Monday, November 28, 2005

Spreading the Christmas Love

by Artimus Peeflower

You know. It might just be the pint of Georgia Moon speaking but I love this time of year. I just got back from slaughtering a tree for Jesus, decorating it with Christmas lights, and forcing my child to sit and watch the pre-programmed 8-mode light display. "Look boy," I tell him. "You see that flashing tree? It died for Jesus and Jesus died for you, so recognize!"

I put it in the window so my sorry-ass neighbors can see that I’m bringing the Christmas cheer to my house and that warms the cockles of my motherfucking heart. "So shut up boy," I tell him. "Sit down and respect the fucking tree."

I put up a nativity scene in front of my house. I got the plastic Jesus, the Mary, and the Joseph. I got sheep, lambs, three wise men, all that crap. My neighbor was looking at it when he was leaving his house and I wanted to spread the holiday cheer so I said, “That’s Jesus you fucking towel head. He puts the Christ in Christmas. Go to church sometime and you might learn something!” It's important to give back to the community like that.

Me and my buddies have a carolling group going. We go out and sing all the Christmas favorites. Jingles Bells, Rudolph, Hark the herald angles sing fa la la la la motherfucking la! There’s nothing better than ending a good night out drinking with your buddies than singing in front of somebody’s house at four in the morning. It’s like being awakened by angels.

I know there’s Channuka, Kwanza and all that crap. That’s cute and all, but nothing captures the message of Christmas like Christmas. I put a 25-foot tall crucifix on my front yard and wrapped it in blinking icicle lights. On top is Santa and his reindeer and a 32 million-watt light that shines down on my nativity scene like the eye of God. That’s what it’s all about really. Jesus, lights, dead trees, fat men in red suits breaking into your house, and brotherly love... not in that gay way though. So enjoy the holidays folks and respect the fucking tree!

Monday, November 21, 2005

Reviews of The Happy Bullets and The Tah-Dahs

The Happy Bullets - The Vice and Virtue Ministry / The Tah-Dahs - Le Fun
(2005, Undeniable Records)

I am officially declaring the Dallas based Undeniable Records as my new favorite label in the world. With their first two releases they've injected some life into what is becoming, quite frankly, a stagnant indie scene. Niether The Happy Bullets nor The Tah-Dahs are revolutionary, or even all that original but both bands ARE infectiously catchy, extremely clever and just plain fun. Both tackle mundane, sometimes outright depressing, subjects with a skip and a whistle making the plight of their songs' subjects seem even more futile.

The Happy Bullets keenly balance the serious and the whimsical. Their songs are like 3 minute snapshots of other people's lives. The characters in their stories are mostly oblivious to the pathetic state of their lives. An official of the Department of Weights and Measures insists that he's "The only one standing in the way of total chaos." A young man forces himself to resign his dreams as he learns to love the factory. A Suburban housewife gets a brief glimps of the apocolypse. Although the lyrics are written in character they could apply to pretty much anyone's life.

With duel songwriters, the musical stylings on The Vice and Virtue Ministry switch tracks constantly. It's obvious from the title and cover art that Jason Roberts and Tim Ruble have something of an affinity for Brit-pop. The Kinks are there, only half-buried in the mix. The track "Mr. Gray" is an answer to ELO's "Mr. Blue Sky" in Jeff Lynn's own style. If everyone's so happy to see Mr. Blue Sky then how must Mr. Gray feel? The Happy Bullets have other tricks too. The individual song's style is taylored to it's character. There's a bit of The Shins, The Decemberests and bassist Andrea Roberts offers a portion of girlie pop a la Cub or Heavenly. Producer Stuart Sikes (Modest Mouse, The Walkmen, White Stripes, etc…) adds a bit of unobtrusive polish and rounds things out nicely.

The Tah-Dahs are no less jauntly but their influences seem to be more homegrown. They can deliver a damn good song even if the attempts at lyrical cleverness sometimes fall flat. Not everyone can be Franklin Bruno. Still, the cheekiness and obscure movie referrences on Le Fun are undeniably charming and when lyricist Roy Ivy plays the words just right you realise how much better the band is going to get. For now the main concern is girls. Ivy may sing about making mix tapes or dismissing cute, hipster bands but at the gooey center of every track is yet another girl.

Stylisticly The Tah-Dahs' aim is fairly true. Taking elements of The Modern Lovers, The Feelies and The Pixies, they twist the these tales of frustrated adolescence into solidly well-crafted songs. Le Fun may begin as a glorified prom soundtrack but by the end proves itself to be a cleverly enjoyable romp that lusts to reclaim the adventurous goofiness of youthful inexperience. No it's not a perfect album but it shines often and can perk you right up for the drive to work or school or wherever it is you people go.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Emails from Michael Brown at FEMA During Katrina




From: Brown, Michael D.
Sent: Wendesday, August 31, 2005
To: Grozny, Dan
Subject: Re: Help Required. Need More Supplies Immediately

Gotcha Dan. Hey check this picture out. It’s hilarious.

Fatgirlmotorcycle.gif

-------Original Message------
From: Grozny, Dan
Sent: Wendesday, August 31, 2005
To: Brown, Michael D.
Subject: Help Require More Supplies Immediately

Sir, we are in desparate need. Food supplies are running out. People are about to riot. Dead are piled on the street. No phone connectivity. Please hurry, we need help now!



_______________________________________


From: Brown, Michael D.
Sent: Thursday, September 01, 2005
To: Green, Sally
Subject: Re: New Orleans

I understand Sally. What is it exactly that you need me to do?


-------Original Message------
From: Green, Sally
Sent: Wendesday, August 31, 2005
To: Brown, Michael D.
Subject: New Orleans

There’s 1000-gallon tanker truck with much-needed water at the state line. it doesn’t know where to go. Please send word to the driver that it is badly needed here at the Convention Center in New Orleans.


_____________________________________



From: Brown, Michael D.
Sent: Thursday, September 01, 2005
To: Grozny, Dan
Subject: Re: Situation Deteriorating Quickly

What’s a levee? Look, I’ve got a big press conference right now. I bought a brand new blue button-down shirt for it and it looks fabulous. I think I’m going to WOW everyone! I see a big promotion coming out of this. Cross your fingers.


-------Original Message------
From: Grozny, Dan
Sent: Wendesday, August 31, 2005
To: Brown, Michael D.
Subject: Situation Deteriorating Quickly

The levee system has crumbled. Water is continuing to rush in. Please send for more help. People are drowning. Thousands still stranded on roof tops.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

I Ain't Scared of No Bird Flu

By Ralph Breakwind

I guess have to start this by saying I love chickens. And by that I mean I really really love chickens... if you know what I'm saying. Some folks have been coming up to me lately saying Ralph, you’ve got stop hanging out at that chicken coop. The bird flu’s going around, the neighbors are talking, and you smell like bird. You know what I tell them, don’t put your hang-ups on me man. Don’t hold me down with your closed minds.

