music is what we in the industry call "Badass". Songs meant to be mouthed with head nodding in time to the music and hand firmly clutching the working man's beer of your choice. Blue collar indie rock if you will. Catchy guitar riffs set to body moving beats and memorable vocal melodies delivered with raspy twang, damn good stuff.

Lylas - Lessons For Lovers

Lylas - Lessons For Lovers
(2006 - Ficticious Records)

Another exanple of an album coming out at just the right time of year. The days are longer. The sun is warmer. The evenings of hammocks, front porches and block parties are just beginning. In this lithe atmosphere, brimming with frivolity, the festively baroque chamber-pop stylings of Nasheville's Lylas seem as natural as the emerging greenery.
Referring to their first full-length release as unobtrusively pleasurable may seem condescending but it's not meant to be. Most of the songs on Lessons For Lovers jauntily drift by like a spring breeze and packing 16 tracks into a mere 35 minutes, it never wears out its welcome. Ignoring the frequently tragic nature of the lyrics, Lylas' music bounces by with an entrancing mix of Americana, Old English and 60's English pop stylings.
Delightful as it is as a background piece for those Springtime evenings on the porch, Lessons For Lovers also offers much to the attentive listener. Thoughtfully intricate arrangements showcase delicate melodies born of a plethora of various instrumentation. The results are memorable melodies, beautiful musical twists and at least two pop masterpieces; "His Master's Merriment" and "Years and Years".
Lylas seems like a band with alot of spark and hopefully long life. The constant associations with the likes of Donovan, Belle and Sebastian, The Kinks, The Clientele and The Ladybug Transistor are 100% warrented. Their music is very familiar and easily peggable but at least they're making an effort to bring something of their own to the table. It's not likely to bowl you over from the offset but there's alot of fragile beauty on Lessons For Lovers. Another nice addition to the New Nasheville rennaisance.

Listing Ship - Time to Dream

Listing Ship - Time to Dream
(2006 - True Classical CD's)

The first thing that I couldn't believe about Listing Ship was that they come from LA. They may possibly be part of a larger punkish, avant-folk-pop scene but I haven't heard sounds like these coming from that particular city in many a year. The second thing I couldn't believe was the discovery that Mike Watt plays bass on most of the album. If nobody told you, you'd never know. The third thing I couldn't believe was that this is their fourth album and yet I'd never heard of them. The internet, music journalists and even my friends in Southern Calli had failed to bring such a wonderful band to my attention.
Listing Ship is fronted by dual songwriters Lyman Chaffee and Heather Lockie and backed by an assemblage of friends and colleagues. Lockie's sprightly vocals carry an exquisitely sweet melodiousness. Sounding at times girlishly naive. Chaffee, by contrast, croons in a soothingly dour baritone comprable. Contrast, by the way, is the very heart of Listing Ship. True to the album's title, the songs of Time to Dream ebb and flow across the American subconscious in a dreamlike haze. With very few uninspired moments Chaffee and Lockie treat the listener to fractured fairy tales, laments, upbeat girly pop, odes, bluegrass ditties and French minstrel revues.
Theres more than a bit of cheekiness present on Time to Dream which thankfully remains innocent and steers well clear of the trappings of ironic posturing. Glancing at song titles like "The Temptation of Miss Piggy" and "Baise Ca" (French for "Fuck That") you know you're in the hands of musicians who are as fun and irreverent as they are serious and proficient. The occasional dashes of pretense seem to deprecate themselves on the spot.
As backing musicians Lockie and Julie Carpenter (Listing Ship's violinist) have performed string arrangements for everone from Lydia Lunch to Brian Wilson to Dave Pajo to Sparklehorse to Arthur Lee of the band Love. Listing Ship seems to smirk at its own pedigree however. Sure they're fantastic musicians with deep respect for American musical traditions but that doesn't mean they can't let their silliness come out occasionally.

