Ask Arnold... in progress

Dear Arnold,
I have a tween who I believe is smoking. How do you suggest I handle it.
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
What the hell is a tween? Isn't that some kind of fish? Look, I don't know what you're smoking, but i'm not answering a question about a damn fish.

Dear Arnold,
My husband and I were caught having sex by my six-year-old son. It frightened him and I don’t know how to tactfully explain to him what we were doing. What do you suggest?
Embarrassed

Dear Embarrassed,
I was six years old myself when I walked in on my own parents. On the kitchen table were two moaning piles of sweaty fat rolls and double chins. I can still remember the horror of seeing my parents faces buried in a mound of flailing wrinkly limbs and jiggling thighs sloshing back and forth with every snorting spasm and wheezy grunt. Now imagine being six-years-old and realizing you were created from that unholy spectacle. That's why God invented door locks. Your son's just going to have to work through that one.

Dear Arnold,
My milk supply has been running low and I’m afraid my baby isn’t getting enough milk from my breast. What should I do?
Worried

Dear Worried,
Two words “Recombinant Bovine Somatotropin.” That’s fancy talk for cow growth hormone. Inject 300mg of that every three days and you'll be blowing your kid across the room.

Dear Arnold,
I have a 16-year-old daughter who has decided to be a vegetarian. The problem is I don't think she gets enough protein, and I'm worried abot her health. Should I let her continue?
Deloris

Dear Deloris,
If you don't eat meat, your humours get all unbalanced. Whenever our humours got off kilter, Grand Ma Ma thought would make us one of her medicinal bacon smoothies. Two-and-half pounds of bacon, fatback, butter, a chicken gizzard, thyme and some hog squeezin's. Blend until not so chunky.

Dear Arnold,
What are some alternatives to spanking. We really would not like to spank our child.
Randy

Dear Randy,
I agree, spanking is a pansy-ass way to raise a kid. My father had a much better way. He'd give me "The Look" followed by a series of back hands and would always say, "When we were conceiving you at that bus station, I should have rolled over and shot you into the wall." Then it was straight back to the basement. I turned out great, outside of that stint at Leavenworth.