Have you ever felt the sensation of a full-body peck when you accidentally rolled naked over a pile of chicken feed and just happen to stumble into coup. Have you ever had a chicken give you “that look” you know what I’m saying, that “I won’t say no” stare? Have you ever witnessed chicken on chicken action? If you had, then you’d understand. If not, take your hateful stares elsewhere you fascist.

Now everyone’s hatin’ on the birds because of this bird flu. Saying Ralph you’re going get some disease hanging out with those chickens. You’re going to mutate that chicken virus until it goes airborne. Give me a break. Sure, I get the occasional rash and open sores, but have you ever been in the throes of passionate love and had your partner lay an egg on your chest? Have you? Until you do, you just won’t get it.

So you don't scare me with your little flu story. Just keep your hating ways to yourself. Until you can open your mind to all kinds of love then you’ll live in a dark world where a man’s wife leaves him just because she finds a chicken straddling his face in bed. I can’t help that I’m so enticing to the fine hens. I’m all about spreading the love. So remember, once you go chicken, nothing else is lickin’. Okay I need to work on that, but you get the idea.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Ask Arnold - in progress

Dear Arnold,
I’m worried I might be pregnant. It's very early, but are there certain signs to look for to see if I might be pregnant.
Cindy


Dear Cindy,
If you get fat, cry a lot, and your boyfriend stops calling, you might be pregnant. Or it could be that you’re not pregnant just fat, emotional and really annoying.

Dear Arnold,
I was told you can use vegetable shortening to cure diaper rash. Is that true?
Beth


Dear Beth,
I don’t know. Will pouring a bottle of whisky on my ball sack grow back the nut that got blown off at Da Kang? How about licking the hindquarters of an enchanted fairy who lives in an elm tree? I hear that clears up a raging case of gonorrea. You people are a bunch of idiots.

Dear Arnold,
My son wheezes a lot and has been diagnosed with Asthma. Are there some day-to-day things I can do to lessen the chances of an attack
Concerned



Dear Concerned,
There’s no such thing as asthma. If he's not hacking up yellowish-green phlegm 10 to 20 times a day his lungs are too dry and he needs to smoke more. The next time your son starts faking the wheezies, stick a cigarette in front of his face and tell him to suck it down. This builds up lung power and lubes the lungs with healing phelgm. Keep this up until he stops whining or passes out. Either way he'll feel better.

Dear Arnold,
One of my friend's children is the same age as my son, but she is already counting. They're both two and a half. Is my child behind?
Gertrude


Dear Gerturde,
I had a cousin who was late in learning to count. He drools a lot and keeps getting his hand caught in his own zipper. Not saying your kid will drool, but I’d keep him away from zippers just to be safe.

Dear Arnold,
I was thinking of modeling my child. She is quite unique and attractive. Do you have any suggestions of where to start?
Donna


Dear Donna,
I’ve got some news for you. Your kid’s about as unique as that wart growing on my ass. What makes you think the world cares about seeing your little angel dressed up like a midget hooker?

Monday, September 26, 2005

Man Sells Heirloom for X-Box and a Sack of “Kick-Ass” Weed

Inspired by an episode of Antiques Road Show on PBS, Harold Bartlett on whim took a broach from his mother's closet and had an on-air appraisal during a taping of the show in Charlotte.

The early 18th-century gold broach was worn by Bartlett's great great great great grandmother during the Seige of Boston during the Revolutionary war. It was handed down from generation to generation in the Bartlett family. It survived three fires, a theft, multiple wars and was known as the symbolic heart of the Bartlett heritage. It was told that great great grandfather Silas Bartlett died while retrieving the broach from his burning plantation during the Civil War.

“Dude I was so stoked, I always thought it was worth some ching ching.” Harold excitedly told the Road Show's camera after the appraisal. The price was estimated around $3,000 to $5,000 though a dent was noted on the back, from an attempting mugging of Harold’s Great Grandmother during the Great Depression. The broach saved her life. “That hurts it a little on the value,” says Ben Folderman the broach’s appraiser, “but it adds so much more in sentimental value.”

After the taping, Bartlett found an anxious buyer who gave him $2,500 on the spot, which he later spent on an X-Box and quite a large amount of marijuana. “It’s got some sweet red hairs in it. My next bong hit is for my great great great grandmom. Myrtle or Eyrtle or something. I’m totally going to go back through my mom’s closet again and see if I can find any more of this old junk.”

Friday, September 23, 2005

Whatever Happened to That Guy With That Thing

You remember that guy that had that thing with that little other thing on it? I wonder what happened to him. It was so funny when he grabbed that round thingie and shoved it in his watchamacallit and then marched out where we were all standing and was like “hey dudes like at this thing in my watchamacallit”. I was like, man, dude you know. That guy was crazy. I hope they were able to remove that thing with the thing on it that he shoved in his watchamcalllit.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Bush Vows To Militarily Engage Next Hurricane

With the unveiling of "Operation Soaring Eagle", President Bush announced new plans to counter the continuing threat of hurricanes. "Hurricanes are a growing threat to our national security," the president said, "and I see no other option than to attack them with the full force of the American military."

"Our intelligence has spotted a hurricane 'factory' off the African coast. We have informed Africa that if it does not stop forming hurricanes we will be forced to invade and liberate its people. Any country known to harbor or help in the formation of hurricanes will be considered an enemy to the American people."

The U.S. has already secretly been performing "Operation Head Against Wall" which entails B-52 bombing runs against developing tropical depressions. Though the effects have been minimal, the Bush administration has been undeterred. "Now is not the time to question the effectiveness of bombing a tropical depression or strafing a storm surge," said the president. "That only embolderens the hurricanes. We must be decisive and stand as one."

"I think the hurricane threat is in its last throes," said Vice President Cheney. "They are withering under the intense pressure from our military. I see all hurricanes being defeated by 2009."

The operation calls for troops to line the entire Gulf coast and to engage the storm surge and heavy winds with "extreme prejudice." Shoulder-fired weapons, Abrams tanks, machine guns will all be used as well as attack aircraft and Apache helicopters. "I don't care how big that storm surge thinks it is," says Tim Ballows, a private with the Alabama National Guard which is stationed on the beaches of Mobile, Alabama. "After I pump a few rounds into it, it'll think twice about messing with America."

The price tag of the operation has been put around 800 billion dollars with many contracts going to Halliburton and other agencies already in use in Iraq. "I don’t think we can put a price tag on freedom," the president said about the high cost of the operation. "I'll let the accountants worry about that. My job is to kick ass and take names. That's exactly what Operation Soaring Eagle is all about."

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Hurricanes, Breached Levees, Storm Surges? Could it Happen in Asheville??

As the world views the devestation left by Hurricane Katrina, some in Asheville are asking, could what happen in New Orleans happen here? Though most scientists say it’s impossible we’ve managed to find a scientist who says, “That might not be as crazy as it sounds, and Asheville us unprepared for such an event.”

"Imagine this doomsday scenario,” says George Hameltree, a scientist from Devry University. “The East Coast suddenly falls off into the ocean breaking off somewhere near Old Fort. A meteor hits the North Pole melting all the glaciers while a category-5 hurricane plows into Western North Carolina. Are we prepared for such an event? I think not."

