Album Review: Cinemechanica - The Martial Arts

Cinemechanica - The Martial Arts
(2006, Hello Sir Records)

Much like Nashville, our friends to the south in Athens, Ga have been busy adding a new chapter to their town's already rich musical history. In the last year bands like Ham1 and Untied States have chipped away at the musical preconceptions most listeners have about Athens. A major player in the current musical scenery is Hello Sir Records, the owners of which perform in one of the labels finest bands, Cinemechanica.
I was wondering when the first of the summertime-road trip albums would get here. The ones you pop in on a long distance drive with friends exclaiming, "Holy Shit! You HAVE hear this!" Then Cinemechanica's debut, The Martial Arts, came along and I stopped wondering.
Embodying a veritable avalanche of energetic riffs and intense rhythms, Cinemechanica are usually filed into genres with the prefix "post". Dueling guitars intertwine, race along together and then unexpectedly diverge summoning order from chaos and then nimbly diving back into chaos. The guitars may be the stars of the show here but the rhythm section is there to underline and punctuate every step of the way. The drums produce a controlled frenzy of snare and cymbal that never drowns out the prominently powerful bass. As for the vocals, they are of the screamin', yellin', make my throat hurt if I try to sing along variety.
The running time may seem brief clocking in at just over 31 minutes, but there is so much energy exuberated in that time that you may need a nap afterward. Every second of The Martial Arts demands your attention. Every riff and abrupt change wants to be the one you remember. These are songs for folks who like their riffs to come fast and furious and seldom pause for a breath.
Cinemechanica's frantic gutar work and masterful execution of complex time changes often invites comparisons to bands like Drive Like Jehu, Q and Not U, Faraquet and Don Caballero. I'll leave the genre classification to you people, just know that Cinemechanica is loud, fast, complex and will kick your indie/emo ass. Also they have given us THE guitar album of summer 2006. So far at least.

Mt. Egypt and Band of Horses at the Grey Eagle tonight, June 19

Hey all you hep cats. Don't forget that there's a damn good show at The Grey Eagle tonight (June 19th) with....

...Mt. Egypt

"Travis Graves is the singer/songwriter/frontman/forest ranger for Mt. Egypt, a band of honesty, sensitivity, romance and greatness that nods its musical head in the direction of The Flaming Lips, Willie Nelson, The Walkmen, Cat Power, Will Oldham, James Mercer, Neil Young and Leonard Cohen."

..and Band of Horses

"Guitarist/vocalist Ben Bridwell and guitarist Mat Brooke formed Band of Horses in 2004, after the dissolution of their nearly ten-year run in northwest melancholic darlings Carissa's Wierd. Carissa's Wierd trafficked in sadly beautiful orchestral pop, whose songs told unflinching stories of heartbreak and loss, leavened with defeatist humor. And, Band of Horses rises from the ashes of that well-loved and short-lived band. After playing music with each other for over a decade, Bridwell and Brooke picked up together again when Bridwell began fleshing out his compositions post-Carissa's. "It was really just a natural thing we started doing," explains Bridwell. Buoyed by Bridwell's warm, reverb-heavy vocals (which strangely channel a dichotomous blend of Wayne Coyne, Brian Wilson and Doug Martsch,) Band of Horses' woodsy, dreamy songs ooze with amorphous tension, longing and hope."

New Al Qaeda Head Deemed to Have Sufficient “Crazy-Eyes” to Run Organization.

Asheville Disclaimer News - June 15, 2006: 2:17 PM EDT- Days after the death of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Al Qaeda in Iraq issued a press release announcing its new leader Egyptian-born Abu Ayyub al-Masri. Members of Al Qaeda are very excited, but are wondering if he will maintain their current sick-day policy or get rid of Hawaiian burqa Fridays.

“Regardless of his leadership skills," said an al Qaeda spokesman, "we felt he had mastered the crazy eye needed to be a great al Qaeda leader. Leadership skills are great, but when you’re cutting the head off a hostage on TV, it’s really about the look. Even more than that, it’s about that “crazy eye” look. We think he’s nailed it.”

In a press release by al-Masri himself, he said that his past beheading experience, his many terrorist workshops, and his BA in Infidel Destruction and The Explosive Arts lets him bring to the table a cache of valuable work experience, not to mention a face full of “crazy eye”.

“I look forward to bringing al Qaeda in Iraq into the new millennium. I see our beheading output tripling. I see many new things exploding. It’s really an exciting time to be in Iraq. I look forward to the short time I have left before I’m martyred by a large American bomb. ”

Album Review; About - Bongo

About - Bongo
(2006, Cock Rock Disco)

A glance at the cover of Bongo would indicate that it is maybe the product of a rap/rock outfit from your local high school. That assumption is not the least bit accurate by the way. Those poorly drawn animal heads pasted on heroin chic bodies merely represent the cut & paste, deconstructionist nature of the album in question.
About is not a band but in fact a studio and stage project by Amsterdam's own Rutger Hoedemaekers. The album Bongo is the result of three years and several collapsed lungs worth of work.
High energy, creative and catchy to the extreme, Hoedemakers rearranges samples and snippets of collected sounds and lays them next to his own recorded material for an eclectic, indie/electro fun fest. About comes across as playfully disjointed with the starts and stops and the hopping of genres between tracks. That incongruity never really disrupts the pop aesthetic of each individual song however. Trendy as the style is, I can't deny that Bongo is as anjoyable as anything the genre has to offer.
The caveat emptor on this one is that the album comes with a mere 32 minute running time and five minutes of that is cluttered, pointless filler. Songs like " Furry Dice (dangling from the guitar)" and "Boo (Hoo)" are pointless excursions and serve no purpose other than boosting the album's playing length over half an hour.
Still, all gripes about the filler aside Bongo is, for the most part, one catchily dancetastic release. I plan to use most of these songs on various summer mixes for family and friends. However it would've been tighter and had more impact as an EP.

Album Review: Candy Bars

Candy Bars - On Cutting Ti-Gers in Half and Understanding Narravation
(2006, New Granada Records)

I don't even know where to start. Most people read the first few scentences of an album review, just enough to get the gist of a band's basic style, and then move on. That would be the wrong thing to do in this case. You see a certain musical trio from Tampa called Candy Bars has come along with a debut album that is completely one thing without be everything you're tired of about that one thing. That one thing (and stick with me to the end on this) is dreamy, orchestral dream pop.
You'd be right to say that the genre's resurgence is getting old fast. Most of the groups sound identical and are steeped in cliche. What Candy Bars reminds us is that ANY genre, no matter how stagnant, still has the potential to be thrilling and vital as long as there is genuine effort by the artist to find his or her own voice. In the case of Candy Bars that voice is the menacingly eerie whisper of vocalist Daniel Martinez.
With their debut, On Cutting Ti-Gers in Half and Understanding Narravation, the members of Candy Bars have restored some of the mystery to psychodellic pop. They've made a melancholy album of remarkable textural depth that sinks its hooks deeper into your heart with each repeat listening. The music swells and unfurls in a breathingly loose and organic fashion without transgressing into long-winded freeform boredom. The core instrumentation consists of guitar, drums and cello although there's plenty of auxillary layering throughout the album's 11 tracks making On Cutting Ti-Gers far more rewarding through the magic of stereo headphones.
As for the Martinez's lyrics, they almost make sense some of the time and then suddenly flee from grasp and into a surreal, semi-decipherable haze. With the typical passage being in the vein of, "A closed-eye Houdini with a deck of breath plays silk harp in the morning." you should know that these words have no intention of revealing any sort of meaning. Their true function is that of conjuring of vivid but mysterious imagery which may sort of allude to whatever the song is about if indeed it is about anything....ahem.
At it's lowest point On Cutting Ti-Gers... is still a damn good recording and although the album's second half isn't nearly as rivetting as the first, there's still quite a bit of melody and dreaminess to be enjoyed. It isn't quite slowcore, it isn't quite psychodellia and it isn't quite chamber pop but Candy Bars incorperates elements of all three genres into something at once distinctive and familiar.

Wes McDonald playing this Saturday

Hey folks, just letting you know that Wes McDonald will be playing at Jack of the Wood this coming Saturday (June 10th). If you're unfamiliar with his rock stylings then scroll down and read my review of his new album. Better yet drop by the Disclaimer website website www.ashevilledisclaimer.com and listen to his songs on the music page's jukebox.

