Dear Arnold

Arnold Crapacan is a Korean War veteran and a member of the Woodfin Lions Club.

Dear Arnold,
My wife is having twins in a couple of months and I’m worried about the amount of work taking care of two babies will require. What suggestions do you have?
Worried.

Dear Worried,
Don’t worry. They can take care of themselves. Twins have the ESP and talk to each other with their brains. One can send a telepathic message to the other saying, “My ass needs cleaning.” Throw a couple of diapers and wipes in the room, some food, and they'll be fine. Of course, you’ll need to find out which one is the evil twin and commence the ass-whoopin'.

Dear Arnold,
My little Ryan is turning 5 this week. Do you have some birthday celebration suggestions to liven up the birthday fun!
Excited.

Dear Excited,
Nothing gets a party going like corn liquor. Pour some of that in the little kneebiters' punch bowl, sit back and watch the fun. It will give little Ryan another birthday present: A life lesson about holding his liquor and not puking on his own birthday cake in front of the little red-haired girl he’s trying to impress. Of course, I’ve been learning that one for the last 70 odd years.

Dear Arnold,
When I gave birth to my daughter two months ago, I decided to stop working and stay home. Now I'm wondering if I made the right decision. It's a lot of work and I have no time for other pursuits. What should I do?
Sally

Dear Sally,
Well you really screwed up didn’t you? Let’s see.... make money and deal with adults… or …. wipe poo off the inside thigh of some screaming snot factory. You're screwed. Good luck.

Dear Arnold,
My son isn't athletic and the other boys make fun of him. It's hurting his self-esteem. I'm pushing him to try other interests. What's the best way to handle this?
Concerned.

Dear Concerned,
There's nothing wrong with your son pursuing other interests. If he's not good at sports, I'm sure he's good at other things. Has he tried sewing, knitting or doll making? Perhaps he knows what drapes best compliment your wall paper, or how to make a really pretty dress. There are lots of activities your limp-wristed, pansy-ass son could do with all the other girls.

Dear Arnold,
Our son is starting public school in a couple of years. What are some qualities that you look for when deciding what school your child should attend.
David

Dear David,
Sending your child to public school is a mistake. I didn't have a nut blown off in Da Kang so some long-haired hippie can teach my child we all come from monkeys. Home schooling is your best choice. That's how I was raised. My father taught me how our forefathers saved America from the invading Indians. How McCarthy got rid of all the communists before he ascended into heaven. Why hippies snort marijuana and love Satan. He taught me how to kill a man 32 different ways.. 34 if they're not American. Public school will do nothing but turn your child into a drug-licking, book-reading sex addict who loves monkeys and hates America.

'ROO POO

Tazmanians live the dream of creating paper from Kangaroo poop.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/4266857.stm

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