Friday, July 08, 2005

Ten Ways To Spice Up Your Love Life

if anyone has any thing to add... comment away

1. Incorporate some food. Slather a rack of ribs on your chest or take a bath in bread crumbs… sexy!
2. Ask your lover if he/she would like to play the dirty trombone!
3. Perhaps a prostitute to liven up that boring anniversary.
4. Heat up the night with a nice game of “Turtle.”
5. Okay… now you're Lynndie England and I’m the Iraqi prisoner.
6. Share sexy stories about past girl/boy friends.
7. Surprise sweetie... we just did it live on webcamsupersluts.com!
8. Nothing says I love you like waking up next to a Cleveland steamer.
9. Motivate your lover. During sex, point out all the things they do wrong.
10. Try doing it in front of your dog.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Scientists Baffled Why Attempts at Gerbil-Powered Space Probe Continue to Fail

Team members at NASA's Gerbil Propulsion Laboratory are regrouping after yet another disasterous attempt at gerbil-powered space flight. Their space probe Galactic Voyager veered from its predetermined path and is now drifting aimlessly in space. All onboard, Brown Gerbil, White Gerbil and Brown-and-White Gerbil, are feared dead.

"It’s back to the drawing board," said mission specialist Dale Rogers. "I just don’t get it. The gerbils run in the little plastic ball. It spins. Energy is created. It should be so simple. Maybe we should have used hamsters "

Scientists are checking data on meteors, solar winds and radiation. A flight scheduled for May was scrubbed when one of the gerbilnauts escaped, chewed through wiring, and gave birth to babies in the navigation computers.

This is the 12th mission to end in disaster and the government is pondering pulling the plug on gerbil power research. "It's just not come to fruition like we were told" said Bill Halloway goverment overseer for NASA. "Gerbil powered cars, TVs, trains... The science is sound. We just haven't seen the results."

"We don't know what happened on Mission 12. Some are discussing how the gerbils didn't have food and water," said Dale Rogers. "We're running that data through some of the supercomputers right now. I'm skeptical of that theory myself. It looks more like a blast of gamma rays altered the DNA of the gerbils making them lazy and stupid. That's where I'd put my money."

Housing Bubble About to Burst. Economy Prepares for Soap in the Eye

With housing prices at record highs, economists around the country are watching the housing bubble waiting for what they see as the inevitable burst. What impact will a popped housing bubble have on the economy? No one knows, but there are a lot of questions. For example: What sound will the pop make? Will we get soap in our eyes? Why can’t we catch the bubble in our hands without it popping?

Answers to these questions are important in determining the effect it will have on the economy. Will the pop be loud and sudden or will it gradually deflate and merely whine like a leaking balloon? What if the bubble floats up too high for us to grab? Is there some sort of house bubble making machine? What if the bubble pops in our mouths? Will it taste bad?

“I’m not going to buy a house if it’s just going to burst later,” said the Smiths, a young couple in the market for a house in Seattle. “We keep hearing about this bubble and we’re worried. Can this bubble be reblown like bubble gum or will it pop into nothing like a soap bubble. Alan Greenspan isn’t answering these questions and it has us worried. I think we'll get an apartment. Those aren't going to pop are they?”

"The housing bubble is a mysterious unknown," says David Crenshaw an economist at Harvard. "I've done extensive research on this phenomena by blowing bubbles in my bathtub. I blew big bubbles and small bubbles. None impacted the economy whatsoever. So my impression is that there is absolutely nothing to worry about."

Learn to Play the Cat in 10 minutes

by Ralph Breakwind

Nothing makes an evening more enjoyable then sitting around playing the Cat. Whether with a group of friends or on stage with a band, few instruments are blessed with the unique sound than that of a well-played Cat. Here are some pointers to get you on your way to playing the Cat.

1. It's important to have good Cat-playing form. The traditional method is the "Stomp-and-Grab" method. Grab head, lift up while pinning body to ground with your left foot. Arc arm. Get a solid grip with your left hand and remember to breath.

2. With your right arm, squeeze Cat. Did you notice the sound? Congratulations. That’s the first step toward being an accomplished Cat player.

3. Play around first. Squeeze your Cat in different areas and explore the tonal qualities of your new instrument. Once you feel comfortable try a simple song like “Mary had a little Lamb”.

4. Remember playing a Cat won’t come easily at first. So to become a good player you must do three things: Practice, practice and wear gloves.

5. If you know of friends who play the Cat, try "jamming" with them. It's a fun way to learn.

Remember, you're not going to be "rocking out" at first. Playing a Cat is difficult but with practice and commitment you'll be able to squeeze sounds out of your Cat that you never knew existed.