Tiger Bear Wolf - S/T
(2005, Hello Sir Records)
I try my best to remain non-prjudicial about new bands. The one thing that can put a bad taste in my mouth before even popping the disk into my player though is the assertion by some boneheaded critic that a band is going to "save rock and roll". Rock is apparently a highly fragile damsel tied to the railroad tracks by a mustache twirling, top-hatted villain. The truth is that Rock and Roll doesn't need saving, never has. She's a shit-kicking hell raiser who can take care of herself. She just needs celebrating. If you're THAT concerned then start a damn preservation society or something. Its also interesting that none of those bands ever sound anything like Bill Haley and The Comets, instead they wallow in the bloated self indulgence that was killing rock in the mid-70's.
On their self-titled debut, Greensboro, NC's Tiger Bear Wolf actually have something new to bring to the table. When they say, "I'll take up my guitar cause I know one thing worth saving is rock and roll," there's a bit of cheekiness to the statement. They are the celebrators and not the self-proclaimed saviors. Don't take that to mean that they're the least bit ironic, when it comes to kicking out the jams they're serious. What they don't do is rest their laurels on emulating a specific rock sound for the sake of nostalgia.
What Tiger Bear Wolf does is incorporate the last thirty five odd years of rock history into their sound. There's the impetuous energy of The Stooges, the sloppy production and heavy riffage of The MC5, the braying bark of Fugazi's Ian MacKaye, the acrobatic guitaristry of Drive Like Jehu and the sophisticated innovation of Mission of Burma. One thing these guys aren't are posseurs. This album proves that sweaty energy ain't just for cock rockers anymore.
The bursts from your speakers sound so spontanious and primal that the complexity of the songs may pass you by on first listen. They don'y just grab you by the balls, they also grab you by the head. There's as much math as there is testosterone in Tiger Bear Wolf. With this release we've come closer to the day that mullets and mohawks can embrace in fellowship. I will never say that rock and roll needs to be saved, but I will admit that they've saved me from boredom and monotony.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Young Republicans, America Needs You Now!
by Barton Bushfield
Fellow Republicans, I write this because America is in crisis. The war in Iraq is dragging. The armed services can't meet their already-lowered recruitment goals. The president's competency is under attack by the Democrats, and polls show dwindling support for the war.
It's time Republicans started doing more than just talk about the war. That's why I'm supporting Operation Yellow Elephant. This operation’s goal is to get all young Republicans, particularly those in college, who voted for George Bush and who support the war to join the armed services today!
I don't understand how any healthy young Republican can be attending college while America is under attack. You can't spread democracy by taking an English exam.
So this is what Operation Yellow Elephant asks of you: Bush voters, war supporters — put your ass where your mouth is. Put up or shut up. Stop what you're doing and enlist right now! I know you've purposefully kept those Army positions vacant so the poor minorities in this country have a way to pay for college, and that's admirable of you, but now it's time to fill the empty ranks with good ol' all-American Republicans!
Operation Yellow Elephant is helping the Army reach its recruiting goals. We've asked the College Republican National Committee to put recruiting banner's on their website and brochures. So far they have refused. I ask my fellow Republicans, how can the American people be expected to support a war if the supporters themselves refuse to fight? That's why I implore all young Republicans in college to enlist today. Support war, support your president!
But we must do more than join the Army, Navy or Marines. We must convince other war supporters to do their share as well. Therefore, I ask you to call the College Republican National Committee at (888) 765-3564 and tell them to put an Army recruiting banner on their site and to enlist as well. Call the organizers of the Young Republicans National Convention at 775-741-4430. Tell them it’s time their members put their lives on the line for George W. Visit your local college and ask the members of any Republican club to put down the books and pick up a rifle. Do it for America!
Visit www.militarygi.com to enlist and check out our Operations Homepage at http://patriotboy.blogspot.com to learn more. Come on Republicans. Let's go kick some ass!
Fellow Republicans, I write this because America is in crisis. The war in Iraq is dragging. The armed services can't meet their already-lowered recruitment goals. The president's competency is under attack by the Democrats, and polls show dwindling support for the war.It's time Republicans started doing more than just talk about the war. That's why I'm supporting Operation Yellow Elephant. This operation’s goal is to get all young Republicans, particularly those in college, who voted for George Bush and who support the war to join the armed services today!
I don't understand how any healthy young Republican can be attending college while America is under attack. You can't spread democracy by taking an English exam.
So this is what Operation Yellow Elephant asks of you: Bush voters, war supporters — put your ass where your mouth is. Put up or shut up. Stop what you're doing and enlist right now! I know you've purposefully kept those Army positions vacant so the poor minorities in this country have a way to pay for college, and that's admirable of you, but now it's time to fill the empty ranks with good ol' all-American Republicans!