Album Review; 13 Ghosts - Cicada

13 Ghosts - Cicada
(2006, Skybucket Records)

13 Ghosts didn't exist in its current form until nearly a decade after its inception under a different name. The members came together in 1990, played around for a couple years and then scattered until the 1998 death of the original bass player. The two remaining members, Brad Armstrong and Buzz Russell, rekindled their musical partnership the day of their friend's funeral in an attempt to exorcise their own grief. The resulting recordings have never been released but Armstrong and Russell went on to make three proper albums and two EP's. Their third album, Cicada, came out a couple years ago with limited distribution. Now Skybucket Records has come along to bring Cicada to the rest of the country.
The thing about Cicada is that it does not sound like a band's third album. It has the kind of go-for-broke-and-throw-every-passing-idea-into-the-mix quality that most bands shed on their first album. Americana, lo-fidelity cut and paste arrangements, laid back pop, old-timey spirituals, the occasional drum machine, pedal hopping indie rock and straightforeward country all come into stylistic play as Cicada meanders through it's 60 odd minutes on your stereo. Disjointed? Yep! Unfocused? You betcha, but something about 13 Ghosts' complete disregard for clarity makes the album all the more worthwhile.
13 Ghosts' genre-hopping never comes off as forced or desperate. The songs sound natural and perfectly fit into the skin of whatever style they happen to be presented in. This bullseye faithfulness to far-flung sensibilities is no doubt a byproduct of the rotating asseblage of 20 or so contributing musicians who appear on the album. Buried in the ranks are quite a few recognizable names including Daniel Johnston and Azure Ray's Maria Taylor.
While Cicada never jells stylisticly, it certainly does so thematically. I believe it's a concept album, but about what I have no idea. I do know that it is broken into two parts and many songs examine life cut short by untimely death or changed in an instant by unforseen events. The songs themselves often cut off suddenly and immediately throwing the listener into new territory with little time to adjust. 13 Ghosts sounds less like a band and more like a friendly neighborhood recording project with too much talent to keep among friends, Armstrong and Russell would be wise to let it remain that way.

DVD Review - The Passenger (1975)

The Passenger
(1975 - Dir. Michelangelo Antonioni)

To call the 1975 masterpiece, The Passenger, an existential thriller is mostly correct. Is it existential? Oh sweet Christmas yes! This is Michelangelo Antonioni after all, the man who made Blow Up, La Notte and L'Aventura. A man whose career-long obsession with identity and alienation produced some of the most enigmatic and discussed films ever made. Then there is the "thriller" part of the moniker.
What elements of a thriller do we have? Do we have a hot young star on the rise? Yes, we have Jack Nicholson at his absolute peak, smack dab between Chinatown and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. We've also got; international intrigue, potentially fatal mistaken identity and an alluring young woman who may provide some steamy answers. However, this is an Antonioni film, the man never had much interest in telling a conventional story. The Passenger, like most of the director's other films isn't about the plot, it's about something much bigger.
Jack Nicholson plays David Locke, a London-based journalist working North Africa. When a fellow traveller named Robinson dies in the next hotel room over, Locke impulsively switches information with the man he barely knows and assumes his identity. Keeping the appointments in Robinson's notebook, Locke revels in what he thinks is a newfound freedom from the stuffy confines of his old life. What he doesn't know is that Robinson was an arms dealer and there are some mighty dangerous folks looking for him. Soon he meets a beautiful young girl, identified in the credits only as "The Girl", and the two trot the globe attempting to escape themselves and the people chasing them.
For an Antonioni film that's a hell of alot of story, but don't worry it unfolds at a snail's pace. Even the chase scene seems poderous and slow. Then again we don't watch Antonioni for mind blowing action. His films are for the most patient of viewers. The story and the people and the dialogue are merely set-pieces, they are only important in their relationship to the world around them. The Passenger's central theme is the desire to be free of the life you have made. While driving down the road in one scene the girl asks Locke, "What are you running from?" Locke tells her to put her back to the dashboard. She does so and watches the road behind them stretch into the distance.
As in other Antonioni films there are no easy answers. The body of the film is constructed and layered in such a way that the central theme is explored in great depth but the resolution is ultimately up to the viewer to put together. In The Passenger's legendary 7 minute, one shot final scene, everything unfolds silently, beautifully and with the kind of tension and release that only a master like Antonioni could build and control.
This is the very first time The Passenger has been available on DVD or available at all in its original restored length. I really wish Criterion had picked this one up and given it the full treatment. The transer is good but nowhere near the level that a film of such scope and beauty demands. There are some nice extras including a rare commentary by Jack Nicholson himself who, although not what you would call "chatty", is clearly in awe of Antonioni and regards his own appearance in one of the director's masterpieces with much pride.

Hazard County Girls - Divine Armor

Hazard County Girls - Divine Armor
(2006, Rev'd Up Records)

Straight outta bayou country, these three ladies power things up with pounding drums, sultry vocals and gut crunching riffage. After losing their bass player to Nashville Pussy and endless delays resulting from that Katrina storm, Hazard County Girls finally have their second full length release out for people to hear. The result is a mixed bag of fuzz, melody and old fashioned fanny kicking.
Having made the rounds opening for the likes of Hank lll and Rasputina you know to expect an ominous, southern gothic brooding to their sound. Add to that some heavy fuzz with steady mid-tempo riffs and you've got some pulsing black magic melodies to make the stoners happy. Although they seem to be labelled a "female Black Sabbath", Hazard County Girls actually sound more like a doom rock version of Throwing Muses.
Christy Kanes' raspy voice has a darkly coy sensuality and for all the attention paid to pounding drums and chug-a-chugging guitars there is a remarkable amount of melody on Divine Armor. Songs like "Fine Lines" and "Insect" take the band's driving darkness into more restrained and melodic territory with stunning results.
Unfortunately the album does drag occasionally in its second half as some of the more unremarkable tracks go on a couple minutes too long with few dynamic changes. That being said, Divine Armor's high points thankfully overwhelm those few low ones.

Untied States - Retail Detail

Untied States - Retail Detail
(2006, Self Released)

In modern music, nothing should be cherished so much as the unexpected. Surprises are rare things these days musically speaking. Most songs, and in some cases entire albums, can be predicted by the attentive listener after hearing just a couple bars. Fortunately Atlanta's Untied States have successfully incorperated enough imagination on their second full length, Retail Detail, to keep even the most jaded listeners guessing as to what is coming next.
Born of the near life-long friendship of Colin Arnstein and Skip Engelbrecht, Untied States presents an intriguing pastiche of incongruous parts and pieces jammed together to somehow form a satifying disarray. The 12 tracks on Retail Detail are experimental without resorting to drone or feedback, dissonant without sounding atonal and oddly melodic without sounding formulaic.
There IS structure and cohesion here but it's a different kind of structure, one that hinges on agressively shifting time signatures and jarring changes in tone. It's the kind of giddy inventiveness you'd find with Deerhoof, US Maple or early Sonic Youth. The songs themselves rarely sound like one thing through their short lives. Untied States keep things fresh by switching gears often although there are a couple songs such as "My Cause is My Curse" where the deconstruction slows down a bit to allow for a more traditional post-punk experience.
Although theres quite alot of sonic juxtaposition on Retail Detail, things never degenerate into cacauphanic mess of noise without reason. When two conflicting sections are jammed against one another they simply create tension and thankfully not a mess. Even though there are heaping loads of art flying around on this album it's at least been tethered to a very strong leash. Energetic, engaging and hugely satisfying, Untied States haven't come to bury the A,A,B,A song structure, just to rebel against it a little.

Ian Love - S/T

Ian Love - ST
(2006 - Limekiln Records)

You may not know is name but Ian Love has been on the NYC music scene for quite a while. He's been in hardore bands and emo bands and toured Europe a few times and been addicted to heroin and essentially lived a colorful and storied life. With his first solo effort however he shows himself as a family man who has finally settled into a life worth holding on to.
Being in a band is great. Being in several bands is also great. Trouble is that musically you can never really know much about youself until you sit down alone and at home with the recodring device of your choice to see what comes out. That's what love has done here, writing and recording these ten songs in the private company of his wife and daughter. He understands how many times he's almost thrown his life away to hard living. These songs mean to bury that old life for good and show the greatfulness he has to still be around for the life of a family man.
But what does it sound like? For one thing it doesn't sound for one second like it was recorded at home. The sound quality is crisp and clean. Love's gentle, family man vocals intimately glide across a tasteful blend of acoustic guitar, piano, mellotron and whatever else he decides to embellish with. When I say gentle vocals I don't mean weary, dour and self-indulgent. I mean a gentle with a spark of excitement, kind of like he's singing these songs directly to his daughter. Musically he keeps things well clear of of folkiness favoring straightforewaryd melodies with subtle and occasionally intricate embellishments.
This is not a perfect album. It's not intended to be. It is in fact a personal act of catharsis embracing beauty along with the blemishes. Love has come through a period of searching and self-destruction to find himself safe, happy and in love. Those previous life experiences are recounted along the way and incorperated into the albums overall theme of joy to have finally found a life worth living.