“I’m not saying live in fear, just acknowledge the fact that the city of Asheville is ill-prepared to help it’s citizens if say the levees we don't have were to burst from the ocean that is hundreds of miles away.”

Hameltree is proposing building a 60-foot high levee around Asheville along with a "Noah's Arc" like floatation device that can hold the entire population of Asheville. He thinks investing heavily in fishing vessels and building future coastal resort areas in and around Asheville is a necessity. He also wants to gather funding for extensive research on the effects of the East Coast breaking off somewhere around Old Fort. "If we don't act now" Hameltree says, "Asheville's future fishing industry will be totally destroyed, along with our beach resorts? And the children? For god sakes, the children."

Ask Arnold...in progress

Dear Arnold,
My 16-year-old is impossible to wake up for school and is constantly late. What suggestions do you have for getting him out of bed?
David


Dear David,
That’s nothing that a slab of red meat and a hungry rottweiler couldn’t fix.

Dear Arnold,
What's a good way to monitor your teen's romantic relationships?
Worried


Dear Worried,
This is what I did for my daughter and what I suggest you do for yours. Go to her school, barge into her class, hand her a medicine bottle and tell her very loudly that she forgot to take her herpes pills this morning. Once that little rumor gets around school, you shoudn't have anymore romantic relationships to monitor.

Dear Arnold,
Our three-year-old still uses a pacifier. We’re worried about it reshaping his mouth or causing a speech impediment. What do you suggest?
Maria


Dear Maria,
When I was a child we didn't have your fancy pacifiers. Me and my brothers sucked on an old boot. My teeth took the shape of a size-twelve army issue. At five I replaced the boot with a pack-a-day smoking habit, so that’s what I would suggest. Kids like the menthols. They also help get the taste of boot out of your mouth.

Dear Arnold,
My nipple hurts when I breastfeed. I think I might have mastitis? Do you know of a remedy for this?
Gertrude


Dear Gertrude,
Good lord woman. What the hell is Mastitis? Your nipple hurts because you got a rugrat gnawing on it eight times a day. Put that thing away and give your child something better like an old boot.

Dear Arnold,
My husband and I have been wondering. Is it safe for your partner to taste your breast milk?
Brandy


Dear Brandy,
Jesus Finklestein Christ! What the hell is it with you people and breast milk? You’re a bunch of preverts that what you are. If God intended for us to drink from a breast they'd come with straws. Breasts are for jiggling, squeezing and holding dollar bills. Now enough with this breast milk nonsense.

Dear Arnold,
Do you have any suggestion of what I should do if my child were to ingest poison.
Stan


Dear Stan,
First, tell them that there’s a good chance they may die and that they need to make things right with the lord. Then start smacking them in the head. This gets their humours flowing faster and scares the poison out of the blood. If that doesn’t work, pour honey on their head, this lures the poison out where you can smack it with a tire iron.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Earthquake destroys Asheville

Millions of Earthquake zombies...

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Energy Efficient Car Emits Nothing More than Cyanide and Radiation

Imagine driving a car that gets 150 mpg. Think it's impossible? Well engineers in Denmark have developed such a car. Meet the Deushleberg Fusion X. With it's twin hybrid drive system the Fusion X is capable of 150+ mpg while not sacrificing a smooth ride and power. The added bonus, no carbon monoxide.

"This is really gong to help with global warming," said Vlen Heifferson, the car's lead engineer. "When your sitting at a light, your car is emitting nothing more that a stream of cyanide and barely noticable cloud of radiation."

How does the magic happen? Well it's done with a patented Nuclear reactor engine - cooled with cyanide. It's very seimple actually. All you do is drop in two to three ounces of plutonium into the reactor three times a day. Add an ounce to an ounce and a half of regular house-hold cyanide, fill up with premium gas. The Fusion X drive system does the rest.

Storage of spent fuel rods can be a tricky matter and some owner have reported hair loss and occassional permanent cessation of breathing. But wigs, lead-lined storage bags, and respirators come standard with each car.

Still working on...has this been done before?.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Celebratory Hug Leads to Hetero-Confirming Banter

Two members of NASA's shuttle team are still refusing to talk about a hug that co-workers described as "a little too long for comfort." Dale Rogers and Scott Hubert clasp together in nerdful glee as the Shuttle Discovery blasted off safely into space. As co-workers looked on both men hugged and for a brief second appeared as if about to smooch.

"I thought they were going to do it," said Stacy Johnson who witnessed the hug. "Which is really gross because I don't think Dale's brushed his teeth in a week."

Both men abruptly parted and began rattling off equations and frantically running through checklists that had already been done. Scott kept saying, "I'm going out and getting laid tonight, hell yea!" Which struck coworks as odd since Scott had recently been turned down by Wanda the NASA slut who even Jimmy the one-eyed shuttle engineer managed to hook up with at the Christmas party.

Later they talked football and high-fived a lot, but avoided looking at each other. "They really were over acting. I mean it's okay if they want to make out, just take it outside," said Stacy.

Dale nervously dismisses the rumors. "I hugged a guy okay, I mean we just launched the space shuttle. The Space... Shuttle. If a man wants to hug another man he should be able to do it."

"Yea," said Scott. "If a man wants to grab another man's ass and briefly fantasize about sticking his tounge down his throat, it just means... good shuttle launch... you know. Come on people, grow up."

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Ask Arnold

Dear Arnold,
My three-month-old really hates to take a bath. She cries and flails around and it’s difficult to bathe her. Do you have any suggestions?
Concerned


Dear Concerned,
Hose her down in the back yard. The farther you step back the less you’ll hear her cry. You could probably stand a good 20 feet away if you put a good arc on it. Grab a beer when your finished. By the time your done with that, she should be dry. A great timesaver tip is to put her on your car and wash both at the same time. If you use a liquid wax, she’ll have a beautiful shine.


Dear Arnold,
Is breast milk really that much better than formula for your infant?
Sally


Dear Sally,
I tell you, milk coming out of a person’s chest just ain’t natural. Next thing you know people are gonna want diapers to grow out of womens' heads. My mother didn't believe in either one. Her baby feeding rule was, “Big enough to touch your feet, old enough to eat red meat”. My advice, see if your baby can grab its feet. If it can, dump milk and formula and go straight to beef.


Dear Arnold,
We really believe in baby massage. We feel that it enhances our emotional bonds with our child. Do you have any suggestions of a type of oil that is best for massaging a little baby?
Susan


Dear Susan,
Let me get this straight; you massage your baby? Massages are for strained muscles and the occasional happy ending. Sounds like a bunch of hippie horse crap to me. But as far as a good oil, Valvoline 10w-30 has a multi-viscosity formula that should last a good 5,000 miles depending on use. WD-40 is good too and it’s got that little red straw for those hard to reach places.


Dear Arnold,
My wife gave birth last week and I wondered if you had any advice on my transition to fatherhood and how I can become more involved?
Rick


Dear Rick,
From what I gather your job is done. Your got her knocked up, congratulations. Now go back to work.


