I Ain't Scared of No Bird Flu

By Ralph Breakwind

I guess have to start this by saying I love chickens. And by that I mean I really really love chickens... if you know what I'm saying. Some folks have been coming up to me lately saying Ralph, you’ve got stop hanging out at that chicken coop. The bird flu’s going around, the neighbors are talking, and you smell like bird. You know what I tell them, don’t put your hang-ups on me man. Don’t hold me down with your closed minds.

Have you ever felt the sensation of a full-body peck when you accidentally rolled naked over a pile of chicken feed and just happen to stumble into coup. Have you ever had a chicken give you “that look” you know what I’m saying, that “I won’t say no” stare? Have you ever witnessed chicken on chicken action? If you had, then you’d understand. If not, take your hateful stares elsewhere you fascist.

Now everyone’s hatin’ on the birds because of this bird flu. Saying Ralph you’re going get some disease hanging out with those chickens. You’re going to mutate that chicken virus until it goes airborne. Give me a break. Sure, I get the occasional rash and open sores, but have you ever been in the throes of passionate love and had your partner lay an egg on your chest? Have you? Until you do, you just won’t get it.

So you don't scare me with your little flu story. Just keep your hating ways to yourself. Until you can open your mind to all kinds of love then you’ll live in a dark world where a man’s wife leaves him just because she finds a chicken straddling his face in bed. I can’t help that I’m so enticing to the fine hens. I’m all about spreading the love. So remember, once you go chicken, nothing else is lickin’. Okay I need to work on that, but you get the idea.