What’s the world coming to, when a man can’t mutilate the genitals of another man in the privacy of his own home.

By Philmore McSnaggin

Some people might call me crazy, even old-fashioned, but I thought I was living in the United States of America. Am I right? I just read in the Citizen-Times that two local men were arrested for nothing more than cutting the penis off of other men. I'm sorry folks, but that's not the America I grew up in.

There use to be a time when one man could be another man's man-whore in the privacy of their home and that was okay. I remember the days when you could have gerbil spelunking nights and gag-ball tea parties and that was just fine and tootin'. I grew up with the typical barnyard antics, if you know what I mean, and my neighbors nary raised an eye. What happened to those days? Now a man goes to jail simply for mutilating the genitals and penis of another man? Outrageous! I guess if I dressed another man in leather, kept him in a cage and fed him only raw meat I'd be thrown in jail for that too?

Well folks, the terrorists have won. I was told 9/11 changed everything, but I didn't think it mean that I couldn't castrate a man in my kitchen with a Henkle without fear of prison time. For shame, America, for shame. Tonight, my man-whore and I will shed a tear in the dungeon before I start spanking him with a mounted squirrel ... in the privacy of my own house.

Westside Daredevils - Twilight Children

Westside Daredevils - Twilight Children
(2006, Self Released)

Knoxville's Westside Daredevils want to be your new favorite bubblegum-pop band. They've got alot going for them too; they've got three part vocal harmonies, melodious guitaristry and enough knowledge about how to put a song together to fill several books. They can indeed build a song. They can put all the parts in the right places and execute them flawlessly. Real fancy stuff too with all the frills and fun. The only problem is that is does feel like these songs have been constructed out of tried and true parts instead of being written to express a point of view.
When I say these boys know all the tricks, I mean, DAMN! If there were an MIT class about writing pop music then Brett Cassidy, Jeff Caudill and Gray Comber would be teaching it. They've got it down to a science. The problem is that the proceedings feel acedemic rather than resonant. After listening to their second album, Twilight Children, three times I couldn't readily recall a single song on it. I remembered thinking, "This reminds me of The Young Fresh Fellows or The Gin Blossoms."but couldn't really remember why. It just didn't stick with me.
Something of that may have to do with the impeccable clenliness of the album. The production is so clean as to be completely steril. Even the frequent distortion and occasional dissonance are squeeky clean, radio ready and pruned of the rough edges that would make them stand out.
Westside Daredevils have alot going on, good pop songs by excellent musicians.However there's no real identity. Twilight Children comes across like bar-bq chicken eaten with a knife and fork. The ingredients and flavor are there but it would be more satisfying if it were more messy.

Wes McDonald - 1:50 In The Furnace

Wes McDonald - 1:50 In The Furnace
(2006, Skybucket Records)

Wes McDonald is a man refreshingly in tune with his own sensibilities. He's had plenty of time to find his voice with three long-playing releases already under his belt. The songs on his new album 1:50 In The Furnace come across as impulsive, confident and natural, attempting to please no one but their creator. The results are enjoyably worthwhile only with a few missteps.
A couple decades ago Wes McDonald would've been a collage radio king. He'd be in heavy rotation on 120 Minutes and be a darling chick in a nest weaved by Paul Westerberg, Bob Mould and Michael Stipe. Although he seems to be lumped in with the Americana crowd these days , 1:50 In The Furnace is in fact just good old twangly jangly alternative rock from way back when it was still hip and novel to be labeled "Alternative". Listen to "Day One" and try to tell me I'm wrong.
"I Would Never" is an odd choice as a first track although it IS in tune with the individualistic, curve-ball nature of the album. However, it neither sets the stage nor launches you into the rowdy rawkus. It's a decent song, but it's place in the album makes it just be kind of...there with no sequential purpose. Things pick up quickly with the jangly rock of "Shot Stered" which springboards into the shining kinetic strength of "Chinese Rug".
McDonald's music is what we in the industry call "Badass". Songs meant to be mouthed with head nodding in time to the music and hand firmly clutching the working man's beer of your choice. Blue collar indie rock if you will. Catchy guitar riffs set to body moving beats and memorable vocal melodies delivered with raspy twang, damn good stuff.

Lylas - Lessons For Lovers

Lylas - Lessons For Lovers
(2006 - Ficticious Records)

Another exanple of an album coming out at just the right time of year. The days are longer. The sun is warmer. The evenings of hammocks, front porches and block parties are just beginning. In this lithe atmosphere, brimming with frivolity, the festively baroque chamber-pop stylings of Nasheville's Lylas seem as natural as the emerging greenery.
Referring to their first full-length release as unobtrusively pleasurable may seem condescending but it's not meant to be. Most of the songs on Lessons For Lovers jauntily drift by like a spring breeze and packing 16 tracks into a mere 35 minutes, it never wears out its welcome. Ignoring the frequently tragic nature of the lyrics, Lylas' music bounces by with an entrancing mix of Americana, Old English and 60's English pop stylings.
Delightful as it is as a background piece for those Springtime evenings on the porch, Lessons For Lovers also offers much to the attentive listener. Thoughtfully intricate arrangements showcase delicate melodies born of a plethora of various instrumentation. The results are memorable melodies, beautiful musical twists and at least two pop masterpieces; "His Master's Merriment" and "Years and Years".
Lylas seems like a band with alot of spark and hopefully long life. The constant associations with the likes of Donovan, Belle and Sebastian, The Kinks, The Clientele and The Ladybug Transistor are 100% warrented. Their music is very familiar and easily peggable but at least they're making an effort to bring something of their own to the table. It's not likely to bowl you over from the offset but there's alot of fragile beauty on Lessons For Lovers. Another nice addition to the New Nasheville rennaisance.

Listing Ship - Time to Dream

Listing Ship - Time to Dream
(2006 - True Classical CD's)

The first thing that I couldn't believe about Listing Ship was that they come from LA. They may possibly be part of a larger punkish, avant-folk-pop scene but I haven't heard sounds like these coming from that particular city in many a year. The second thing I couldn't believe was the discovery that Mike Watt plays bass on most of the album. If nobody told you, you'd never know. The third thing I couldn't believe was that this is their fourth album and yet I'd never heard of them. The internet, music journalists and even my friends in Southern Calli had failed to bring such a wonderful band to my attention.
Listing Ship is fronted by dual songwriters Lyman Chaffee and Heather Lockie and backed by an assemblage of friends and colleagues. Lockie's sprightly vocals carry an exquisitely sweet melodiousness. Sounding at times girlishly naive. Chaffee, by contrast, croons in a soothingly dour baritone comprable. Contrast, by the way, is the very heart of Listing Ship. True to the album's title, the songs of Time to Dream ebb and flow across the American subconscious in a dreamlike haze. With very few uninspired moments Chaffee and Lockie treat the listener to fractured fairy tales, laments, upbeat girly pop, odes, bluegrass ditties and French minstrel revues.
Theres more than a bit of cheekiness present on Time to Dream which thankfully remains innocent and steers well clear of the trappings of ironic posturing. Glancing at song titles like "The Temptation of Miss Piggy" and "Baise Ca" (French for "Fuck That") you know you're in the hands of musicians who are as fun and irreverent as they are serious and proficient. The occasional dashes of pretense seem to deprecate themselves on the spot.
As backing musicians Lockie and Julie Carpenter (Listing Ship's violinist) have performed string arrangements for everone from Lydia Lunch to Brian Wilson to Dave Pajo to Sparklehorse to Arthur Lee of the band Love. Listing Ship seems to smirk at its own pedigree however. Sure they're fantastic musicians with deep respect for American musical traditions but that doesn't mean they can't let their silliness come out occasionally.