Dear Arnold,
Are there any sexual positions that would increase my chances for conceiving?
Veronica


Dear Veronica,
You mean like doing it with the lights on? I don't know what you perverts are asking, but there's only one position sanctioned by the Bible as the way God intended for his flock to procreate; it's called the "Reverse Two-Legged Stump Mule", and so far I've only injured myself and three other people in all my years of doing it. Thanks to the Mule I've got four kids and a couple more that I think are mine.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Ten Ways To Spice Up Your Love Life

if anyone has any thing to add... comment away

1. Incorporate some food. Slather a rack of ribs on your chest or take a bath in bread crumbs… sexy!
2. Ask your lover if he/she would like to play the dirty trombone!
3. Perhaps a prostitute to liven up that boring anniversary.
4. Heat up the night with a nice game of “Turtle.”
5. Okay… now you're Lynndie England and I’m the Iraqi prisoner.
6. Share sexy stories about past girl/boy friends.
7. Surprise sweetie... we just did it live on webcamsupersluts.com!
8. Nothing says I love you like waking up next to a Cleveland steamer.
9. Motivate your lover. During sex, point out all the things they do wrong.
10. Try doing it in front of your dog.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Scientists Baffled Why Attempts at Gerbil-Powered Space Probe Continue to Fail

Team members at NASA's Gerbil Propulsion Laboratory are regrouping after yet another disasterous attempt at gerbil-powered space flight. Their space probe Galactic Voyager veered from its predetermined path and is now drifting aimlessly in space. All onboard, Brown Gerbil, White Gerbil and Brown-and-White Gerbil, are feared dead.

"It’s back to the drawing board," said mission specialist Dale Rogers. "I just don’t get it. The gerbils run in the little plastic ball. It spins. Energy is created. It should be so simple. Maybe we should have used hamsters "

Scientists are checking data on meteors, solar winds and radiation. A flight scheduled for May was scrubbed when one of the gerbilnauts escaped, chewed through wiring, and gave birth to babies in the navigation computers.

This is the 12th mission to end in disaster and the government is pondering pulling the plug on gerbil power research. "It's just not come to fruition like we were told" said Bill Halloway goverment overseer for NASA. "Gerbil powered cars, TVs, trains... The science is sound. We just haven't seen the results."

"We don't know what happened on Mission 12. Some are discussing how the gerbils didn't have food and water," said Dale Rogers. "We're running that data through some of the supercomputers right now. I'm skeptical of that theory myself. It looks more like a blast of gamma rays altered the DNA of the gerbils making them lazy and stupid. That's where I'd put my money."

Housing Bubble About to Burst. Economy Prepares for Soap in the Eye

With housing prices at record highs, economists around the country are watching the housing bubble waiting for what they see as the inevitable burst. What impact will a popped housing bubble have on the economy? No one knows, but there are a lot of questions. For example: What sound will the pop make? Will we get soap in our eyes? Why can’t we catch the bubble in our hands without it popping?

Answers to these questions are important in determining the effect it will have on the economy. Will the pop be loud and sudden or will it gradually deflate and merely whine like a leaking balloon? What if the bubble floats up too high for us to grab? Is there some sort of house bubble making machine? What if the bubble pops in our mouths? Will it taste bad?

“I’m not going to buy a house if it’s just going to burst later,” said the Smiths, a young couple in the market for a house in Seattle. “We keep hearing about this bubble and we’re worried. Can this bubble be reblown like bubble gum or will it pop into nothing like a soap bubble. Alan Greenspan isn’t answering these questions and it has us worried. I think we'll get an apartment. Those aren't going to pop are they?”

"The housing bubble is a mysterious unknown," says David Crenshaw an economist at Harvard. "I've done extensive research on this phenomena by blowing bubbles in my bathtub. I blew big bubbles and small bubbles. None impacted the economy whatsoever. So my impression is that there is absolutely nothing to worry about."

Learn to Play the Cat in 10 minutes

by Ralph Breakwind

Nothing makes an evening more enjoyable then sitting around playing the Cat. Whether with a group of friends or on stage with a band, few instruments are blessed with the unique sound than that of a well-played Cat. Here are some pointers to get you on your way to playing the Cat.

1. It's important to have good Cat-playing form. The traditional method is the "Stomp-and-Grab" method. Grab head, lift up while pinning body to ground with your left foot. Arc arm. Get a solid grip with your left hand and remember to breath.

2. With your right arm, squeeze Cat. Did you notice the sound? Congratulations. That’s the first step toward being an accomplished Cat player.

3. Play around first. Squeeze your Cat in different areas and explore the tonal qualities of your new instrument. Once you feel comfortable try a simple song like “Mary had a little Lamb”.

4. Remember playing a Cat won’t come easily at first. So to become a good player you must do three things: Practice, practice and wear gloves.

5. If you know of friends who play the Cat, try "jamming" with them. It's a fun way to learn.

Remember, you're not going to be "rocking out" at first. Playing a Cat is difficult but with practice and commitment you'll be able to squeeze sounds out of your Cat that you never knew existed.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Tiget Bear Wolf

Tiger Bear Wolf - S/T
(2005, Hello Sir Records)

I try my best to remain non-prjudicial about new bands. The one thing that can put a bad taste in my mouth before even popping the disk into my player though is the assertion by some boneheaded critic that a band is going to "save rock and roll". Rock is apparently a highly fragile damsel tied to the railroad tracks by a mustache twirling, top-hatted villain. The truth is that Rock and Roll doesn't need saving, never has. She's a shit-kicking hell raiser who can take care of herself. She just needs celebrating. If you're THAT concerned then start a damn preservation society or something. Its also interesting that none of those bands ever sound anything like Bill Haley and The Comets, instead they wallow in the bloated self indulgence that was killing rock in the mid-70's.
On their self-titled debut, Greensboro, NC's Tiger Bear Wolf actually have something new to bring to the table. When they say, "I'll take up my guitar cause I know one thing worth saving is rock and roll," there's a bit of cheekiness to the statement. They are the celebrators and not the self-proclaimed saviors. Don't take that to mean that they're the least bit ironic, when it comes to kicking out the jams they're serious. What they don't do is rest their laurels on emulating a specific rock sound for the sake of nostalgia.
What Tiger Bear Wolf does is incorporate the last thirty five odd years of rock history into their sound. There's the impetuous energy of The Stooges, the sloppy production and heavy riffage of The MC5, the braying bark of Fugazi's Ian MacKaye, the acrobatic guitaristry of Drive Like Jehu and the sophisticated innovation of Mission of Burma. One thing these guys aren't are posseurs. This album proves that sweaty energy ain't just for cock rockers anymore.
The bursts from your speakers sound so spontanious and primal that the complexity of the songs may pass you by on first listen. They don'y just grab you by the balls, they also grab you by the head. There's as much math as there is testosterone in Tiger Bear Wolf. With this release we've come closer to the day that mullets and mohawks can embrace in fellowship. I will never say that rock and roll needs to be saved, but I will admit that they've saved me from boredom and monotony.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Young Republicans, America Needs You Now!

by Barton Bushfield

Fellow Republicans, I write this because America is in crisis. The war in Iraq is dragging. The armed services can't meet their already-lowered recruitment goals. The president's competency is under attack by the Democrats, and polls show dwindling support for the war.

