Ask Arnold...in progress

Dear Arnold,
My 16-year-old is impossible to wake up for school and is constantly late. What suggestions do you have for getting him out of bed?
David

Dear David,
That’s nothing that a slab of red meat and a hungry rottweiler couldn’t fix.

Dear Arnold,
What's a good way to monitor your teen's romantic relationships?
Worried

Dear Worried,
This is what I did for my daughter and what I suggest you do for yours. Go to her school, barge into her class, hand her a medicine bottle and tell her very loudly that she forgot to take her herpes pills this morning. Once that little rumor gets around school, you shoudn't have anymore romantic relationships to monitor.

Dear Arnold,
Our three-year-old still uses a pacifier. We’re worried about it reshaping his mouth or causing a speech impediment. What do you suggest?
Maria

Dear Maria,
When I was a child we didn't have your fancy pacifiers. Me and my brothers sucked on an old boot. My teeth took the shape of a size-twelve army issue. At five I replaced the boot with a pack-a-day smoking habit, so that’s what I would suggest. Kids like the menthols. They also help get the taste of boot out of your mouth.

Dear Arnold,
My nipple hurts when I breastfeed. I think I might have mastitis? Do you know of a remedy for this?
Gertrude

Dear Gertrude,
Good lord woman. What the hell is Mastitis? Your nipple hurts because you got a rugrat gnawing on it eight times a day. Put that thing away and give your child something better like an old boot.

Dear Arnold,
My husband and I have been wondering. Is it safe for your partner to taste your breast milk?
Brandy

Dear Brandy,
Jesus Finklestein Christ! What the hell is it with you people and breast milk? You’re a bunch of preverts that what you are. If God intended for us to drink from a breast they'd come with straws. Breasts are for jiggling, squeezing and holding dollar bills. Now enough with this breast milk nonsense.

Dear Arnold,
Do you have any suggestion of what I should do if my child were to ingest poison.
Stan

Dear Stan,
First, tell them that there’s a good chance they may die and that they need to make things right with the lord. Then start smacking them in the head. This gets their humours flowing faster and scares the poison out of the blood. If that doesn’t work, pour honey on their head, this lures the poison out where you can smack it with a tire iron.