Nothing Painted Blue - Taste the Flavor

Nothing Painted Blue - Taste the Flavor
(2005 - Shrimper Records)

Let's not split hairs, Nothing Painted Blue is my favorite band of all time. I could easily kick out a long form essay on why Franklin Bruno is the most criminally underrated songwriter of the last couple decades. He's been described as witty, brainy, literary, scholarly, mathy, jaded, playfully morbid, hopelessly romantic and relentlessly catchy. In addition to his work with NPB he's recorded several solo albums, been in The Extra Glenns with John Darnielle of The Mountain Goats and been the subject of a tribute album by Jenny Toomey. None of the other stuff, good as it may be, has ever quite reached the heights of the band proper.
The poshumous Taste the Flavor is arguably NPB's sixth album, although technically it's the fifth. Rarities compilations don't count for us geeks. On it, we get glimpses and nods to the band's various stages and incarnations. There's the noisely impetuous, Minutemen inspired, power pop of the early days with songs like "Self-contained" and "Striver", all the way to the more mature subtlety of "Dry Spell" or "Longer Leash". Through it all the band reenforces its command of all things catchy with a flair for jaded empathy. With this release, more than any other since the early days, the emphasis is on immediacy and performance rather than polish and refined overdubs.
The thing about Bruno's lyrics, brainy though they may be, is that they never get in the way of the song. If anything the words enhance the music. He doesn't just jam a bunch of overly long words or far-flung referrences in just for the hell of it. Instead he has a knack for twisting a few simple words, and even goofily simple rhymes into complex metaphors about unrequited love, frustration and fatalistic resign without ever actually sounding depressed. Instead of sounding like they're trying to be clever, they just ARE clever while also being unapologetically sincere and always keeping the listener emotionally engaged.
On one hand I'm kind of sad that this will be the last official NPB album. On the other hand I never really expected it to come out. It has been over seven years since their last release. All in all it makes for a fine curtain call in a near flawless career.
To hear song snippets go here!

Bin Laden Livens Up Videos with Bloopers and Pranks

After acknowledging a drop in ratings to his videos, a spokesman for Bin Laden announced that he is exploring new avenues to get his message out.

“We’ve really dropped in the 18 to 34 demographic. So we thought we’d try to show the funny side of terror,” said an un-named spokesman for Bin laden. “You get these al-Qaeda members together anything can happen. It's as easy as turning on the camera and let the hilarity insue.”

Followers in the Middle East and enemies in the West will see a lighter side of Bin Laden. On one out-take he fumbles, saying,”...the lintrails of the zio…” to which he chuckles and you can hear the camera man laugh. “Wait... did I say lintrails?” Bin Laden asks looking around. “I meant to say, may the entrails of the zionist pig dogs flow through the bloody streets of America… geesh I’m really behind on my dialysis.”

Also debuting is an al-Qaeda version of "Punk’d" called “You’ve been Fatwa’d!” From exploding sandwiches to a suicide bomber who’s vest was rigged not to explode but rather to make embarrassing farting noises, you’ll see al-Qaeda members prank each other. From dressing a member up to look like an American and dropping him off in Iraq, to a television set that levels a three story building.

“It’s Benny Hill meets Abu Musab al-Zarqawi,” says the al-Qaeda spokesman. “Great stuff. And they’ll be the traditional threats of world violence and imminient detruction we’ve all come to love and expect. So really, it’s the best of both of worlds.”

Conservative PBS Programming Shake Up?

Public television announced that it will shake up PBS’s core children’s programming for all public television stations. A spokesman for PBS says that these changes are unrelated to the controversy going on with the corporation and do not reflect a shift to the right.

Of the shows to be dropped, Travels with Buster was the first to get cut. "It has nothing to do with the showing of a gay couple, it has to do with fund cutting, ratings and we think that it’s dangerous for kids to believe a rabbit can fly a plane.”

DragonTales has been cut, said the spokesman.” We don’t believe that “magic” or any hints toward fictional creatures like “dinosaurs” have any place on our public airwaves.

A new segment will be added to Sesame Street, Hardline with Bigbird. "Here we'll have a roundtable with Cookie Monster, Grouch and a special guest where current topics like activist judges, abortion and gay rights will be tackled. The first new guest will be Karl Rove. Brought to you by the letter W."

Also a new Muppet Jesus will be added to the Sesame Street line along with his sidekick Cruci the Crucifix.

“We're very excited. The Jesus segment will be a song-filled romp around the world, discovering new religions and teaching why each of them is a one-way ticket to hell."

“All of these changes are standard throughout the year as we evaluate the appeal of our shows,” the spokesman said. “Contrary to many reports from the mainstream media, it is not influenced by conservatives. There are many other self-reflective questions we will be asking in the future like, what’s the deal with all these colored people on PBS? We’re going to need to do something about that.”

Album Review: Dawn Smithson - Safer Here

Dawn Smithson - Safer Here
(2005, Kranky)

After a six year hiatus from recording, former Jessamine bassist Dawn Smithson has returned with a new collection of stark, intensely personal songs. It's clear from the beginning that she has no intention to forray back into the spacey psychodellia of her former band, although former bandmate Rex Ritter (also of Fontanelle) offers up accompanyment on "How Thoughtless".
Smithson's new songs are grounded in something darker. They exude lonliness and feel like they're trying to make sense of some unknown trauma. For the most part the music of Safer Here stays focused on Smithson's guitar and vocals. She also plays bass, accordion and keys on the album, but they only crop up as punctuation.
The lady herself has said she thinks the album is better listened to alone. I would go one step further and say that the Safer Here is better listened to while doing no activity other than listening to Safer Here. The music's gravity sucks everything else out of the room. It's hard enough to lift my arms to type these words while listening. Talking to another human? Forget it. As she plucks away at her seemingly frail arpeggiated dissonance, her words of stalwart survival demand every ounce of your attention. They offer cold comfort and on the odd occasion even hope.

Album Review: Paul Duncan - Be Careful What You Call Home

Paul Duncan - Be Careful What You Call Home
(2005, Hometapes)

The music of Paul Duncan draws you in with an intimacy that few artists posess. You feel welcome and comfortable which is odd considering that the running theme of Be Careful What You Call Home is dissatisfaction with and emotional distance from the place you are. What is a home? How do you connect with it? Do you have to go to it or create it where you are? What do you do when you HAVE created it and then one day look up to see that it holds nothing for you?
In working through these questions Duncan holds back alot from the listener. The words are sparse and vague. They couldn't do the subjectmatter justice anyway. Instead Duncan lets his music do most of the talking. Originally from an unnamed town in East Texas, He clings to his small town sensibilities while spinning them into big city arrangements. With the help of eight other musicians Duncan constructs intricate, yet unassuming, composition that never wear out their welcome. The longest track has a running time of only four and a half minutes. Occasionally traditional acoustic instruments meet with a bit of technological manipulation. Despite their complexity, the songs on Be Careful What You Call Home never become cluttered. The instruments always have room to breathe giving the songs an aspect of freedom and buoyancy.
On occasion Duncan endulges in some artsier flights of fancy. Nothing so obtuse as to disrupt the album's flow but it has insighted comparisons to Chicago musicians, most notably Jim O'Rourke and Sam Prekop. However Duncan's music never gives way to the stuffy pretense that his Chicagoan counterparts often revel in. Plus if you're absolutely starving for a new Iron & Wine long player, Be Careful What You Call Home is MORE than satisfactory to fill that void.

Blogger Posts 1000th Inane Article.

A milestone was reached in the blogosphere today. After waking up at noon, Chad Johnson posted his 1000th blog article to little fanfare. After rambling about Bush and the Iraq war, Johnson posted some pictures of his cat Taurus sleeping on the sofa. There were four comments, one from his mother, one from a friend in hopes of bringing visits to his own blog sexymanpoet.blogspot.com and two from Anonymous, who it turns out is Johnson himself.

"I am the master of Bloggiating, I made that term up myself. I drink about 10 cups of coffee and then I start with my Bloggerhea, that's taking what's in my head and sharing it with the world. I usually blog naked, it helps me think, and makes for easy transition to Pornalating. That's another term I made up myself."

“I think as a middle-age white male in America,” Chad continued, “I’ve got a different insight than what you might hear from MSM. That’s the Mainstream Media and they totally suck if you haven’t figured that out.”

A sample of his post titles are “Bush is Warmonger”, “Bush Lied”, “Warmonger Bush,” “Lying Warmonger Bush Lying.” And “Warmongering Liar Lying in Bush Waiting for War.”

“I’ve got the hits going now. I’m averaging 1200 hits a day. 1000 are mine, 195 are misdirected, but those last 5… those last 5 are people I’m connecting with. We're sharing. We’re Blogelating you know. I know I’m making a difference in the world and not just taking up space on a server. In fact, after this interview I’m going to blog about it. Probably title it “Bush Sucky Lying Liar War Mong Mong.”

Amish Girls Reach Across Cultural Divide

Susan Miller and Laura Brown have broken down the barriers of their radically different lives to show what can happen if people look beyond cultural and religious differences. Susan who is Amish from Western Pennsylvania has formed an unlikely friendship with Laura, an Amish woman from Eastern Pennsylvania. Though these groups rarely meet because of the week-long 120 mile trek, they keep in contact through letters and carrier pidgeon.