It's time Republicans started doing more than just talk about the war. That's why I'm supporting Operation Yellow Elephant. This operation’s goal is to get all young Republicans, particularly those in college, who voted for George Bush and who support the war to join the armed services today!

I don't understand how any healthy young Republican can be attending college while America is under attack. You can't spread democracy by taking an English exam.

So this is what Operation Yellow Elephant asks of you: Bush voters, war supporters — put your ass where your mouth is. Put up or shut up. Stop what you're doing and enlist right now! I know you've purposefully kept those Army positions vacant so the poor minorities in this country have a way to pay for college, and that's admirable of you, but now it's time to fill the empty ranks with good ol' all-American Republicans!

Operation Yellow Elephant is helping the Army reach its recruiting goals. We've asked the College Republican National Committee to put recruiting banner's on their website and brochures. So far they have refused. I ask my fellow Republicans, how can the American people be expected to support a war if the supporters themselves refuse to fight? That's why I implore all young Republicans in college to enlist today. Support war, support your president!

But we must do more than join the Army, Navy or Marines. We must convince other war supporters to do their share as well. Therefore, I ask you to call the College Republican National Committee at (888) 765-3564 and tell them to put an Army recruiting banner on their site and to enlist as well. Call the organizers of the Young Republicans National Convention at 775-741-4430. Tell them it’s time their members put their lives on the line for George W. Visit your local college and ask the members of any Republican club to put down the books and pick up a rifle. Do it for America!

Visit www.militarygi.com to enlist and check out our Operations Homepage at http://patriotboy.blogspot.com to learn more. Come on Republicans. Let's go kick some ass!

Monday, June 20, 2005

Ask Arnold... in progress

Dear Arnold,
I have a tween who I believe is smoking. How do you suggest I handle it.
Sarah


Dear Sarah,
What the hell is a tween? Isn't that some kind of fish? Look, I don't know what you're smoking, but i'm not answering a question about a damn fish.

Dear Arnold,
My husband and I were caught having sex by my six-year-old son. It frightened him and I don’t know how to tactfully explain to him what we were doing. What do you suggest?
Embarrassed


Dear Embarrassed,
I was six years old myself when I walked in on my own parents. On the kitchen table were two moaning piles of sweaty fat rolls and double chins. I can still remember the horror of seeing my parents faces buried in a mound of flailing wrinkly limbs and jiggling thighs sloshing back and forth with every snorting spasm and wheezy grunt. Now imagine being six-years-old and realizing you were created from that unholy spectacle. That's why God invented door locks. Your son's just going to have to work through that one.

Dear Arnold,
My milk supply has been running low and I’m afraid my baby isn’t getting enough milk from my breast. What should I do?
Worried


Dear Worried,
Two words “Recombinant Bovine Somatotropin.” That’s fancy talk for cow growth hormone. Inject 300mg of that every three days and you'll be blowing your kid across the room.

Dear Arnold,
I have a 16-year-old daughter who has decided to be a vegetarian. The problem is I don't think she gets enough protein, and I'm worried abot her health. Should I let her continue?
Deloris


Dear Deloris,
If you don't eat meat, your humours get all unbalanced. Whenever our humours got off kilter, Grand Ma Ma thought would make us one of her medicinal bacon smoothies. Two-and-half pounds of bacon, fatback, butter, a chicken gizzard, thyme and some hog squeezin's. Blend until not so chunky.

Dear Arnold,
What are some alternatives to spanking. We really would not like to spank our child.
Randy

Dear Randy,
I agree, spanking is a pansy-ass way to raise a kid. My father had a much better way. He'd give me "The Look" followed by a series of back hands and would always say, "When we were conceiving you at that bus station, I should have rolled over and shot you into the wall." Then it was straight back to the basement. I turned out great, outside of that stint at Leavenworth.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Insurgent Car Bombers Hold First Annual “Pimped Out Ride” Contest

by Rusty McWackin

Downtown Baghdad was bustling today at the First Annual Baghdad Car Bomber “Pimped Out Ride” Contest. Among the shouts of “Death to America” and “Allah is great”, were oohs and awes as car bombers from all over Iraq viewed each other's tricked-out vehicles and shared secrets on the latest explosive concealing techniques.

One participant, Akmed, an American-hating Saudi Arabian who drives a "totally pimped-out" Ford Escort had a crowd gathered around him. They wanted to learn the secrets of his rust-colored, four-cylinder, two-seater with bald tires and shot brakes.

“Yo this car is da bomb!” says Akmed, excitedly popping the rear window for his Al Qaeda buddies, “Check it out. I’ve got C-4 packed in the back. I've got it in my mags. I’ve got screws and bolts jammed in the frame for that extra zing zing… you know what I’m saying. I’ve got exploding doors. I’ve got 20 under the hood (20 lbs of dynamite). My gear shift is filled with nitroglycerin and my pine tree air freshener is made of gun powder. The driver's seat is soaked in gasoline. And check this out…” Akmed pulls back his shirt to reveal a suicide vest. The crowd cheers. “I’m riding this baby to my 100 virgins in the sky… beyatch… after I blow up some people waiting in line for food… Praise Allah.”

There were more than just cars at the Baghdad contest. Some insurgents drove in on modified three-wheelers with shoulder-fired rockets, mopeds with flame throwers, even a bicycle with fireworks duct taped to the frame. “I’m poor,” said the bike rider,” but we’re such a close knit group. I wanted to show support.” He was later given a stick of dynamite to put on his handlebar horn by a sympathetic insurgent. “You see what I mean“, he said choking back tears, “these guys are the best.”

The event was relatively peaceful, with a few mishaps The slamming of car doors, the occasional smoker, or someone standing near a car caused some insurgents to prematurely martyr themselves, but everyone agrees, it was all in the name of good fun.

The winner was an insurgent from Kirkuk whose tricked-out Volkswagen Beetle held enough power to level a downtown block. He was awarded the “Praise Allah, Death to America” award, which was a bronzed stick of C-4 that accidentally exploded when he raised it above his head in celebration.

After a nice meal and the shouting of “Death to American Pig Dogs”, they all left to test the pimpness of their explosive rides on unsuspecting women and children around the city.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Ask Arnold

Dear Arnold,
How do you know when your child is old enough to be potty trained?
Sincerely,
Tired of Diapers.

Dear Tired of Diapers.
It’s all about the subtle clues. For instance, I knew it was time for little Henry to try the potty when he came up to me and said, ”Dad, the diapers are giving me a rash when I mow the lawn.” That was the sign that little Henry didn’t need to change his own diapers any more. He had become a man.

