Bush Vows To Militarily Engage Next Hurricane

With the unveiling of "Operation Soaring Eagle", President Bush announced new plans to counter the continuing threat of hurricanes. "Hurricanes are a growing threat to our national security," the president said, "and I see no other option than to attack them with the full force of the American military."

"Our intelligence has spotted a hurricane 'factory' off the African coast. We have informed Africa that if it does not stop forming hurricanes we will be forced to invade and liberate its people. Any country known to harbor or help in the formation of hurricanes will be considered an enemy to the American people."

The U.S. has already secretly been performing "Operation Head Against Wall" which entails B-52 bombing runs against developing tropical depressions. Though the effects have been minimal, the Bush administration has been undeterred. "Now is not the time to question the effectiveness of bombing a tropical depression or strafing a storm surge," said the president. "That only embolderens the hurricanes. We must be decisive and stand as one."

"I think the hurricane threat is in its last throes," said Vice President Cheney. "They are withering under the intense pressure from our military. I see all hurricanes being defeated by 2009."

The operation calls for troops to line the entire Gulf coast and to engage the storm surge and heavy winds with "extreme prejudice." Shoulder-fired weapons, Abrams tanks, machine guns will all be used as well as attack aircraft and Apache helicopters. "I don't care how big that storm surge thinks it is," says Tim Ballows, a private with the Alabama National Guard which is stationed on the beaches of Mobile, Alabama. "After I pump a few rounds into it, it'll think twice about messing with America."

The price tag of the operation has been put around 800 billion dollars with many contracts going to Halliburton and other agencies already in use in Iraq. "I don’t think we can put a price tag on freedom," the president said about the high cost of the operation. "I'll let the accountants worry about that. My job is to kick ass and take names. That's exactly what Operation Soaring Eagle is all about."