“They don’t let their differences keep them apart,” says Abraham Miller, Susan’s father. “Susan likes to churn butter with a oak spoon, where as Laura churns butter with a cedar spatula. Laura uses hemp line to mend her skirts where Susan uses cotton fiber. “It’s crazy I tell you,” says Susan’s father Abraham. “We tolerate Laura's alien ways, because it’s not one’s place to condemn a culture as foreign and sin-filled as hers. We leave that for God.”

Among other cultural differences, Susan rides a buggy to church where as Laura walks. You might be asking yourself, how do these girls find common ground?

“We try not to let the big differences get in the way. Because she’s so different, I learn more about myself. Though her usage of a butter churn her father made will condemn her to a fiery hell, I try not to let the stench of her sin get in the way of our friendship.”

“Susan fastens her cloths with buttons and her father wears one suspender not two. This unfortunately means she will become Satan fodder in the bowels of eternal hell,” says Laura, “but she makes me laugh and that’s what counts.”

Spreading the Christmas Love

by Artimus Peeflower

You know. It might just be the pint of Georgia Moon speaking but I love this time of year. I just got back from slaughtering a tree for Jesus, decorating it with Christmas lights, and forcing my child to sit and watch the pre-programmed 8-mode light display. "Look boy," I tell him. "You see that flashing tree? It died for Jesus and Jesus died for you, so recognize!"

I put it in the window so my sorry-ass neighbors can see that I’m bringing the Christmas cheer to my house and that warms the cockles of my motherfucking heart. "So shut up boy," I tell him. "Sit down and respect the fucking tree."

I put up a nativity scene in front of my house. I got the plastic Jesus, the Mary, and the Joseph. I got sheep, lambs, three wise men, all that crap. My neighbor was looking at it when he was leaving his house and I wanted to spread the holiday cheer so I said, “That’s Jesus you fucking towel head. He puts the Christ in Christmas. Go to church sometime and you might learn something!” It's important to give back to the community like that.

Me and my buddies have a carolling group going. We go out and sing all the Christmas favorites. Jingles Bells, Rudolph, Hark the herald angles sing fa la la la la motherfucking la! There’s nothing better than ending a good night out drinking with your buddies than singing in front of somebody’s house at four in the morning. It’s like being awakened by angels.

I know there’s Channuka, Kwanza and all that crap. That’s cute and all, but nothing captures the message of Christmas like Christmas. I put a 25-foot tall crucifix on my front yard and wrapped it in blinking icicle lights. On top is Santa and his reindeer and a 32 million-watt light that shines down on my nativity scene like the eye of God. That’s what it’s all about really. Jesus, lights, dead trees, fat men in red suits breaking into your house, and brotherly love... not in that gay way though. So enjoy the holidays folks and respect the fucking tree!

Reviews of The Happy Bullets and The Tah-Dahs

The Happy Bullets - The Vice and Virtue Ministry / The Tah-Dahs - Le Fun
(2005, Undeniable Records)

I am officially declaring the Dallas based Undeniable Records as my new favorite label in the world. With their first two releases they've injected some life into what is becoming, quite frankly, a stagnant indie scene. Niether The Happy Bullets nor The Tah-Dahs are revolutionary, or even all that original but both bands ARE infectiously catchy, extremely clever and just plain fun. Both tackle mundane, sometimes outright depressing, subjects with a skip and a whistle making the plight of their songs' subjects seem even more futile.

The Happy Bullets keenly balance the serious and the whimsical. Their songs are like 3 minute snapshots of other people's lives. The characters in their stories are mostly oblivious to the pathetic state of their lives. An official of the Department of Weights and Measures insists that he's "The only one standing in the way of total chaos." A young man forces himself to resign his dreams as he learns to love the factory. A Suburban housewife gets a brief glimps of the apocolypse. Although the lyrics are written in character they could apply to pretty much anyone's life.

With duel songwriters, the musical stylings on The Vice and Virtue Ministry switch tracks constantly. It's obvious from the title and cover art that Jason Roberts and Tim Ruble have something of an affinity for Brit-pop. The Kinks are there, only half-buried in the mix. The track "Mr. Gray" is an answer to ELO's "Mr. Blue Sky" in Jeff Lynn's own style. If everyone's so happy to see Mr. Blue Sky then how must Mr. Gray feel? The Happy Bullets have other tricks too. The individual song's style is taylored to it's character. There's a bit of The Shins, The Decemberests and bassist Andrea Roberts offers a portion of girlie pop a la Cub or Heavenly. Producer Stuart Sikes (Modest Mouse, The Walkmen, White Stripes, etc…) adds a bit of unobtrusive polish and rounds things out nicely.

The Tah-Dahs are no less jauntly but their influences seem to be more homegrown. They can deliver a damn good song even if the attempts at lyrical cleverness sometimes fall flat. Not everyone can be Franklin Bruno. Still, the cheekiness and obscure movie referrences on Le Fun are undeniably charming and when lyricist Roy Ivy plays the words just right you realise how much better the band is going to get. For now the main concern is girls. Ivy may sing about making mix tapes or dismissing cute, hipster bands but at the gooey center of every track is yet another girl.

Stylisticly The Tah-Dahs' aim is fairly true. Taking elements of The Modern Lovers, The Feelies and The Pixies, they twist the these tales of frustrated adolescence into solidly well-crafted songs. Le Fun may begin as a glorified prom soundtrack but by the end proves itself to be a cleverly enjoyable romp that lusts to reclaim the adventurous goofiness of youthful inexperience. No it's not a perfect album but it shines often and can perk you right up for the drive to work or school or wherever it is you people go.

Emails from Michael Brown at FEMA During Katrina

From: Brown, Michael D.
Sent: Wendesday, August 31, 2005
To: Grozny, Dan
Subject: Re: Help Required. Need More Supplies Immediately

Gotcha Dan. Hey check this picture out. It’s hilarious.

Fatgirlmotorcycle.gif

-------Original Message------
From: Grozny, Dan
Sent: Wendesday, August 31, 2005
To: Brown, Michael D.
Subject: Help Require More Supplies Immediately

Sir, we are in desparate need. Food supplies are running out. People are about to riot. Dead are piled on the street. No phone connectivity. Please hurry, we need help now!



_______________________________________


From: Brown, Michael D.
Sent: Thursday, September 01, 2005
To: Green, Sally
Subject: Re: New Orleans

I understand Sally. What is it exactly that you need me to do?


-------Original Message------
From: Green, Sally
Sent: Wendesday, August 31, 2005
To: Brown, Michael D.
Subject: New Orleans

There’s 1000-gallon tanker truck with much-needed water at the state line. it doesn’t know where to go. Please send word to the driver that it is badly needed here at the Convention Center in New Orleans.


_____________________________________



From: Brown, Michael D.
Sent: Thursday, September 01, 2005
To: Grozny, Dan
Subject: Re: Situation Deteriorating Quickly

What’s a levee? Look, I’ve got a big press conference right now. I bought a brand new blue button-down shirt for it and it looks fabulous. I think I’m going to WOW everyone! I see a big promotion coming out of this. Cross your fingers.


-------Original Message------
From: Grozny, Dan
Sent: Wendesday, August 31, 2005
To: Brown, Michael D.
Subject: Situation Deteriorating Quickly

The levee system has crumbled. Water is continuing to rush in. Please send for more help. People are drowning. Thousands still stranded on roof tops.

I Ain't Scared of No Bird Flu

By Ralph Breakwind

I guess have to start this by saying I love chickens. And by that I mean I really really love chickens... if you know what I'm saying. Some folks have been coming up to me lately saying Ralph, you’ve got stop hanging out at that chicken coop. The bird flu’s going around, the neighbors are talking, and you smell like bird. You know what I tell them, don’t put your hang-ups on me man. Don’t hold me down with your closed minds.

Have you ever felt the sensation of a full-body peck when you accidentally rolled naked over a pile of chicken feed and just happen to stumble into coup. Have you ever had a chicken give you “that look” you know what I’m saying, that “I won’t say no” stare? Have you ever witnessed chicken on chicken action? If you had, then you’d understand. If not, take your hateful stares elsewhere you fascist.

Now everyone’s hatin’ on the birds because of this bird flu. Saying Ralph you’re going get some disease hanging out with those chickens. You’re going to mutate that chicken virus until it goes airborne. Give me a break. Sure, I get the occasional rash and open sores, but have you ever been in the throes of passionate love and had your partner lay an egg on your chest? Have you? Until you do, you just won’t get it.