Nothing Painted Blue - Taste the Flavor

Nothing Painted Blue - Taste the Flavor
(2005 - Shrimper Records)

Let's not split hairs, Nothing Painted Blue is my favorite band of all time. I could easily kick out a long form essay on why Franklin Bruno is the most criminally underrated songwriter of the last couple decades. He's been described as witty, brainy, literary, scholarly, mathy, jaded, playfully morbid, hopelessly romantic and relentlessly catchy. In addition to his work with NPB he's recorded several solo albums, been in The Extra Glenns with John Darnielle of The Mountain Goats and been the subject of a tribute album by Jenny Toomey. None of the other stuff, good as it may be, has ever quite reached the heights of the band proper.
The poshumous Taste the Flavor is arguably NPB's sixth album, although technically it's the fifth. Rarities compilations don't count for us geeks. On it, we get glimpses and nods to the band's various stages and incarnations. There's the noisely impetuous, Minutemen inspired, power pop of the early days with songs like "Self-contained" and "Striver", all the way to the more mature subtlety of "Dry Spell" or "Longer Leash". Through it all the band reenforces its command of all things catchy with a flair for jaded empathy. With this release, more than any other since the early days, the emphasis is on immediacy and performance rather than polish and refined overdubs.
The thing about Bruno's lyrics, brainy though they may be, is that they never get in the way of the song. If anything the words enhance the music. He doesn't just jam a bunch of overly long words or far-flung referrences in just for the hell of it. Instead he has a knack for twisting a few simple words, and even goofily simple rhymes into complex metaphors about unrequited love, frustration and fatalistic resign without ever actually sounding depressed. Instead of sounding like they're trying to be clever, they just ARE clever while also being unapologetically sincere and always keeping the listener emotionally engaged.
On one hand I'm kind of sad that this will be the last official NPB album. On the other hand I never really expected it to come out. It has been over seven years since their last release. All in all it makes for a fine curtain call in a near flawless career.
To hear song snippets go here!

Bin Laden Livens Up Videos with Bloopers and Pranks

After acknowledging a drop in ratings to his videos, a spokesman for Bin Laden announced that he is exploring new avenues to get his message out.

“We’ve really dropped in the 18 to 34 demographic. So we thought we’d try to show the funny side of terror,” said an un-named spokesman for Bin laden. “You get these al-Qaeda members together anything can happen. It's as easy as turning on the camera and let the hilarity insue.”

Followers in the Middle East and enemies in the West will see a lighter side of Bin Laden. On one out-take he fumbles, saying,”...the lintrails of the zio…” to which he chuckles and you can hear the camera man laugh. “Wait... did I say lintrails?” Bin Laden asks looking around. “I meant to say, may the entrails of the zionist pig dogs flow through the bloody streets of America… geesh I’m really behind on my dialysis.”

Also debuting is an al-Qaeda version of "Punk’d" called “You’ve been Fatwa’d!” From exploding sandwiches to a suicide bomber who’s vest was rigged not to explode but rather to make embarrassing farting noises, you’ll see al-Qaeda members prank each other. From dressing a member up to look like an American and dropping him off in Iraq, to a television set that levels a three story building.

“It’s Benny Hill meets Abu Musab al-Zarqawi,” says the al-Qaeda spokesman. “Great stuff. And they’ll be the traditional threats of world violence and imminient detruction we’ve all come to love and expect. So really, it’s the best of both of worlds.”

Conservative PBS Programming Shake Up?

Public television announced that it will shake up PBS’s core children’s programming for all public television stations. A spokesman for PBS says that these changes are unrelated to the controversy going on with the corporation and do not reflect a shift to the right.

Of the shows to be dropped, Travels with Buster was the first to get cut. "It has nothing to do with the showing of a gay couple, it has to do with fund cutting, ratings and we think that it’s dangerous for kids to believe a rabbit can fly a plane.”

DragonTales has been cut, said the spokesman.” We don’t believe that “magic” or any hints toward fictional creatures like “dinosaurs” have any place on our public airwaves.

A new segment will be added to Sesame Street, Hardline with Bigbird. "Here we'll have a roundtable with Cookie Monster, Grouch and a special guest where current topics like activist judges, abortion and gay rights will be tackled. The first new guest will be Karl Rove. Brought to you by the letter W."

Also a new Muppet Jesus will be added to the Sesame Street line along with his sidekick Cruci the Crucifix.

“We're very excited. The Jesus segment will be a song-filled romp around the world, discovering new religions and teaching why each of them is a one-way ticket to hell."

“All of these changes are standard throughout the year as we evaluate the appeal of our shows,” the spokesman said. “Contrary to many reports from the mainstream media, it is not influenced by conservatives. There are many other self-reflective questions we will be asking in the future like, what’s the deal with all these colored people on PBS? We’re going to need to do something about that.”

