How to Make a Million Dollars, The Chester Hatfield Way!

Are bills getting you down? Hate your job? Tired of eating Ramen noodles for breakfast? Well I've got some great news for you. I know a way to make tons of cash, fast and easy. I’m living proof. In fact, I took a shower today and dried myself off with a pile of $1000 bills. Why? Because I’m crazy… crazy with money!

What if I were to tell you that you can make a million dollars? It's true... and all you have to do is tell people that you know how to make a million dollars... You’re looking unconvinced. But trust me. It’s easy. Buy my book and DVD for $179.99, and learn my method and you’ll be sitting back on an undisclosed beach watching the money pour right in.

Why should you buy my DVD and book for the low, low price of $179.99? Because in it is a secret that no one wants you to know. Only I possess it, and I want to give it to you... for the low, low price of $179.99. All you need is the courage to take charge of your life and convince others that you know a secret way to make a million dollars.

You might be thinking, gee Chester, I don’t know a secret way to make a million dollars. That’s the beauty of my plan; you don’t have to know how to make a million dollars to make a million dollars!

This is what you’ll get for your money:
1. An instructional book to sell as your own, “How to Make A Million Dollars The _______ _______ Way!”
2. A pre-written ad for newspapers describing what you're offering. With exciting phrases like, "Are bills getting you down?", "Crazy with Money!" and "This is what you'll get for your money:"
3. An instructional video that teaches you where to find agreeable mindless models that will act like they love your product.
4. Tips on which maniacal greasy-hair look works best with what desperate gullible demographic.
5. Steps on how to look into the camera and act like your just about to achieve orgasm, yet still point to a yacht that you don’t even own!

I’m telling you folks, you’re missing out if you don’t act now. For just $179.99 you can change your life. Come on! Start Making Money the Chester Hatfield Way!

Ask Arnold - in progress

Dear Arnold,
My 12 year old is still using the bathroom in his pants. He’s embarrassed but seems unable to control himself. What should I do?
Concerned

Dear Concerned,
I'll tell you what worked for both of my boys when they shat themselves... Mockery. I named one "Shatbritches", the other "Stinkass" and that’s what I called them until they stopped with the drawers full of stink, which I believe was about the same time they moved out of the house. If mockery doesn’t help, duct tape their ass cheeks together.


Dear Arnold,
The doctor says that I might have to have a cesarean. I want to give birth at home, but because of the baby's position, they say I need to be in a hospital. I think they're wrong, I'm going to give birth naturally at home anyway. What do you think?
Determined

Dear Determine,
That’s the attitude. Don’t listen to those doctors, what the hell do they know anyway. You stay at home and squeeze that puppy out. This is all about you. Don’t let that baby stand in the way of your birthing experience. Sure the baby might come out a little damaged, but that feeling of being a complete woman will last a lifetime.


Dear Arnold,
We believe in "attachement parenting" where we are very responsive to the infant's physical and emotional needs. We were wondering about your thoughts on co-sleeping.
Susan

Dear Susan,
I don’t even know where to start. Did this come to you after you sucked on a bong, or did a crystal beam that nonsense into your head while you worshipped a tree? I guess they’ll be one more hippie baby in the world my great grandson’s gonna have to smack in the head.


Dear Arnold,
I’ve heard that you can’t spoil a newborn, is that true?
David

Dear David,
Kids are born spoiled... waaa I need food… waaa I need milk... waaa I need human contact. Life is hard, dirty, and sometimes in Da Kang you gotta leave your buddy lying in a pool of his own entrails to fight off the commie onslaught. Praying death will come fast and let you take some stinking pinkos out with you.


Dear Arnold,
When I gave birth to my daughter two months ago, I decided to stop working and stay home. Now I'm wondering if I made the right decision. It's a lot of work and I have no time for other pursuits. What should I do?
Sally

Dear Sally,
Well you really screwed up didn’t you? Let’s see.... make money and deal with adults… or …. wipe poo off the inside thigh of some screaming snot factory. With decision-making skills like that, you would have failed in business anyway.

Don't Do Drugs - By Brandy

I just want people to know that I think drugs are like so not cool, you know. They make you stupid and stuff, and only losers do them. I mean some drugs are good like Daddy's heart medicine or Momma’s brain pills, but some drugs are bad like marawana and heroine. They make you dumb and rob people and murder old ladies. Why would you want to murder old ladies?

I knew this girl once who got high on marajana and she had sex with 42 football players. 42! At once! That’s 39 more than I’ve ever done. Then she was all high and stuff and raped this poodle in my neighborhood and then ate it. She ate a poodle! The cops found her naked on the highway covered in poodle hair, saying she saw Jesus. Now she’s locked up in a mental institution all because she thought it was cool to smoke majawana. I mean do you want to have sex with 54 football players, eat a poodle and see Jesus? I don’t. That’s why I am never ever gonna smoke marawana ever again. Because I love poodles and Jesus.

So remember what do you say if someone offers you pot? You say, I don’t need drugs to be cool! Take your drugs elsewhere druggie man.