Operation Yellow Elephant is helping the Army reach its recruiting goals. We've asked the College Republican National Committee to put recruiting banner's on their website and brochures. So far they have refused. I ask my fellow Republicans, how can the American people be expected to support a war if the supporters themselves refuse to fight? That's why I implore all young Republicans in college to enlist today. Support war, support your president!
But we must do more than join the Army, Navy or Marines. We must convince other war supporters to do their share as well. Therefore, I ask you to call the College Republican National Committee at (888) 765-3564 and tell them to put an Army recruiting banner on their site and to enlist as well. Call the organizers of the Young Republicans National Convention at 775-741-4430. Tell them it’s time their members put their lives on the line for George W. Visit your local college and ask the members of any Republican club to put down the books and pick up a rifle. Do it for America!
Visit www.militarygi.com to enlist and check out our Operations Homepage at http://patriotboy.blogspot.com to learn more. Come on Republicans. Let's go kick some ass!
Monday, June 20, 2005
Ask Arnold... in progress
Dear Arnold,
I have a tween who I believe is smoking. How do you suggest I handle it.
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
What the hell is a tween? Isn't that some kind of fish? Look, I don't know what you're smoking, but i'm not answering a question about a damn fish.
Dear Arnold,
My husband and I were caught having sex by my six-year-old son. It frightened him and I don’t know how to tactfully explain to him what we were doing. What do you suggest?
Embarrassed
Dear Embarrassed,
I was six years old myself when I walked in on my own parents. On the kitchen table were two moaning piles of sweaty fat rolls and double chins. I can still remember the horror of seeing my parents faces buried in a mound of flailing wrinkly limbs and jiggling thighs sloshing back and forth with every snorting spasm and wheezy grunt. Now imagine being six-years-old and realizing you were created from that unholy spectacle. That's why God invented door locks. Your son's just going to have to work through that one.
Dear Arnold,
My milk supply has been running low and I’m afraid my baby isn’t getting enough milk from my breast. What should I do?
Worried
Dear Worried,
Two words “Recombinant Bovine Somatotropin.” That’s fancy talk for cow growth hormone. Inject 300mg of that every three days and you'll be blowing your kid across the room.
Dear Arnold,
I have a 16-year-old daughter who has decided to be a vegetarian. The problem is I don't think she gets enough protein, and I'm worried abot her health. Should I let her continue?
Deloris
Dear Deloris,
If you don't eat meat, your humours get all unbalanced. Whenever our humours got off kilter, Grand Ma Ma thought would make us one of her medicinal bacon smoothies. Two-and-half pounds of bacon, fatback, butter, a chicken gizzard, thyme and some hog squeezin's. Blend until not so chunky.
Dear Arnold,
What are some alternatives to spanking. We really would not like to spank our child.
Randy
Dear Randy,
I agree, spanking is a pansy-ass way to raise a kid. My father had a much better way. He'd give me "The Look" followed by a series of back hands and would always say, "When we were conceiving you at that bus station, I should have rolled over and shot you into the wall." Then it was straight back to the basement. I turned out great, outside of that stint at Leavenworth.
I have a tween who I believe is smoking. How do you suggest I handle it.
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
What the hell is a tween? Isn't that some kind of fish? Look, I don't know what you're smoking, but i'm not answering a question about a damn fish.
Dear Arnold,
My husband and I were caught having sex by my six-year-old son. It frightened him and I don’t know how to tactfully explain to him what we were doing. What do you suggest?
Embarrassed
Dear Embarrassed,
I was six years old myself when I walked in on my own parents. On the kitchen table were two moaning piles of sweaty fat rolls and double chins. I can still remember the horror of seeing my parents faces buried in a mound of flailing wrinkly limbs and jiggling thighs sloshing back and forth with every snorting spasm and wheezy grunt. Now imagine being six-years-old and realizing you were created from that unholy spectacle. That's why God invented door locks. Your son's just going to have to work through that one.
Dear Arnold,
My milk supply has been running low and I’m afraid my baby isn’t getting enough milk from my breast. What should I do?
Worried
Dear Worried,
Two words “Recombinant Bovine Somatotropin.” That’s fancy talk for cow growth hormone. Inject 300mg of that every three days and you'll be blowing your kid across the room.
Dear Arnold,
I have a 16-year-old daughter who has decided to be a vegetarian. The problem is I don't think she gets enough protein, and I'm worried abot her health. Should I let her continue?
Deloris
Dear Deloris,
If you don't eat meat, your humours get all unbalanced. Whenever our humours got off kilter, Grand Ma Ma thought would make us one of her medicinal bacon smoothies. Two-and-half pounds of bacon, fatback, butter, a chicken gizzard, thyme and some hog squeezin's. Blend until not so chunky.
Dear Arnold,
What are some alternatives to spanking. We really would not like to spank our child.