Album Review: Dawn Smithson - Safer Here

Dawn Smithson - Safer Here
(2005, Kranky)

After a six year hiatus from recording, former Jessamine bassist Dawn Smithson has returned with a new collection of stark, intensely personal songs. It's clear from the beginning that she has no intention to forray back into the spacey psychodellia of her former band, although former bandmate Rex Ritter (also of Fontanelle) offers up accompanyment on "How Thoughtless".
Smithson's new songs are grounded in something darker. They exude lonliness and feel like they're trying to make sense of some unknown trauma. For the most part the music of Safer Here stays focused on Smithson's guitar and vocals. She also plays bass, accordion and keys on the album, but they only crop up as punctuation.
The lady herself has said she thinks the album is better listened to alone. I would go one step further and say that the Safer Here is better listened to while doing no activity other than listening to Safer Here. The music's gravity sucks everything else out of the room. It's hard enough to lift my arms to type these words while listening. Talking to another human? Forget it. As she plucks away at her seemingly frail arpeggiated dissonance, her words of stalwart survival demand every ounce of your attention. They offer cold comfort and on the odd occasion even hope.

Album Review: Paul Duncan - Be Careful What You Call Home

Paul Duncan - Be Careful What You Call Home
(2005, Hometapes)

The music of Paul Duncan draws you in with an intimacy that few artists posess. You feel welcome and comfortable which is odd considering that the running theme of Be Careful What You Call Home is dissatisfaction with and emotional distance from the place you are. What is a home? How do you connect with it? Do you have to go to it or create it where you are? What do you do when you HAVE created it and then one day look up to see that it holds nothing for you?
In working through these questions Duncan holds back alot from the listener. The words are sparse and vague. They couldn't do the subjectmatter justice anyway. Instead Duncan lets his music do most of the talking. Originally from an unnamed town in East Texas, He clings to his small town sensibilities while spinning them into big city arrangements. With the help of eight other musicians Duncan constructs intricate, yet unassuming, composition that never wear out their welcome. The longest track has a running time of only four and a half minutes. Occasionally traditional acoustic instruments meet with a bit of technological manipulation. Despite their complexity, the songs on Be Careful What You Call Home never become cluttered. The instruments always have room to breathe giving the songs an aspect of freedom and buoyancy.
On occasion Duncan endulges in some artsier flights of fancy. Nothing so obtuse as to disrupt the album's flow but it has insighted comparisons to Chicago musicians, most notably Jim O'Rourke and Sam Prekop. However Duncan's music never gives way to the stuffy pretense that his Chicagoan counterparts often revel in. Plus if you're absolutely starving for a new Iron & Wine long player, Be Careful What You Call Home is MORE than satisfactory to fill that void.

Blogger Posts 1000th Inane Article.

A milestone was reached in the blogosphere today. After waking up at noon, Chad Johnson posted his 1000th blog article to little fanfare. After rambling about Bush and the Iraq war, Johnson posted some pictures of his cat Taurus sleeping on the sofa. There were four comments, one from his mother, one from a friend in hopes of bringing visits to his own blog sexymanpoet.blogspot.com and two from Anonymous, who it turns out is Johnson himself.

"I am the master of Bloggiating, I made that term up myself. I drink about 10 cups of coffee and then I start with my Bloggerhea, that's taking what's in my head and sharing it with the world. I usually blog naked, it helps me think, and makes for easy transition to Pornalating. That's another term I made up myself."

“I think as a middle-age white male in America,” Chad continued, “I’ve got a different insight than what you might hear from MSM. That’s the Mainstream Media and they totally suck if you haven’t figured that out.”

A sample of his post titles are “Bush is Warmonger”, “Bush Lied”, “Warmonger Bush,” “Lying Warmonger Bush Lying.” And “Warmongering Liar Lying in Bush Waiting for War.”

“I’ve got the hits going now. I’m averaging 1200 hits a day. 1000 are mine, 195 are misdirected, but those last 5… those last 5 are people I’m connecting with. We're sharing. We’re Blogelating you know. I know I’m making a difference in the world and not just taking up space on a server. In fact, after this interview I’m going to blog about it. Probably title it “Bush Sucky Lying Liar War Mong Mong.”

