Man Sells Heirloom for X-Box and a Sack of “Kick-Ass” Weed

Inspired by an episode of Antiques Road Show on PBS, Harold Bartlett on whim took a broach from his mother's closet and had an on-air appraisal during a taping of the show in Charlotte.

The early 18th-century gold broach was worn by Bartlett's great great great great grandmother during the Seige of Boston during the Revolutionary war. It was handed down from generation to generation in the Bartlett family. It survived three fires, a theft, multiple wars and was known as the symbolic heart of the Bartlett heritage. It was told that great great grandfather Silas Bartlett died while retrieving the broach from his burning plantation during the Civil War.

“Dude I was so stoked, I always thought it was worth some ching ching.” Harold excitedly told the Road Show's camera after the appraisal. The price was estimated around $3,000 to $5,000 though a dent was noted on the back, from an attempting mugging of Harold’s Great Grandmother during the Great Depression. The broach saved her life. “That hurts it a little on the value,” says Ben Folderman the broach’s appraiser, “but it adds so much more in sentimental value.”

After the taping, Bartlett found an anxious buyer who gave him $2,500 on the spot, which he later spent on an X-Box and quite a large amount of marijuana. “It’s got some sweet red hairs in it. My next bong hit is for my great great great grandmom. Myrtle or Eyrtle or something. I’m totally going to go back through my mom’s closet again and see if I can find any more of this old junk.”

Whatever Happened to That Guy With That Thing

You remember that guy that had that thing with that little other thing on it? I wonder what happened to him. It was so funny when he grabbed that round thingie and shoved it in his watchamacallit and then marched out where we were all standing and was like “hey dudes like at this thing in my watchamacallit”. I was like, man, dude you know. That guy was crazy. I hope they were able to remove that thing with the thing on it that he shoved in his watchamcalllit.

Bush Vows To Militarily Engage Next Hurricane

With the unveiling of "Operation Soaring Eagle", President Bush announced new plans to counter the continuing threat of hurricanes. "Hurricanes are a growing threat to our national security," the president said, "and I see no other option than to attack them with the full force of the American military."

"Our intelligence has spotted a hurricane 'factory' off the African coast. We have informed Africa that if it does not stop forming hurricanes we will be forced to invade and liberate its people. Any country known to harbor or help in the formation of hurricanes will be considered an enemy to the American people."

The U.S. has already secretly been performing "Operation Head Against Wall" which entails B-52 bombing runs against developing tropical depressions. Though the effects have been minimal, the Bush administration has been undeterred. "Now is not the time to question the effectiveness of bombing a tropical depression or strafing a storm surge," said the president. "That only embolderens the hurricanes. We must be decisive and stand as one."

"I think the hurricane threat is in its last throes," said Vice President Cheney. "They are withering under the intense pressure from our military. I see all hurricanes being defeated by 2009."

The operation calls for troops to line the entire Gulf coast and to engage the storm surge and heavy winds with "extreme prejudice." Shoulder-fired weapons, Abrams tanks, machine guns will all be used as well as attack aircraft and Apache helicopters. "I don't care how big that storm surge thinks it is," says Tim Ballows, a private with the Alabama National Guard which is stationed on the beaches of Mobile, Alabama. "After I pump a few rounds into it, it'll think twice about messing with America."

The price tag of the operation has been put around 800 billion dollars with many contracts going to Halliburton and other agencies already in use in Iraq. "I don’t think we can put a price tag on freedom," the president said about the high cost of the operation. "I'll let the accountants worry about that. My job is to kick ass and take names. That's exactly what Operation Soaring Eagle is all about."

Hurricanes, Breached Levees, Storm Surges? Could it Happen in Asheville??

As the world views the devestation left by Hurricane Katrina, some in Asheville are asking, could what happen in New Orleans happen here? Though most scientists say it’s impossible we’ve managed to find a scientist who says, “That might not be as crazy as it sounds, and Asheville us unprepared for such an event.”

"Imagine this doomsday scenario,” says George Hameltree, a scientist from Devry University. “The East Coast suddenly falls off into the ocean breaking off somewhere near Old Fort. A meteor hits the North Pole melting all the glaciers while a category-5 hurricane plows into Western North Carolina. Are we prepared for such an event? I think not."

“I’m not saying live in fear, just acknowledge the fact that the city of Asheville is ill-prepared to help it’s citizens if say the levees we don't have were to burst from the ocean that is hundreds of miles away.”

Hameltree is proposing building a 60-foot high levee around Asheville along with a "Noah's Arc" like floatation device that can hold the entire population of Asheville. He thinks investing heavily in fishing vessels and building future coastal resort areas in and around Asheville is a necessity. He also wants to gather funding for extensive research on the effects of the East Coast breaking off somewhere around Old Fort. "If we don't act now" Hameltree says, "Asheville's future fishing industry will be totally destroyed, along with our beach resorts? And the children? For god sakes, the children."

Ask Arnold...in progress

Dear Arnold,
My 16-year-old is impossible to wake up for school and is constantly late. What suggestions do you have for getting him out of bed?
David

Dear David,
That’s nothing that a slab of red meat and a hungry rottweiler couldn’t fix.

Dear Arnold,
What's a good way to monitor your teen's romantic relationships?
Worried

Dear Worried,
This is what I did for my daughter and what I suggest you do for yours. Go to her school, barge into her class, hand her a medicine bottle and tell her very loudly that she forgot to take her herpes pills this morning. Once that little rumor gets around school, you shoudn't have anymore romantic relationships to monitor.

Dear Arnold,
Our three-year-old still uses a pacifier. We’re worried about it reshaping his mouth or causing a speech impediment. What do you suggest?
Maria

Dear Maria,
When I was a child we didn't have your fancy pacifiers. Me and my brothers sucked on an old boot. My teeth took the shape of a size-twelve army issue. At five I replaced the boot with a pack-a-day smoking habit, so that’s what I would suggest. Kids like the menthols. They also help get the taste of boot out of your mouth.

Dear Arnold,
My nipple hurts when I breastfeed. I think I might have mastitis? Do you know of a remedy for this?
Gertrude

Dear Gertrude,
Good lord woman. What the hell is Mastitis? Your nipple hurts because you got a rugrat gnawing on it eight times a day. Put that thing away and give your child something better like an old boot.

Dear Arnold,
My husband and I have been wondering. Is it safe for your partner to taste your breast milk?
Brandy

Dear Brandy,
Jesus Finklestein Christ! What the hell is it with you people and breast milk? You’re a bunch of preverts that what you are. If God intended for us to drink from a breast they'd come with straws. Breasts are for jiggling, squeezing and holding dollar bills. Now enough with this breast milk nonsense.

Dear Arnold,
Do you have any suggestion of what I should do if my child were to ingest poison.
Stan

Dear Stan,
First, tell them that there’s a good chance they may die and that they need to make things right with the lord. Then start smacking them in the head. This gets their humours flowing faster and scares the poison out of the blood. If that doesn’t work, pour honey on their head, this lures the poison out where you can smack it with a tire iron.