Earthquake destroys Asheville

Millions of Earthquake zombies...

Energy Efficient Car Emits Nothing More than Cyanide and Radiation

Imagine driving a car that gets 150 mpg. Think it's impossible? Well engineers in Denmark have developed such a car. Meet the Deushleberg Fusion X. With it's twin hybrid drive system the Fusion X is capable of 150+ mpg while not sacrificing a smooth ride and power. The added bonus, no carbon monoxide.

"This is really gong to help with global warming," said Vlen Heifferson, the car's lead engineer. "When your sitting at a light, your car is emitting nothing more that a stream of cyanide and barely noticable cloud of radiation."

How does the magic happen? Well it's done with a patented Nuclear reactor engine - cooled with cyanide. It's very seimple actually. All you do is drop in two to three ounces of plutonium into the reactor three times a day. Add an ounce to an ounce and a half of regular house-hold cyanide, fill up with premium gas. The Fusion X drive system does the rest.

Storage of spent fuel rods can be a tricky matter and some owner have reported hair loss and occassional permanent cessation of breathing. But wigs, lead-lined storage bags, and respirators come standard with each car.

Still working on...has this been done before?.

Celebratory Hug Leads to Hetero-Confirming Banter

Two members of NASA's shuttle team are still refusing to talk about a hug that co-workers described as "a little too long for comfort." Dale Rogers and Scott Hubert clasp together in nerdful glee as the Shuttle Discovery blasted off safely into space. As co-workers looked on both men hugged and for a brief second appeared as if about to smooch.

"I thought they were going to do it," said Stacy Johnson who witnessed the hug. "Which is really gross because I don't think Dale's brushed his teeth in a week."

Both men abruptly parted and began rattling off equations and frantically running through checklists that had already been done. Scott kept saying, "I'm going out and getting laid tonight, hell yea!" Which struck coworks as odd since Scott had recently been turned down by Wanda the NASA slut who even Jimmy the one-eyed shuttle engineer managed to hook up with at the Christmas party.

Later they talked football and high-fived a lot, but avoided looking at each other. "They really were over acting. I mean it's okay if they want to make out, just take it outside," said Stacy.

Dale nervously dismisses the rumors. "I hugged a guy okay, I mean we just launched the space shuttle. The Space... Shuttle. If a man wants to hug another man he should be able to do it."

"Yea," said Scott. "If a man wants to grab another man's ass and briefly fantasize about sticking his tounge down his throat, it just means... good shuttle launch... you know. Come on people, grow up."

Ask Arnold

Dear Arnold,
My three-month-old really hates to take a bath. She cries and flails around and it’s difficult to bathe her. Do you have any suggestions?
Concerned

Dear Concerned,
Hose her down in the back yard. The farther you step back the less you’ll hear her cry. You could probably stand a good 20 feet away if you put a good arc on it. Grab a beer when your finished. By the time your done with that, she should be dry. A great timesaver tip is to put her on your car and wash both at the same time. If you use a liquid wax, she’ll have a beautiful shine.


Dear Arnold,
Is breast milk really that much better than formula for your infant?
Sally

Dear Sally,
I tell you, milk coming out of a person’s chest just ain’t natural. Next thing you know people are gonna want diapers to grow out of womens' heads. My mother didn't believe in either one. Her baby feeding rule was, “Big enough to touch your feet, old enough to eat red meat”. My advice, see if your baby can grab its feet. If it can, dump milk and formula and go straight to beef.


Dear Arnold,
We really believe in baby massage. We feel that it enhances our emotional bonds with our child. Do you have any suggestions of a type of oil that is best for massaging a little baby?
Susan

Dear Susan,
Let me get this straight; you massage your baby? Massages are for strained muscles and the occasional happy ending. Sounds like a bunch of hippie horse crap to me. But as far as a good oil, Valvoline 10w-30 has a multi-viscosity formula that should last a good 5,000 miles depending on use. WD-40 is good too and it’s got that little red straw for those hard to reach places.


Dear Arnold,
My wife gave birth last week and I wondered if you had any advice on my transition to fatherhood and how I can become more involved?
Rick

Dear Rick,
From what I gather your job is done. Your got her knocked up, congratulations. Now go back to work.


Dear Arnold,
Are there any sexual positions that would increase my chances for conceiving?
Veronica

Dear Veronica,
You mean like doing it with the lights on? I don't know what you perverts are asking, but there's only one position sanctioned by the Bible as the way God intended for his flock to procreate; it's called the "Reverse Two-Legged Stump Mule", and so far I've only injured myself and three other people in all my years of doing it. Thanks to the Mule I've got four kids and a couple more that I think are mine.