Amish Girls Reach Across Cultural Divide

Susan Miller and Laura Brown have broken down the barriers of their radically different lives to show what can happen if people look beyond cultural and religious differences. Susan who is Amish from Western Pennsylvania has formed an unlikely friendship with Laura, an Amish woman from Eastern Pennsylvania. Though these groups rarely meet because of the week-long 120 mile trek, they keep in contact through letters and carrier pidgeon.

“They don’t let their differences keep them apart,” says Abraham Miller, Susan’s father. “Susan likes to churn butter with a oak spoon, where as Laura churns butter with a cedar spatula. Laura uses hemp line to mend her skirts where Susan uses cotton fiber. “It’s crazy I tell you,” says Susan’s father Abraham. “We tolerate Laura's alien ways, because it’s not one’s place to condemn a culture as foreign and sin-filled as hers. We leave that for God.”

Among other cultural differences, Susan rides a buggy to church where as Laura walks. You might be asking yourself, how do these girls find common ground?

“We try not to let the big differences get in the way. Because she’s so different, I learn more about myself. Though her usage of a butter churn her father made will condemn her to a fiery hell, I try not to let the stench of her sin get in the way of our friendship.”

“Susan fastens her cloths with buttons and her father wears one suspender not two. This unfortunately means she will become Satan fodder in the bowels of eternal hell,” says Laura, “but she makes me laugh and that’s what counts.”

Spreading the Christmas Love

by Artimus Peeflower

You know. It might just be the pint of Georgia Moon speaking but I love this time of year. I just got back from slaughtering a tree for Jesus, decorating it with Christmas lights, and forcing my child to sit and watch the pre-programmed 8-mode light display. "Look boy," I tell him. "You see that flashing tree? It died for Jesus and Jesus died for you, so recognize!"

I put it in the window so my sorry-ass neighbors can see that I’m bringing the Christmas cheer to my house and that warms the cockles of my motherfucking heart. "So shut up boy," I tell him. "Sit down and respect the fucking tree."

I put up a nativity scene in front of my house. I got the plastic Jesus, the Mary, and the Joseph. I got sheep, lambs, three wise men, all that crap. My neighbor was looking at it when he was leaving his house and I wanted to spread the holiday cheer so I said, “That’s Jesus you fucking towel head. He puts the Christ in Christmas. Go to church sometime and you might learn something!” It's important to give back to the community like that.

Me and my buddies have a carolling group going. We go out and sing all the Christmas favorites. Jingles Bells, Rudolph, Hark the herald angles sing fa la la la la motherfucking la! There’s nothing better than ending a good night out drinking with your buddies than singing in front of somebody’s house at four in the morning. It’s like being awakened by angels.

I know there’s Channuka, Kwanza and all that crap. That’s cute and all, but nothing captures the message of Christmas like Christmas. I put a 25-foot tall crucifix on my front yard and wrapped it in blinking icicle lights. On top is Santa and his reindeer and a 32 million-watt light that shines down on my nativity scene like the eye of God. That’s what it’s all about really. Jesus, lights, dead trees, fat men in red suits breaking into your house, and brotherly love... not in that gay way though. So enjoy the holidays folks and respect the fucking tree!

Reviews of The Happy Bullets and The Tah-Dahs

The Happy Bullets - The Vice and Virtue Ministry / The Tah-Dahs - Le Fun
(2005, Undeniable Records)

I am officially declaring the Dallas based Undeniable Records as my new favorite label in the world. With their first two releases they've injected some life into what is becoming, quite frankly, a stagnant indie scene. Niether The Happy Bullets nor The Tah-Dahs are revolutionary, or even all that original but both bands ARE infectiously catchy, extremely clever and just plain fun. Both tackle mundane, sometimes outright depressing, subjects with a skip and a whistle making the plight of their songs' subjects seem even more futile.

The Happy Bullets keenly balance the serious and the whimsical. Their songs are like 3 minute snapshots of other people's lives. The characters in their stories are mostly oblivious to the pathetic state of their lives. An official of the Department of Weights and Measures insists that he's "The only one standing in the way of total chaos." A young man forces himself to resign his dreams as he learns to love the factory. A Suburban housewife gets a brief glimps of the apocolypse. Although the lyrics are written in character they could apply to pretty much anyone's life.