So you don't scare me with your little flu story. Just keep your hating ways to yourself. Until you can open your mind to all kinds of love then you’ll live in a dark world where a man’s wife leaves him just because she finds a chicken straddling his face in bed. I can’t help that I’m so enticing to the fine hens. I’m all about spreading the love. So remember, once you go chicken, nothing else is lickin’. Okay I need to work on that, but you get the idea.

Ask Arnold - in progress

Dear Arnold,
I’m worried I might be pregnant. It's very early, but are there certain signs to look for to see if I might be pregnant.
Cindy

Dear Cindy,
If you get fat, cry a lot, and your boyfriend stops calling, you might be pregnant. Or it could be that you’re not pregnant just fat, emotional and really annoying.

Dear Arnold,
I was told you can use vegetable shortening to cure diaper rash. Is that true?
Beth

Dear Beth,
I don’t know. Will pouring a bottle of whisky on my ball sack grow back the nut that got blown off at Da Kang? How about licking the hindquarters of an enchanted fairy who lives in an elm tree? I hear that clears up a raging case of gonorrea. You people are a bunch of idiots.

Dear Arnold,
My son wheezes a lot and has been diagnosed with Asthma. Are there some day-to-day things I can do to lessen the chances of an attack
Concerned


Dear Concerned,
There’s no such thing as asthma. If he's not hacking up yellowish-green phlegm 10 to 20 times a day his lungs are too dry and he needs to smoke more. The next time your son starts faking the wheezies, stick a cigarette in front of his face and tell him to suck it down. This builds up lung power and lubes the lungs with healing phelgm. Keep this up until he stops whining or passes out. Either way he'll feel better.

Dear Arnold,
One of my friend's children is the same age as my son, but she is already counting. They're both two and a half. Is my child behind?
Gertrude

Dear Gerturde,
I had a cousin who was late in learning to count. He drools a lot and keeps getting his hand caught in his own zipper. Not saying your kid will drool, but I’d keep him away from zippers just to be safe.

Dear Arnold,
I was thinking of modeling my child. She is quite unique and attractive. Do you have any suggestions of where to start?
Donna

Dear Donna,
I’ve got some news for you. Your kid’s about as unique as that wart growing on my ass. What makes you think the world cares about seeing your little angel dressed up like a midget hooker?

Man Sells Heirloom for X-Box and a Sack of “Kick-Ass” Weed

Inspired by an episode of Antiques Road Show on PBS, Harold Bartlett on whim took a broach from his mother's closet and had an on-air appraisal during a taping of the show in Charlotte.

The early 18th-century gold broach was worn by Bartlett's great great great great grandmother during the Seige of Boston during the Revolutionary war. It was handed down from generation to generation in the Bartlett family. It survived three fires, a theft, multiple wars and was known as the symbolic heart of the Bartlett heritage. It was told that great great grandfather Silas Bartlett died while retrieving the broach from his burning plantation during the Civil War.

“Dude I was so stoked, I always thought it was worth some ching ching.” Harold excitedly told the Road Show's camera after the appraisal. The price was estimated around $3,000 to $5,000 though a dent was noted on the back, from an attempting mugging of Harold’s Great Grandmother during the Great Depression. The broach saved her life. “That hurts it a little on the value,” says Ben Folderman the broach’s appraiser, “but it adds so much more in sentimental value.”

After the taping, Bartlett found an anxious buyer who gave him $2,500 on the spot, which he later spent on an X-Box and quite a large amount of marijuana. “It’s got some sweet red hairs in it. My next bong hit is for my great great great grandmom. Myrtle or Eyrtle or something. I’m totally going to go back through my mom’s closet again and see if I can find any more of this old junk.”

Whatever Happened to That Guy With That Thing

You remember that guy that had that thing with that little other thing on it? I wonder what happened to him. It was so funny when he grabbed that round thingie and shoved it in his watchamacallit and then marched out where we were all standing and was like “hey dudes like at this thing in my watchamacallit”. I was like, man, dude you know. That guy was crazy. I hope they were able to remove that thing with the thing on it that he shoved in his watchamcalllit.

Bush Vows To Militarily Engage Next Hurricane

With the unveiling of "Operation Soaring Eagle", President Bush announced new plans to counter the continuing threat of hurricanes. "Hurricanes are a growing threat to our national security," the president said, "and I see no other option than to attack them with the full force of the American military."

"Our intelligence has spotted a hurricane 'factory' off the African coast. We have informed Africa that if it does not stop forming hurricanes we will be forced to invade and liberate its people. Any country known to harbor or help in the formation of hurricanes will be considered an enemy to the American people."

The U.S. has already secretly been performing "Operation Head Against Wall" which entails B-52 bombing runs against developing tropical depressions. Though the effects have been minimal, the Bush administration has been undeterred. "Now is not the time to question the effectiveness of bombing a tropical depression or strafing a storm surge," said the president. "That only embolderens the hurricanes. We must be decisive and stand as one."

"I think the hurricane threat is in its last throes," said Vice President Cheney. "They are withering under the intense pressure from our military. I see all hurricanes being defeated by 2009."

The operation calls for troops to line the entire Gulf coast and to engage the storm surge and heavy winds with "extreme prejudice." Shoulder-fired weapons, Abrams tanks, machine guns will all be used as well as attack aircraft and Apache helicopters. "I don't care how big that storm surge thinks it is," says Tim Ballows, a private with the Alabama National Guard which is stationed on the beaches of Mobile, Alabama. "After I pump a few rounds into it, it'll think twice about messing with America."

The price tag of the operation has been put around 800 billion dollars with many contracts going to Halliburton and other agencies already in use in Iraq. "I don’t think we can put a price tag on freedom," the president said about the high cost of the operation. "I'll let the accountants worry about that. My job is to kick ass and take names. That's exactly what Operation Soaring Eagle is all about."

Hurricanes, Breached Levees, Storm Surges? Could it Happen in Asheville??

As the world views the devestation left by Hurricane Katrina, some in Asheville are asking, could what happen in New Orleans happen here? Though most scientists say it’s impossible we’ve managed to find a scientist who says, “That might not be as crazy as it sounds, and Asheville us unprepared for such an event.”

"Imagine this doomsday scenario,” says George Hameltree, a scientist from Devry University. “The East Coast suddenly falls off into the ocean breaking off somewhere near Old Fort. A meteor hits the North Pole melting all the glaciers while a category-5 hurricane plows into Western North Carolina. Are we prepared for such an event? I think not."

“I’m not saying live in fear, just acknowledge the fact that the city of Asheville is ill-prepared to help it’s citizens if say the levees we don't have were to burst from the ocean that is hundreds of miles away.”

Hameltree is proposing building a 60-foot high levee around Asheville along with a "Noah's Arc" like floatation device that can hold the entire population of Asheville. He thinks investing heavily in fishing vessels and building future coastal resort areas in and around Asheville is a necessity. He also wants to gather funding for extensive research on the effects of the East Coast breaking off somewhere around Old Fort. "If we don't act now" Hameltree says, "Asheville's future fishing industry will be totally destroyed, along with our beach resorts? And the children? For god sakes, the children."

Ask Arnold...in progress

Dear Arnold,
My 16-year-old is impossible to wake up for school and is constantly late. What suggestions do you have for getting him out of bed?
David

Dear David,
That’s nothing that a slab of red meat and a hungry rottweiler couldn’t fix.

Dear Arnold,
What's a good way to monitor your teen's romantic relationships?
Worried

Dear Worried,
This is what I did for my daughter and what I suggest you do for yours. Go to her school, barge into her class, hand her a medicine bottle and tell her very loudly that she forgot to take her herpes pills this morning. Once that little rumor gets around school, you shoudn't have anymore romantic relationships to monitor.

Dear Arnold,
Our three-year-old still uses a pacifier. We’re worried about it reshaping his mouth or causing a speech impediment. What do you suggest?
Maria

Dear Maria,
When I was a child we didn't have your fancy pacifiers. Me and my brothers sucked on an old boot. My teeth took the shape of a size-twelve army issue. At five I replaced the boot with a pack-a-day smoking habit, so that’s what I would suggest. Kids like the menthols. They also help get the taste of boot out of your mouth.

Dear Arnold,
My nipple hurts when I breastfeed. I think I might have mastitis? Do you know of a remedy for this?
Gertrude

Dear Gertrude,
Good lord woman. What the hell is Mastitis? Your nipple hurts because you got a rugrat gnawing on it eight times a day. Put that thing away and give your child something better like an old boot.

