New Dear Arnold Piece. Post for Suggestions. Still Working On.

Dear Arnold,
My one-year-old’s stool has been runny and very yellow. Is this a sign of something wrong?
Susan

Dear Susan
Jesus Mahatma Christ, do I write you asking if my corn-pocked ass brownie is a sign of something wrong? Is it too brown? too orange? too blue? It’s a turd, lady, Take it out with the trash or store it in a mason jar under the bed like I do.

Dear Arnold,
My child’s been asking me about sex. He’s only five. Should I attempt to I explain it to him.
Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,
Tell him the truth. Sex is a smelly affair with an over-weight asian hooker that leaves you broke and wondering if those three minutes would have been better spent in the latrine slapping the soldier to Cat Fancy Magazine.

Dear Arnold,
In your opinion, what’s the best kind of baby formula?
Sally

It just so happens my wife makes the best formula and is now selling her world famous Baby Boo Boo Goo. That’s copyrighted by the way. It’s 2 1/3 cups paper mache paste, 1 cup water, 2 cups Monosodium Glutamate, two pints corn liquor, table spoon of gun powder, a pinch of mustard and a little secret ingrediant I like to call Diaper Melt. Contact us and we'll send you a barrel.

Dear Arnold,
What are some ways to get my four-year-old child to sleep through the night.
Tired

Dear Tired,
Well lets see. There’s yelling at him. That’s good. Threats, intimidation and mocking work as well. But personally, I would tell him that you see a flesh eating monster under his bed and if he makes a sound it will come eat him. To keep him in bed, just tell him that if he tries to get off his bed the monster will grab his foot, drag him under the bed and eat him raw. Trust me, this story is a miracle worker. After tucking him in, pretend the monster's grabbed your leg and is trying to pull you under the bed. Give a good convincing scream. Then limp away saying, I’m getting the hell out of here.