With duel songwriters, the musical stylings on The Vice and Virtue Ministry switch tracks constantly. It's obvious from the title and cover art that Jason Roberts and Tim Ruble have something of an affinity for Brit-pop. The Kinks are there, only half-buried in the mix. The track "Mr. Gray" is an answer to ELO's "Mr. Blue Sky" in Jeff Lynn's own style. If everyone's so happy to see Mr. Blue Sky then how must Mr. Gray feel? The Happy Bullets have other tricks too. The individual song's style is taylored to it's character. There's a bit of The Shins, The Decemberests and bassist Andrea Roberts offers a portion of girlie pop a la Cub or Heavenly. Producer Stuart Sikes (Modest Mouse, The Walkmen, White Stripes, etc…) adds a bit of unobtrusive polish and rounds things out nicely.

The Tah-Dahs are no less jauntly but their influences seem to be more homegrown. They can deliver a damn good song even if the attempts at lyrical cleverness sometimes fall flat. Not everyone can be Franklin Bruno. Still, the cheekiness and obscure movie referrences on Le Fun are undeniably charming and when lyricist Roy Ivy plays the words just right you realise how much better the band is going to get. For now the main concern is girls. Ivy may sing about making mix tapes or dismissing cute, hipster bands but at the gooey center of every track is yet another girl.

Stylisticly The Tah-Dahs' aim is fairly true. Taking elements of The Modern Lovers, The Feelies and The Pixies, they twist the these tales of frustrated adolescence into solidly well-crafted songs. Le Fun may begin as a glorified prom soundtrack but by the end proves itself to be a cleverly enjoyable romp that lusts to reclaim the adventurous goofiness of youthful inexperience. No it's not a perfect album but it shines often and can perk you right up for the drive to work or school or wherever it is you people go.

Emails from Michael Brown at FEMA During Katrina

From: Brown, Michael D.
Sent: Wendesday, August 31, 2005
To: Grozny, Dan
Subject: Re: Help Required. Need More Supplies Immediately

Gotcha Dan. Hey check this picture out. It’s hilarious.

Fatgirlmotorcycle.gif

-------Original Message------
From: Grozny, Dan
Sent: Wendesday, August 31, 2005
To: Brown, Michael D.
Subject: Help Require More Supplies Immediately

Sir, we are in desparate need. Food supplies are running out. People are about to riot. Dead are piled on the street. No phone connectivity. Please hurry, we need help now!



_______________________________________


From: Brown, Michael D.
Sent: Thursday, September 01, 2005
To: Green, Sally
Subject: Re: New Orleans

I understand Sally. What is it exactly that you need me to do?


-------Original Message------
From: Green, Sally
Sent: Wendesday, August 31, 2005
To: Brown, Michael D.
Subject: New Orleans

There’s 1000-gallon tanker truck with much-needed water at the state line. it doesn’t know where to go. Please send word to the driver that it is badly needed here at the Convention Center in New Orleans.


_____________________________________



From: Brown, Michael D.
Sent: Thursday, September 01, 2005
To: Grozny, Dan
Subject: Re: Situation Deteriorating Quickly

What’s a levee? Look, I’ve got a big press conference right now. I bought a brand new blue button-down shirt for it and it looks fabulous. I think I’m going to WOW everyone! I see a big promotion coming out of this. Cross your fingers.


-------Original Message------
From: Grozny, Dan
Sent: Wendesday, August 31, 2005
To: Brown, Michael D.
Subject: Situation Deteriorating Quickly

The levee system has crumbled. Water is continuing to rush in. Please send for more help. People are drowning. Thousands still stranded on roof tops.

I Ain't Scared of No Bird Flu

By Ralph Breakwind

I guess have to start this by saying I love chickens. And by that I mean I really really love chickens... if you know what I'm saying. Some folks have been coming up to me lately saying Ralph, you’ve got stop hanging out at that chicken coop. The bird flu’s going around, the neighbors are talking, and you smell like bird. You know what I tell them, don’t put your hang-ups on me man. Don’t hold me down with your closed minds.

Have you ever felt the sensation of a full-body peck when you accidentally rolled naked over a pile of chicken feed and just happen to stumble into coup. Have you ever had a chicken give you “that look” you know what I’m saying, that “I won’t say no” stare? Have you ever witnessed chicken on chicken action? If you had, then you’d understand. If not, take your hateful stares elsewhere you fascist.