Dear Arnold,
My husband and I have been wondering. Is it safe for your partner to taste your breast milk?
Brandy

Dear Brandy,
Jesus Finklestein Christ! What the hell is it with you people and breast milk? You’re a bunch of preverts that what you are. If God intended for us to drink from a breast they'd come with straws. Breasts are for jiggling, squeezing and holding dollar bills. Now enough with this breast milk nonsense.

Dear Arnold,
Do you have any suggestion of what I should do if my child were to ingest poison.
Stan

Dear Stan,
First, tell them that there’s a good chance they may die and that they need to make things right with the lord. Then start smacking them in the head. This gets their humours flowing faster and scares the poison out of the blood. If that doesn’t work, pour honey on their head, this lures the poison out where you can smack it with a tire iron.

Earthquake destroys Asheville

Millions of Earthquake zombies...

Energy Efficient Car Emits Nothing More than Cyanide and Radiation

Imagine driving a car that gets 150 mpg. Think it's impossible? Well engineers in Denmark have developed such a car. Meet the Deushleberg Fusion X. With it's twin hybrid drive system the Fusion X is capable of 150+ mpg while not sacrificing a smooth ride and power. The added bonus, no carbon monoxide.

"This is really gong to help with global warming," said Vlen Heifferson, the car's lead engineer. "When your sitting at a light, your car is emitting nothing more that a stream of cyanide and barely noticable cloud of radiation."

How does the magic happen? Well it's done with a patented Nuclear reactor engine - cooled with cyanide. It's very seimple actually. All you do is drop in two to three ounces of plutonium into the reactor three times a day. Add an ounce to an ounce and a half of regular house-hold cyanide, fill up with premium gas. The Fusion X drive system does the rest.

Storage of spent fuel rods can be a tricky matter and some owner have reported hair loss and occassional permanent cessation of breathing. But wigs, lead-lined storage bags, and respirators come standard with each car.

Still working on...has this been done before?.

Celebratory Hug Leads to Hetero-Confirming Banter

Two members of NASA's shuttle team are still refusing to talk about a hug that co-workers described as "a little too long for comfort." Dale Rogers and Scott Hubert clasp together in nerdful glee as the Shuttle Discovery blasted off safely into space. As co-workers looked on both men hugged and for a brief second appeared as if about to smooch.

"I thought they were going to do it," said Stacy Johnson who witnessed the hug. "Which is really gross because I don't think Dale's brushed his teeth in a week."

Both men abruptly parted and began rattling off equations and frantically running through checklists that had already been done. Scott kept saying, "I'm going out and getting laid tonight, hell yea!" Which struck coworks as odd since Scott had recently been turned down by Wanda the NASA slut who even Jimmy the one-eyed shuttle engineer managed to hook up with at the Christmas party.

Later they talked football and high-fived a lot, but avoided looking at each other. "They really were over acting. I mean it's okay if they want to make out, just take it outside," said Stacy.

Dale nervously dismisses the rumors. "I hugged a guy okay, I mean we just launched the space shuttle. The Space... Shuttle. If a man wants to hug another man he should be able to do it."

"Yea," said Scott. "If a man wants to grab another man's ass and briefly fantasize about sticking his tounge down his throat, it just means... good shuttle launch... you know. Come on people, grow up."

Ask Arnold

Dear Arnold,
My three-month-old really hates to take a bath. She cries and flails around and it’s difficult to bathe her. Do you have any suggestions?
Concerned

Dear Concerned,
Hose her down in the back yard. The farther you step back the less you’ll hear her cry. You could probably stand a good 20 feet away if you put a good arc on it. Grab a beer when your finished. By the time your done with that, she should be dry. A great timesaver tip is to put her on your car and wash both at the same time. If you use a liquid wax, she’ll have a beautiful shine.


Dear Arnold,
Is breast milk really that much better than formula for your infant?
Sally

Dear Sally,
I tell you, milk coming out of a person’s chest just ain’t natural. Next thing you know people are gonna want diapers to grow out of womens' heads. My mother didn't believe in either one. Her baby feeding rule was, “Big enough to touch your feet, old enough to eat red meat”. My advice, see if your baby can grab its feet. If it can, dump milk and formula and go straight to beef.


Dear Arnold,
We really believe in baby massage. We feel that it enhances our emotional bonds with our child. Do you have any suggestions of a type of oil that is best for massaging a little baby?
Susan

Dear Susan,
Let me get this straight; you massage your baby? Massages are for strained muscles and the occasional happy ending. Sounds like a bunch of hippie horse crap to me. But as far as a good oil, Valvoline 10w-30 has a multi-viscosity formula that should last a good 5,000 miles depending on use. WD-40 is good too and it’s got that little red straw for those hard to reach places.


Dear Arnold,
My wife gave birth last week and I wondered if you had any advice on my transition to fatherhood and how I can become more involved?
Rick

Dear Rick,
From what I gather your job is done. Your got her knocked up, congratulations. Now go back to work.


Dear Arnold,
Are there any sexual positions that would increase my chances for conceiving?
Veronica

Dear Veronica,
You mean like doing it with the lights on? I don't know what you perverts are asking, but there's only one position sanctioned by the Bible as the way God intended for his flock to procreate; it's called the "Reverse Two-Legged Stump Mule", and so far I've only injured myself and three other people in all my years of doing it. Thanks to the Mule I've got four kids and a couple more that I think are mine.

Ten Ways To Spice Up Your Love Life

if anyone has any thing to add... comment away

1. Incorporate some food. Slather a rack of ribs on your chest or take a bath in bread crumbs… sexy!
2. Ask your lover if he/she would like to play the dirty trombone!
3. Perhaps a prostitute to liven up that boring anniversary.
4. Heat up the night with a nice game of “Turtle.”
5. Okay… now you're Lynndie England and I’m the Iraqi prisoner.
6. Share sexy stories about past girl/boy friends.
7. Surprise sweetie... we just did it live on webcamsupersluts.com!
8. Nothing says I love you like waking up next to a Cleveland steamer.
9. Motivate your lover. During sex, point out all the things they do wrong.
10. Try doing it in front of your dog.

Scientists Baffled Why Attempts at Gerbil-Powered Space Probe Continue to Fail

Team members at NASA's Gerbil Propulsion Laboratory are regrouping after yet another disasterous attempt at gerbil-powered space flight. Their space probe Galactic Voyager veered from its predetermined path and is now drifting aimlessly in space. All onboard, Brown Gerbil, White Gerbil and Brown-and-White Gerbil, are feared dead.

"It’s back to the drawing board," said mission specialist Dale Rogers. "I just don’t get it. The gerbils run in the little plastic ball. It spins. Energy is created. It should be so simple. Maybe we should have used hamsters "

Scientists are checking data on meteors, solar winds and radiation. A flight scheduled for May was scrubbed when one of the gerbilnauts escaped, chewed through wiring, and gave birth to babies in the navigation computers.

This is the 12th mission to end in disaster and the government is pondering pulling the plug on gerbil power research. "It's just not come to fruition like we were told" said Bill Halloway goverment overseer for NASA. "Gerbil powered cars, TVs, trains... The science is sound. We just haven't seen the results."

"We don't know what happened on Mission 12. Some are discussing how the gerbils didn't have food and water," said Dale Rogers. "We're running that data through some of the supercomputers right now. I'm skeptical of that theory myself. It looks more like a blast of gamma rays altered the DNA of the gerbils making them lazy and stupid. That's where I'd put my money."

Housing Bubble About to Burst. Economy Prepares for Soap in the Eye

With housing prices at record highs, economists around the country are watching the housing bubble waiting for what they see as the inevitable burst. What impact will a popped housing bubble have on the economy? No one knows, but there are a lot of questions. For example: What sound will the pop make? Will we get soap in our eyes? Why can’t we catch the bubble in our hands without it popping?

Answers to these questions are important in determining the effect it will have on the economy. Will the pop be loud and sudden or will it gradually deflate and merely whine like a leaking balloon? What if the bubble floats up too high for us to grab? Is there some sort of house bubble making machine? What if the bubble pops in our mouths? Will it taste bad?

“I’m not going to buy a house if it’s just going to burst later,” said the Smiths, a young couple in the market for a house in Seattle. “We keep hearing about this bubble and we’re worried. Can this bubble be reblown like bubble gum or will it pop into nothing like a soap bubble. Alan Greenspan isn’t answering these questions and it has us worried. I think we'll get an apartment. Those aren't going to pop are they?”

"The housing bubble is a mysterious unknown," says David Crenshaw an economist at Harvard. "I've done extensive research on this phenomena by blowing bubbles in my bathtub. I blew big bubbles and small bubbles. None impacted the economy whatsoever. So my impression is that there is absolutely nothing to worry about."

