Ask Arnold

Dear Arnold,
My three-month-old really hates to take a bath. She cries and flails around and it’s difficult to bathe her. Do you have any suggestions?
Concerned

Dear Concerned,
Hose her down in the back yard. The farther you step back the less you’ll hear her cry. You could probably stand a good 20 feet away if you put a good arc on it. Grab a beer when your finished. By the time your done with that, she should be dry. A great timesaver tip is to put her on your car and wash both at the same time. If you use a liquid wax, she’ll have a beautiful shine.


Dear Arnold,
Is breast milk really that much better than formula for your infant?
Sally

Dear Sally,
I tell you, milk coming out of a person’s chest just ain’t natural. Next thing you know people are gonna want diapers to grow out of womens' heads. My mother didn't believe in either one. Her baby feeding rule was, “Big enough to touch your feet, old enough to eat red meat”. My advice, see if your baby can grab its feet. If it can, dump milk and formula and go straight to beef.


Dear Arnold,
We really believe in baby massage. We feel that it enhances our emotional bonds with our child. Do you have any suggestions of a type of oil that is best for massaging a little baby?
Susan

Dear Susan,
Let me get this straight; you massage your baby? Massages are for strained muscles and the occasional happy ending. Sounds like a bunch of hippie horse crap to me. But as far as a good oil, Valvoline 10w-30 has a multi-viscosity formula that should last a good 5,000 miles depending on use. WD-40 is good too and it’s got that little red straw for those hard to reach places.


Dear Arnold,
My wife gave birth last week and I wondered if you had any advice on my transition to fatherhood and how I can become more involved?
Rick

Dear Rick,
From what I gather your job is done. Your got her knocked up, congratulations. Now go back to work.


Dear Arnold,
Are there any sexual positions that would increase my chances for conceiving?
Veronica

Dear Veronica,
You mean like doing it with the lights on? I don't know what you perverts are asking, but there's only one position sanctioned by the Bible as the way God intended for his flock to procreate; it's called the "Reverse Two-Legged Stump Mule", and so far I've only injured myself and three other people in all my years of doing it. Thanks to the Mule I've got four kids and a couple more that I think are mine.