Dear Arnold,
Our baby cries a lot. What’s a good way to sooth a crying baby and make them stop.
Tired.

Dear Tired,
Duct tape, dirty sock, muzzle, glue... there's just too many to mention. A question like that makes me think you're not really trying.


Dear Arnold,
I’m wondering if our child is suffereing from ADD - attention deficit disorder. He's showing signs of inattention, impulsivity and hyperactivity. What should we do?
Concerned

Dear Concerned,
Let’s see here. You’re kid gets bored easily, likes to do spontaneous things and has a lot of energy. That sure doesn’t sound like any kid I know. He's probably just a little stupid, and as far as I know there's no cure for that.

Dear Arnold,
My son's soccer coach refuses to play my son even though I know he's as good as the other kids. What's the best way to handle this situation?
Dan

Dear Dan,
The best time to handle this is in the middle of a soccer game. Pull a knife on the coach and tell him to meet you behind Piggly Wiggly. If he refuses to go, show your son how to deal withany disagreement by throwing a swift punch to his throat and doing a Pekinese Groin Grab. (Look at his wife while you do this.) It's a little demasculating trick I learned in Da Nang.

Dear Arnold,
What are some things to look out for when we’re buying toys for our three-year-old son.
Patrick

Dear Patrick,
Don’t get him anything gay. You don’t want to turn your boy into some flaming ass hound because you got him a doll or something pink. Nothing will turn a boy queerer faster than a bunch of gay toys. Get guns, knives, things to teach him how to defend our country from the boys who grew up with gay toys. As far as girls, just get them some kitchen cooking tea-set crap, so they can get started on learning how to cook for their man.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Rush Limbaugh Injures Self Pulling Statistic Out of Ass

Veteran talk show host and Republican spokesman Rush Limbaugh left the airing of his radio show yesterday and was rushed to a local hospital after sustaining injuries from pulling a statistic out of his ass.

Limbaugh’s prodigious ass, known for holding a wide assortment of facts, quotes and figures, is also home to an ever-present array of statistics. Normally blessed with ample girth and an excessively wide opening, the removal of facts and statistics from Limbaugh’s ass has never held any threat of injury until yesterday. Limbaugh was reaching into his ass to retrieve a statistic on the “bald face lie known as global warming.” when the accident occurred.

Unable to retrieve the statistic, Limabugh ignored the warnings from Mr. Snerdly and attempted to remove the statistic with both hands, causing him to slip and his head to become lodged in his own ass. He was last seen being wheeled into the hospital on a stretcher, double-chin deep and asking for a "couple of handfuls of Oxycontin" to ease the pain. The surgeon attending Limbaugh told reporters that it appears these statistics were unexpectedly caught on a swollen hemorrhoid and a half-digested corndog lodged in Limbaugh's colon.

Limbaugh’s lawyer told reporters that his client was doing fine, appreciated the many letters of support and should be out of the hospital in a matter of days. After grunting and reaching behind himself, the lawyer held up a paper and said that 87% of all radio-show personalities have "ass/statistic" problems, and that 98% of all liberals are spawned from the loins of Satan himself.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

How to Make a Million Dollars, The Chester Hatfield Way!

Are bills getting you down? Hate your job? Tired of eating Ramen noodles for breakfast? Well I've got some great news for you. I know a way to make tons of cash, fast and easy. I’m living proof. In fact, I took a shower today and dried myself off with a pile of $1000 bills. Why? Because I’m crazy… crazy with money!

What if I were to tell you that you can make a million dollars? It's true... and all you have to do is tell people that you know how to make a million dollars... You’re looking unconvinced. But trust me. It’s easy. Buy my book and DVD for $179.99, and learn my method and you’ll be sitting back on an undisclosed beach watching the money pour right in.

Why should you buy my DVD and book for the low, low price of $179.99? Because in it is a secret that no one wants you to know. Only I possess it, and I want to give it to you... for the low, low price of $179.99. All you need is the courage to take charge of your life and convince others that you know a secret way to make a million dollars.

You might be thinking, gee Chester, I don’t know a secret way to make a million dollars. That’s the beauty of my plan; you don’t have to know how to make a million dollars to make a million dollars!

This is what you’ll get for your money:
1. An instructional book to sell as your own, “How to Make A Million Dollars The _______ _______ Way!”
2. A pre-written ad for newspapers describing what you're offering. With exciting phrases like, "Are bills getting you down?", "Crazy with Money!" and "This is what you'll get for your money:"
3. An instructional video that teaches you where to find agreeable mindless models that will act like they love your product.
4. Tips on which maniacal greasy-hair look works best with what desperate gullible demographic.
5. Steps on how to look into the camera and act like your just about to achieve orgasm, yet still point to a yacht that you don’t even own!

I’m telling you folks, you’re missing out if you don’t act now. For just $179.99 you can change your life. Come on! Start Making Money the Chester Hatfield Way!

Friday, April 08, 2005

Ask Arnold - in progress

Dear Arnold,
My 12 year old is still using the bathroom in his pants. He’s embarrassed but seems unable to control himself. What should I do?
Concerned


Dear Concerned,
I'll tell you what worked for both of my boys when they shat themselves... Mockery. I named one "Shatbritches", the other "Stinkass" and that’s what I called them until they stopped with the drawers full of stink, which I believe was about the same time they moved out of the house. If mockery doesn’t help, duct tape their ass cheeks together.


Dear Arnold,
The doctor says that I might have to have a cesarean. I want to give birth at home, but because of the baby's position, they say I need to be in a hospital. I think they're wrong, I'm going to give birth naturally at home anyway. What do you think?
Determined


Dear Determine,
That’s the attitude. Don’t listen to those doctors, what the hell do they know anyway. You stay at home and squeeze that puppy out. This is all about you. Don’t let that baby stand in the way of your birthing experience. Sure the baby might come out a little damaged, but that feeling of being a complete woman will last a lifetime.


Dear Arnold,
We believe in "attachement parenting" where we are very responsive to the infant's physical and emotional needs. We were wondering about your thoughts on co-sleeping.
Susan


Dear Susan,
I don’t even know where to start. Did this come to you after you sucked on a bong, or did a crystal beam that nonsense into your head while you worshipped a tree? I guess they’ll be one more hippie baby in the world my great grandson’s gonna have to smack in the head.


Dear Arnold,
I’ve heard that you can’t spoil a newborn, is that true?
David


Dear David,
Kids are born spoiled... waaa I need food… waaa I need milk... waaa I need human contact. Life is hard, dirty, and sometimes in Da Kang you gotta leave your buddy lying in a pool of his own entrails to fight off the commie onslaught. Praying death will come fast and let you take some stinking pinkos out with you.


Dear Arnold,
When I gave birth to my daughter two months ago, I decided to stop working and stay home. Now I'm wondering if I made the right decision. It's a lot of work and I have no time for other pursuits. What should I do?
Sally


Dear Sally,
Well you really screwed up didn’t you? Let’s see.... make money and deal with adults… or …. wipe poo off the inside thigh of some screaming snot factory. With decision-making skills like that, you would have failed in business anyway.

