Spreading the Christmas Love

by Artimus Peeflower

You know. It might just be the pint of Georgia Moon speaking but I love this time of year. I just got back from slaughtering a tree for Jesus, decorating it with Christmas lights, and forcing my child to sit and watch the pre-programmed 8-mode light display. "Look boy," I tell him. "You see that flashing tree? It died for Jesus and Jesus died for you, so recognize!"

I put it in the window so my sorry-ass neighbors can see that I’m bringing the Christmas cheer to my house and that warms the cockles of my motherfucking heart. "So shut up boy," I tell him. "Sit down and respect the fucking tree."

I put up a nativity scene in front of my house. I got the plastic Jesus, the Mary, and the Joseph. I got sheep, lambs, three wise men, all that crap. My neighbor was looking at it when he was leaving his house and I wanted to spread the holiday cheer so I said, “That’s Jesus you fucking towel head. He puts the Christ in Christmas. Go to church sometime and you might learn something!” It's important to give back to the community like that.

Me and my buddies have a carolling group going. We go out and sing all the Christmas favorites. Jingles Bells, Rudolph, Hark the herald angles sing fa la la la la motherfucking la! There’s nothing better than ending a good night out drinking with your buddies than singing in front of somebody’s house at four in the morning. It’s like being awakened by angels.

I know there’s Channuka, Kwanza and all that crap. That’s cute and all, but nothing captures the message of Christmas like Christmas. I put a 25-foot tall crucifix on my front yard and wrapped it in blinking icicle lights. On top is Santa and his reindeer and a 32 million-watt light that shines down on my nativity scene like the eye of God. That’s what it’s all about really. Jesus, lights, dead trees, fat men in red suits breaking into your house, and brotherly love... not in that gay way though. So enjoy the holidays folks and respect the fucking tree!