Dear Arnold,
My 12 year old is still using the bathroom in his pants. He’s embarrassed but seems unable to control himself. What should I do?
Concerned
Dear Concerned,
I'll tell you what worked for both of my boys when they shat themselves... Mockery. I named one "Shatbritches", the other "Stinkass" and that’s what I called them until they stopped with the drawers full of stink, which I believe was about the same time they moved out of the house. If mockery doesn’t help, duct tape their ass cheeks together.
Dear Arnold,
The doctor says that I might have to have a cesarean. I want to give birth at home, but because of the baby's position, they say I need to be in a hospital. I think they're wrong, I'm going to give birth naturally at home anyway. What do you think?
Determined
Dear Determine,
That’s the attitude. Don’t listen to those doctors, what the hell do they know anyway. You stay at home and squeeze that puppy out. This is all about you. Don’t let that baby stand in the way of your birthing experience. Sure the baby might come out a little damaged, but that feeling of being a complete woman will last a lifetime.
Dear Arnold,
We believe in "attachement parenting" where we are very responsive to the infant's physical and emotional needs. We were wondering about your thoughts on co-sleeping.
Susan
Dear Susan,
I don’t even know where to start. Did this come to you after you sucked on a bong, or did a crystal beam that nonsense into your head while you worshipped a tree? I guess they’ll be one more hippie baby in the world my great grandson’s gonna have to smack in the head.
Dear Arnold,
I’ve heard that you can’t spoil a newborn, is that true?
David
Dear David,
Kids are born spoiled... waaa I need food… waaa I need milk... waaa I need human contact. Life is hard, dirty, and sometimes in Da Kang you gotta leave your buddy lying in a pool of his own entrails to fight off the commie onslaught. Praying death will come fast and let you take some stinking pinkos out with you.
Dear Arnold,
When I gave birth to my daughter two months ago, I decided to stop working and stay home. Now I'm wondering if I made the right decision. It's a lot of work and I have no time for other pursuits. What should I do?
Sally
Dear Sally,
Well you really screwed up didn’t you? Let’s see.... make money and deal with adults… or …. wipe poo off the inside thigh of some screaming snot factory. With decision-making skills like that, you would have failed in business anyway.
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6 comments:
Dear Arnold,
I have two jugs but just one baby. Is it acceptable to breast feed my 3 year old tan and white beagle? He's really thirsty!
Mary Milksaks
Dear Mary,
You can breastfeed a rabid chipmunk for all I care. Flop that wrinkled hairy low-hanging milk sack at anything you want. My advice, slap some peanut butter on your nipple. Peanut butter really makes a dog lick right where you want them to. A little trick I learned on those lonely winter nights in Da Kang.
Dear Arnold,
Dan Brown says that the Woodfin Lion's Club is actually a front for the illuminati. How do you like them apples?
Gar Gelmesack
They are a bunch of commie, liberal bark-smoking apples coming from a patchoulie-loving America-hating facist! If I ever find where you live, me, Scratchy, Fred, One-Eye arnd all the gang at the Lion's Club are gonna have ourselves a hippie smack-down!
Dear Arnold,
At what age should we teach our daughter the birds and the bees? Any tips you have on how to broach this sensitive subject are also appreciated.
Warm Regards,
Nervous Parent
Why the hell do you want to teach your daughter about sex? All she's gonna do is go down to the trailer park and hop on what ever drunk redneck she finds, give birth to some mellon-headed mongoloid and ask you for money. Tell her she came from an egg, you found her at the mall, or her mom farted her out after a bad mexican meal, but for God's sake don't teach your daughter how to have sex. Are you an idiot?
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