Now everyone’s hatin’ on the birds because of this bird flu. Saying Ralph you’re going get some disease hanging out with those chickens. You’re going to mutate that chicken virus until it goes airborne. Give me a break. Sure, I get the occasional rash and open sores, but have you ever been in the throes of passionate love and had your partner lay an egg on your chest? Have you? Until you do, you just won’t get it.

So you don't scare me with your little flu story. Just keep your hating ways to yourself. Until you can open your mind to all kinds of love then you’ll live in a dark world where a man’s wife leaves him just because she finds a chicken straddling his face in bed. I can’t help that I’m so enticing to the fine hens. I’m all about spreading the love. So remember, once you go chicken, nothing else is lickin’. Okay I need to work on that, but you get the idea.

Ask Arnold - in progress

Dear Arnold,
I’m worried I might be pregnant. It's very early, but are there certain signs to look for to see if I might be pregnant.
Cindy

Dear Cindy,
If you get fat, cry a lot, and your boyfriend stops calling, you might be pregnant. Or it could be that you’re not pregnant just fat, emotional and really annoying.

Dear Arnold,
I was told you can use vegetable shortening to cure diaper rash. Is that true?
Beth

Dear Beth,
I don’t know. Will pouring a bottle of whisky on my ball sack grow back the nut that got blown off at Da Kang? How about licking the hindquarters of an enchanted fairy who lives in an elm tree? I hear that clears up a raging case of gonorrea. You people are a bunch of idiots.

Dear Arnold,
My son wheezes a lot and has been diagnosed with Asthma. Are there some day-to-day things I can do to lessen the chances of an attack
Concerned


Dear Concerned,
There’s no such thing as asthma. If he's not hacking up yellowish-green phlegm 10 to 20 times a day his lungs are too dry and he needs to smoke more. The next time your son starts faking the wheezies, stick a cigarette in front of his face and tell him to suck it down. This builds up lung power and lubes the lungs with healing phelgm. Keep this up until he stops whining or passes out. Either way he'll feel better.

Dear Arnold,
One of my friend's children is the same age as my son, but she is already counting. They're both two and a half. Is my child behind?
Gertrude

Dear Gerturde,
I had a cousin who was late in learning to count. He drools a lot and keeps getting his hand caught in his own zipper. Not saying your kid will drool, but I’d keep him away from zippers just to be safe.

Dear Arnold,
I was thinking of modeling my child. She is quite unique and attractive. Do you have any suggestions of where to start?
Donna

Dear Donna,
I’ve got some news for you. Your kid’s about as unique as that wart growing on my ass. What makes you think the world cares about seeing your little angel dressed up like a midget hooker?

Man Sells Heirloom for X-Box and a Sack of “Kick-Ass” Weed

Inspired by an episode of Antiques Road Show on PBS, Harold Bartlett on whim took a broach from his mother's closet and had an on-air appraisal during a taping of the show in Charlotte.

The early 18th-century gold broach was worn by Bartlett's great great great great grandmother during the Seige of Boston during the Revolutionary war. It was handed down from generation to generation in the Bartlett family. It survived three fires, a theft, multiple wars and was known as the symbolic heart of the Bartlett heritage. It was told that great great grandfather Silas Bartlett died while retrieving the broach from his burning plantation during the Civil War.

“Dude I was so stoked, I always thought it was worth some ching ching.” Harold excitedly told the Road Show's camera after the appraisal. The price was estimated around $3,000 to $5,000 though a dent was noted on the back, from an attempting mugging of Harold’s Great Grandmother during the Great Depression. The broach saved her life. “That hurts it a little on the value,” says Ben Folderman the broach’s appraiser, “but it adds so much more in sentimental value.”

After the taping, Bartlett found an anxious buyer who gave him $2,500 on the spot, which he later spent on an X-Box and quite a large amount of marijuana. “It’s got some sweet red hairs in it. My next bong hit is for my great great great grandmom. Myrtle or Eyrtle or something. I’m totally going to go back through my mom’s closet again and see if I can find any more of this old junk.”

Whatever Happened to That Guy With That Thing

You remember that guy that had that thing with that little other thing on it? I wonder what happened to him. It was so funny when he grabbed that round thingie and shoved it in his watchamacallit and then marched out where we were all standing and was like “hey dudes like at this thing in my watchamacallit”. I was like, man, dude you know. That guy was crazy. I hope they were able to remove that thing with the thing on it that he shoved in his watchamcalllit.