Don't Do Drugs - By Brandy

I just want people to know that I think drugs are like so not cool, you know. They make you stupid and stuff, and only losers do them. I mean some drugs are good like Daddy's heart medicine or Momma’s brain pills, but some drugs are bad like marawana and heroine. They make you dumb and rob people and murder old ladies. Why would you want to murder old ladies?

I knew this girl once who got high on marajana and she had sex with 42 football players. 42! At once! That’s 39 more than I’ve ever done. Then she was all high and stuff and raped this poodle in my neighborhood and then ate it. She ate a poodle! The cops found her naked on the highway covered in poodle hair, saying she saw Jesus. Now she’s locked up in a mental institution all because she thought it was cool to smoke majawana. I mean do you want to have sex with 54 football players, eat a poodle and see Jesus? I don’t. That’s why I am never ever gonna smoke marawana ever again. Because I love poodles and Jesus.

So remember what do you say if someone offers you pot? You say, I don’t need drugs to be cool! Take your drugs elsewhere druggie man.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Vatican Researching Possibility of Robo-Pope

Working on right now. I know there's a funny picture to be made here. Just need to find the pieces. If anyone can think of funny stuff post it.

With the health of Pope John Paul keeping the Vatican in a state of concern, Vatican officials have turned to scientists in the area of robotics for possibilities of prolonging the Pope's life, or creating a Half-Pope/Half-Machine Cybernetic ChristianTron should the Lord attempt to call him home.

"We're exploring all avenues. We have the technology. We can rebuild him, make him better, stronger," a spokesman for the Vatican stated. "It might be expensive. It could be in upwards of an eight to Ten-Million-Dollar Pope."

Among the benefits of a Robo-Pope is that the Pope Mobile, which is expensive to maintain, would be uneeded as the new Pope would be bullet proof. "And fully armed," said Archbishop Gatzania. "Though he would only kill with the blessings of God, or if the attacker is a non-Christian."

Another feature is that the Pope's outer casing will come in a wide variety of colors. "From Crucifixion Red to Self-Loathing Brown, though we'll probably go with a nice glistening Papal Gold. It's really an eye-catcher."

"There's also been talk of a high-volume holy water discharging device to blast blessings onto crowds of people. He would be programmed to speak 450 languages, and would use Google to search through 53 versions of the holy bible. We're still deciding whether the Pope will be Windows or Linux based. There would also be a deactivate button in case he gets out of control, which is good, you know how he tends to ramble."

Another possibility is a jet pack that would allow the Pope to fly to distressed parts of world and convert heathens from a life of sin. Also, Robo-Pope's super-human strength would allow him to more sucessfully fight the evil Anti-Pope who's lair is just too far for the Pope to walk to right now.

"We think he could really become the enforcer of Christian law," commented Archbishop Gatzania. "If I got a visit from Robo-Pope at my house I would definitly think twice about using condoms and I would probably have to change my robe, if you know what I'm saying."

Monday, February 21, 2005

Dear Arnold

Arnold Crapacan is a Korean War veteran and a member of the Woodfin Lions Club.

Dear Arnold,
My wife is having twins in a couple of months and I’m worried about the amount of work taking care of two babies will require. What suggestions do you have?
Worried.


Dear Worried,
Don’t worry. They can take care of themselves. Twins have the ESP and talk to each other with their brains. One can send a telepathic message to the other saying, “My ass needs cleaning.” Throw a couple of diapers and wipes in the room, some food, and they'll be fine. Of course, you’ll need to find out which one is the evil twin and commence the ass-whoopin'.

Dear Arnold,
My little Ryan is turning 5 this week. Do you have some birthday celebration suggestions to liven up the birthday fun!
Excited.


Dear Excited,
Nothing gets a party going like corn liquor. Pour some of that in the little kneebiters' punch bowl, sit back and watch the fun. It will give little Ryan another birthday present: A life lesson about holding his liquor and not puking on his own birthday cake in front of the little red-haired girl he’s trying to impress. Of course, I’ve been learning that one for the last 70 odd years.

Dear Arnold,
When I gave birth to my daughter two months ago, I decided to stop working and stay home. Now I'm wondering if I made the right decision. It's a lot of work and I have no time for other pursuits. What should I do?
Sally


Dear Sally,
Well you really screwed up didn’t you? Let’s see.... make money and deal with adults… or …. wipe poo off the inside thigh of some screaming snot factory. You're screwed. Good luck.

Dear Arnold,
My son isn't athletic and the other boys make fun of him. It's hurting his self-esteem. I'm pushing him to try other interests. What's the best way to handle this?
Concerned.


Dear Concerned,
There's nothing wrong with your son pursuing other interests. If he's not good at sports, I'm sure he's good at other things. Has he tried sewing, knitting or doll making? Perhaps he knows what drapes best compliment your wall paper, or how to make a really pretty dress. There are lots of activities your limp-wristed, pansy-ass son could do with all the other girls.

Dear Arnold,
Our son is starting public school in a couple of years. What are some qualities that you look for when deciding what school your child should attend.
David


Dear David,
Sending your child to public school is a mistake. I didn't have a nut blown off in Da Kang so some long-haired hippie can teach my child we all come from monkeys. Home schooling is your best choice. That's how I was raised. My father taught me how our forefathers saved America from the invading Indians. How McCarthy got rid of all the communists before he ascended into heaven. Why hippies snort marijuana and love Satan. He taught me how to kill a man 32 different ways.. 34 if they're not American. Public school will do nothing but turn your child into a drug-licking, book-reading sex addict who loves monkeys and hates America.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

'ROO POO

Tazmanians live the dream of creating paper from Kangaroo poop.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/4266857.stm

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Am I a blogger?

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Monkey's learn to buy porn!

So like us...

http://www.livescience.com/animalworld/050128_monkey_business.html

Thursday, January 27, 2005

B-to-the-E

Anhauzer-Bush have officially lost their minds. This'll go on the alchohol wall-of-shame right next to "Cool Colt".
http://www.wral.com/food/4131508/detail.html?sidebar=ots

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Billy Sticks it to “The Man”, Gets Hurt Real Bad

Billy is now recuperating after successfully sticking it to “The Man”. It was quite a satisfying shaft to the entity that has been in fact holding him down. But now Billy lies in bed recuperating from the unforseen consequences of his actions.

“I had had enough.” Billy said. “The Man” has always held me down and it was time to stick it to him. So one day I just got up and did it. I stuck it to “The Man.” But then “The Man” stuck it back to me and I wasn’t prepared for that. They never mention that to you, when people say you need to stick it to “The Man”. It’s not fair really. Sticking should be one way, me to “The Man”, not the other way around. I’m going to talk to some one in authority about this, maybe “Them”. I bet “They” know what to do. Maybe “They” will help me stick it to “The Man” again. But what if “They” are “The Man”? Maybe I should forget “Them” and “The Man” and stick it to “The Powers That Be”? I hope they don’t hurt me."

Monday, January 24, 2005

Don't Forget The Arcade Fire is playing Thursday!!!!!