Randy
Dear Randy,
I agree, spanking is a pansy-ass way to raise a kid. My father had a much better way. He'd give me "The Look" followed by a series of back hands and would always say, "When we were conceiving you at that bus station, I should have rolled over and shot you into the wall." Then it was straight back to the basement. I turned out great, outside of that stint at Leavenworth.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Insurgent Car Bombers Hold First Annual “Pimped Out Ride” Contest
by Rusty McWackin
Downtown Baghdad was bustling today at the First Annual Baghdad Car Bomber “Pimped Out Ride” Contest. Among the shouts of “Death to America” and “Allah is great”, were oohs and awes as car bombers from all over Iraq viewed each other's tricked-out vehicles and shared secrets on the latest explosive concealing techniques.
One participant, Akmed, an American-hating Saudi Arabian who drives a "totally pimped-out" Ford Escort had a crowd gathered around him. They wanted to learn the secrets of his rust-colored, four-cylinder, two-seater with bald tires and shot brakes.
“Yo this car is da bomb!” says Akmed, excitedly popping the rear window for his Al Qaeda buddies, “Check it out. I’ve got C-4 packed in the back. I've got it in my mags. I’ve got screws and bolts jammed in the frame for that extra zing zing… you know what I’m saying. I’ve got exploding doors. I’ve got 20 under the hood (20 lbs of dynamite). My gear shift is filled with nitroglycerin and my pine tree air freshener is made of gun powder. The driver's seat is soaked in gasoline. And check this out…” Akmed pulls back his shirt to reveal a suicide vest. The crowd cheers. “I’m riding this baby to my 100 virgins in the sky… beyatch… after I blow up some people waiting in line for food… Praise Allah.”
There were more than just cars at the Baghdad contest. Some insurgents drove in on modified three-wheelers with shoulder-fired rockets, mopeds with flame throwers, even a bicycle with fireworks duct taped to the frame. “I’m poor,” said the bike rider,” but we’re such a close knit group. I wanted to show support.” He was later given a stick of dynamite to put on his handlebar horn by a sympathetic insurgent. “You see what I mean“, he said choking back tears, “these guys are the best.”
The event was relatively peaceful, with a few mishaps The slamming of car doors, the occasional smoker, or someone standing near a car caused some insurgents to prematurely martyr themselves, but everyone agrees, it was all in the name of good fun.
The winner was an insurgent from Kirkuk whose tricked-out Volkswagen Beetle held enough power to level a downtown block. He was awarded the “Praise Allah, Death to America” award, which was a bronzed stick of C-4 that accidentally exploded when he raised it above his head in celebration.
After a nice meal and the shouting of “Death to American Pig Dogs”, they all left to test the pimpness of their explosive rides on unsuspecting women and children around the city.
Downtown Baghdad was bustling today at the First Annual Baghdad Car Bomber “Pimped Out Ride” Contest. Among the shouts of “Death to America” and “Allah is great”, were oohs and awes as car bombers from all over Iraq viewed each other's tricked-out vehicles and shared secrets on the latest explosive concealing techniques. One participant, Akmed, an American-hating Saudi Arabian who drives a "totally pimped-out" Ford Escort had a crowd gathered around him. They wanted to learn the secrets of his rust-colored, four-cylinder, two-seater with bald tires and shot brakes.
“Yo this car is da bomb!” says Akmed, excitedly popping the rear window for his Al Qaeda buddies, “Check it out. I’ve got C-4 packed in the back. I've got it in my mags. I’ve got screws and bolts jammed in the frame for that extra zing zing… you know what I’m saying. I’ve got exploding doors. I’ve got 20 under the hood (20 lbs of dynamite). My gear shift is filled with nitroglycerin and my pine tree air freshener is made of gun powder. The driver's seat is soaked in gasoline. And check this out…” Akmed pulls back his shirt to reveal a suicide vest. The crowd cheers. “I’m riding this baby to my 100 virgins in the sky… beyatch… after I blow up some people waiting in line for food… Praise Allah.”
There were more than just cars at the Baghdad contest. Some insurgents drove in on modified three-wheelers with shoulder-fired rockets, mopeds with flame throwers, even a bicycle with fireworks duct taped to the frame. “I’m poor,” said the bike rider,” but we’re such a close knit group. I wanted to show support.” He was later given a stick of dynamite to put on his handlebar horn by a sympathetic insurgent. “You see what I mean“, he said choking back tears, “these guys are the best.”
The event was relatively peaceful, with a few mishaps The slamming of car doors, the occasional smoker, or someone standing near a car caused some insurgents to prematurely martyr themselves, but everyone agrees, it was all in the name of good fun.
The winner was an insurgent from Kirkuk whose tricked-out Volkswagen Beetle held enough power to level a downtown block. He was awarded the “Praise Allah, Death to America” award, which was a bronzed stick of C-4 that accidentally exploded when he raised it above his head in celebration.
After a nice meal and the shouting of “Death to American Pig Dogs”, they all left to test the pimpness of their explosive rides on unsuspecting women and children around the city.
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