The Arcade Fire
Coming to The Orange Peel
Thursday January 27th

I thought about titling this something like "The Arcade Fire to Rage at The Orange Peel" or "Burning toward Asheville" until I remembered that I hate it when people do that cutesy Entertainment Weekly crap.
Thank God there's finally a new breed of musicians here to rescue indie rock from the tired pit of postured art rock gimmicks it was rapidly descending. Bands that create sincere music that doesn't wallow in emo self-pity. Since the release of their debut long player Funeral, Montreal's The Arcade Fire have been one of the most universally praised of those bands.
On first listen, the compelling nature of Funeral could easily pass you by. This is an album that's more rewarding with each passing listen. At first the theatrics and high drama might seem forced and cliche until the subdued intensity of songs "7 Kettles" finally overtake you and the actual intensity of songs like "Neighborhood #2 (Laika)" make it all the better.
Sometimes highly dramatic, sometimes overly sentimental yes, but if you read their bio there's actually a bit of personal tragedy being worked through on Funeral. At its core, the album is nothing revolutionary, merely a collection of 10 well constructed pop songs. But something about it seems to strike a chord (no pun intended) and makes you love it to death.

Go to The Arcade Fire's website right now. www.arcadefire.com

Thursday, January 20, 2005

New Dear Arnold Piece. Post for Suggestions. Still Working On.

Dear Arnold,
My one-year-old’s stool has been runny and very yellow. Is this a sign of something wrong?
Susan


Dear Susan
Jesus Mahatma Christ, do I write you asking if my corn-pocked ass brownie is a sign of something wrong? Is it too brown? too orange? too blue? It’s a turd, lady, Take it out with the trash or store it in a mason jar under the bed like I do.

Dear Arnold,
My child’s been asking me about sex. He’s only five. Should I attempt to I explain it to him.
Perplexed


Dear Perplexed,
Tell him the truth. Sex is a smelly affair with an over-weight asian hooker that leaves you broke and wondering if those three minutes would have been better spent in the latrine slapping the soldier to Cat Fancy Magazine.

Dear Arnold,
In your opinion, what’s the best kind of baby formula?
Sally


It just so happens my wife makes the best formula and is now selling her world famous Baby Boo Boo Goo. That’s copyrighted by the way. It’s 2 1/3 cups paper mache paste, 1 cup water, 2 cups Monosodium Glutamate, two pints corn liquor, table spoon of gun powder, a pinch of mustard and a little secret ingrediant I like to call Diaper Melt. Contact us and we'll send you a barrel.

Dear Arnold,
What are some ways to get my four-year-old child to sleep through the night.
Tired


Dear Tired,
Well lets see. There’s yelling at him. That’s good. Threats, intimidation and mocking work as well. But personally, I would tell him that you see a flesh eating monster under his bed and if he makes a sound it will come eat him. To keep him in bed, just tell him that if he tries to get off his bed the monster will grab his foot, drag him under the bed and eat him raw. Trust me, this story is a miracle worker. After tucking him in, pretend the monster's grabbed your leg and is trying to pull you under the bed. Give a good convincing scream. Then limp away saying, I’m getting the hell out of here.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Website of the morning

Preperation X is possibly the best newsprint indie zine that I have ever seen in NC. I regularly read it cover to cover between 1995 and 1998. My back issues are like treasured relics from college. Anyway, I just discovered that there is a web archive of some of their best stuff so go over there and waste some time. www.prepx.com

Sunday, January 16, 2005

The Anchor has Landed!!

What am I doing right now? I'm listening to my very own (or the paper's anyway) copy of the highly anticipated Hope & Anchor album "The Geography of Goodbyes". I've been wanting to hear it since it was recorded November before last but I didn't want to have to sit on it forever before reviewing it. We also didn't want to review it waaayyy too early like we did with the Night's Bright Colors album.
The CD release partay was at the Grey Eagle last night. I looked around for Jakey Jihad but he was nowhere to be found. What gives? Anyway, what a fun fun time. I'm gonna give this a few spins and give it a review which I'll prolly post further down in this thread. Cool? Cool.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Need Help to Make Funny

Thought I'd post this and take suggestions. Like for example, a title....


Yuppies have always longed for place to call home. Often mocked for their strange dress and awkward priorities, they have been flocking to Asheville in search of a place to call home and a few simple dreams: nature accessible by Landrover, to own a quirky but expensive art gallery, and a little million-dollar home, preferable with gated access and 360 views.

"The fun and creative people of Asheville have been very accepting to us here", says Cheyanne and Tyler Watson recent transplants to Asheville, "Too bad we're going to have to force them to leave."

The Watsons, who moved from St, Petersburg, Florida to open an art gallery that will feature Cheyanne's paper mache bird houses, have found that the concept of creativity and free thinking was better left as a concept.

"Yes," says Tyler. "Creativity, openess, and all that crap is nice, but seriously, why would anyone want to be a poet or a potter, when they can make a killing with real estate?"

"It was quite a shock," said Cheyanne. "I'm an artist myself. I was well known for the popsicle-stick birds I made every year for the DAR auction. I moved to Asheville for the art and creativity. Instead, what I found were people who don't dress like me. They don't have money. They think and say strange things, and they didn't vote for Bush. It's frightening. This "creativity" needs to go. It's just not what I'm accustomed too."

Cheyanne and Tyler have applauded the closing of Vincent's Ear, who's strange characters often shocked and scared Cheyanne as she sped down Lexington Ave. With it gone, the Watsons feel a little bit safer.

"I'm so excited," said Cheyanne, "I can just picture a downtown filled with Saks Fifth Ave, Gap, Borders... ooh and a Margaritaville bar. I just love margaritas with those little umbrellas. Jimmy Buffet, now that's what I call cutting edge art."

"It's progress," said Tyler. "The indians were weird. We got rid of them. The poor people were weird. We got rid of them. Now the weird people are weird, so it's time they take their blue hair, free-thinking ways, and move somewhere less beautiful. Soon, Asheville will have a population of people just like me and Cheyanne. Imagine what a great town it will be."

Thursday, January 13, 2005

My top albums of 2004. What are yours?

Dave's Top 10 Albums of the 2004
In no particular order

The Futureheads - The Futureheads
Iron & Wine - Our Endless Numbered Days
TV on the Radio - Desperate Youth, Bloodthirsty Babes
Night's Bright Colors - All The Happiness There is
Sufjan Stevens - Seven Swans
The Arcade Fire - Funeral
Joanna Newsome - The Milk-Eyed Mender
Descolada - Paradise Lost
Tom Waits - Real Gone
Manamid - Standard Candles

Close contenders
Aleuchatistas - The Same and The Other
The Magnetic Fields - i
Lambchop - Aw C'mon/No You C'mon


Hunksuckle roses and teddybear kisses.

Answer post

Wow. Ideas sure are loud.

Hi Ho

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Test Post

Check 1...2...3... Check... Can I have more bass in the mic. Thanks... Check...Check..1..2..3... Perfect.