Learn to Play the Cat in 10 minutes

by Ralph Breakwind

Nothing makes an evening more enjoyable then sitting around playing the Cat. Whether with a group of friends or on stage with a band, few instruments are blessed with the unique sound than that of a well-played Cat. Here are some pointers to get you on your way to playing the Cat.

1. It's important to have good Cat-playing form. The traditional method is the "Stomp-and-Grab" method. Grab head, lift up while pinning body to ground with your left foot. Arc arm. Get a solid grip with your left hand and remember to breath.

2. With your right arm, squeeze Cat. Did you notice the sound? Congratulations. That’s the first step toward being an accomplished Cat player.

3. Play around first. Squeeze your Cat in different areas and explore the tonal qualities of your new instrument. Once you feel comfortable try a simple song like “Mary had a little Lamb”.

4. Remember playing a Cat won’t come easily at first. So to become a good player you must do three things: Practice, practice and wear gloves.

5. If you know of friends who play the Cat, try "jamming" with them. It's a fun way to learn.

Remember, you're not going to be "rocking out" at first. Playing a Cat is difficult but with practice and commitment you'll be able to squeeze sounds out of your Cat that you never knew existed.

Tiget Bear Wolf

Tiger Bear Wolf - S/T
(2005, Hello Sir Records)

I try my best to remain non-prjudicial about new bands. The one thing that can put a bad taste in my mouth before even popping the disk into my player though is the assertion by some boneheaded critic that a band is going to "save rock and roll". Rock is apparently a highly fragile damsel tied to the railroad tracks by a mustache twirling, top-hatted villain. The truth is that Rock and Roll doesn't need saving, never has. She's a shit-kicking hell raiser who can take care of herself. She just needs celebrating. If you're THAT concerned then start a damn preservation society or something. Its also interesting that none of those bands ever sound anything like Bill Haley and The Comets, instead they wallow in the bloated self indulgence that was killing rock in the mid-70's.
On their self-titled debut, Greensboro, NC's Tiger Bear Wolf actually have something new to bring to the table. When they say, "I'll take up my guitar cause I know one thing worth saving is rock and roll," there's a bit of cheekiness to the statement. They are the celebrators and not the self-proclaimed saviors. Don't take that to mean that they're the least bit ironic, when it comes to kicking out the jams they're serious. What they don't do is rest their laurels on emulating a specific rock sound for the sake of nostalgia.
What Tiger Bear Wolf does is incorporate the last thirty five odd years of rock history into their sound. There's the impetuous energy of The Stooges, the sloppy production and heavy riffage of The MC5, the braying bark of Fugazi's Ian MacKaye, the acrobatic guitaristry of Drive Like Jehu and the sophisticated innovation of Mission of Burma. One thing these guys aren't are posseurs. This album proves that sweaty energy ain't just for cock rockers anymore.
The bursts from your speakers sound so spontanious and primal that the complexity of the songs may pass you by on first listen. They don'y just grab you by the balls, they also grab you by the head. There's as much math as there is testosterone in Tiger Bear Wolf. With this release we've come closer to the day that mullets and mohawks can embrace in fellowship. I will never say that rock and roll needs to be saved, but I will admit that they've saved me from boredom and monotony.

Young Republicans, America Needs You Now!

by Barton Bushfield

Fellow Republicans, I write this because America is in crisis. The war in Iraq is dragging. The armed services can't meet their already-lowered recruitment goals. The president's competency is under attack by the Democrats, and polls show dwindling support for the war.

It's time Republicans started doing more than just talk about the war. That's why I'm supporting Operation Yellow Elephant. This operation’s goal is to get all young Republicans, particularly those in college, who voted for George Bush and who support the war to join the armed services today!

I don't understand how any healthy young Republican can be attending college while America is under attack. You can't spread democracy by taking an English exam.

So this is what Operation Yellow Elephant asks of you: Bush voters, war supporters — put your ass where your mouth is. Put up or shut up. Stop what you're doing and enlist right now! I know you've purposefully kept those Army positions vacant so the poor minorities in this country have a way to pay for college, and that's admirable of you, but now it's time to fill the empty ranks with good ol' all-American Republicans!

Operation Yellow Elephant is helping the Army reach its recruiting goals. We've asked the College Republican National Committee to put recruiting banner's on their website and brochures. So far they have refused. I ask my fellow Republicans, how can the American people be expected to support a war if the supporters themselves refuse to fight? That's why I implore all young Republicans in college to enlist today. Support war, support your president!

But we must do more than join the Army, Navy or Marines. We must convince other war supporters to do their share as well. Therefore, I ask you to call the College Republican National Committee at (888) 765-3564 and tell them to put an Army recruiting banner on their site and to enlist as well. Call the organizers of the Young Republicans National Convention at 775-741-4430. Tell them it’s time their members put their lives on the line for George W. Visit your local college and ask the members of any Republican club to put down the books and pick up a rifle. Do it for America!

Visit www.militarygi.com to enlist and check out our Operations Homepage at http://patriotboy.blogspot.com to learn more. Come on Republicans. Let's go kick some ass!

Ask Arnold... in progress

Dear Arnold,
I have a tween who I believe is smoking. How do you suggest I handle it.
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
What the hell is a tween? Isn't that some kind of fish? Look, I don't know what you're smoking, but i'm not answering a question about a damn fish.

Dear Arnold,
My husband and I were caught having sex by my six-year-old son. It frightened him and I don’t know how to tactfully explain to him what we were doing. What do you suggest?
Embarrassed

Dear Embarrassed,
I was six years old myself when I walked in on my own parents. On the kitchen table were two moaning piles of sweaty fat rolls and double chins. I can still remember the horror of seeing my parents faces buried in a mound of flailing wrinkly limbs and jiggling thighs sloshing back and forth with every snorting spasm and wheezy grunt. Now imagine being six-years-old and realizing you were created from that unholy spectacle. That's why God invented door locks. Your son's just going to have to work through that one.

Dear Arnold,
My milk supply has been running low and I’m afraid my baby isn’t getting enough milk from my breast. What should I do?
Worried

Dear Worried,
Two words “Recombinant Bovine Somatotropin.” That’s fancy talk for cow growth hormone. Inject 300mg of that every three days and you'll be blowing your kid across the room.

Dear Arnold,
I have a 16-year-old daughter who has decided to be a vegetarian. The problem is I don't think she gets enough protein, and I'm worried abot her health. Should I let her continue?
Deloris

Dear Deloris,
If you don't eat meat, your humours get all unbalanced. Whenever our humours got off kilter, Grand Ma Ma thought would make us one of her medicinal bacon smoothies. Two-and-half pounds of bacon, fatback, butter, a chicken gizzard, thyme and some hog squeezin's. Blend until not so chunky.

Dear Arnold,
What are some alternatives to spanking. We really would not like to spank our child.
Randy

Dear Randy,
I agree, spanking is a pansy-ass way to raise a kid. My father had a much better way. He'd give me "The Look" followed by a series of back hands and would always say, "When we were conceiving you at that bus station, I should have rolled over and shot you into the wall." Then it was straight back to the basement. I turned out great, outside of that stint at Leavenworth.

Insurgent Car Bombers Hold First Annual “Pimped Out Ride” Contest

by Rusty McWackin

Downtown Baghdad was bustling today at the First Annual Baghdad Car Bomber “Pimped Out Ride” Contest. Among the shouts of “Death to America” and “Allah is great”, were oohs and awes as car bombers from all over Iraq viewed each other's tricked-out vehicles and shared secrets on the latest explosive concealing techniques.

One participant, Akmed, an American-hating Saudi Arabian who drives a "totally pimped-out" Ford Escort had a crowd gathered around him. They wanted to learn the secrets of his rust-colored, four-cylinder, two-seater with bald tires and shot brakes.

“Yo this car is da bomb!” says Akmed, excitedly popping the rear window for his Al Qaeda buddies, “Check it out. I’ve got C-4 packed in the back. I've got it in my mags. I’ve got screws and bolts jammed in the frame for that extra zing zing… you know what I’m saying. I’ve got exploding doors. I’ve got 20 under the hood (20 lbs of dynamite). My gear shift is filled with nitroglycerin and my pine tree air freshener is made of gun powder. The driver's seat is soaked in gasoline. And check this out…” Akmed pulls back his shirt to reveal a suicide vest. The crowd cheers. “I’m riding this baby to my 100 virgins in the sky… beyatch… after I blow up some people waiting in line for food… Praise Allah.”

There were more than just cars at the Baghdad contest. Some insurgents drove in on modified three-wheelers with shoulder-fired rockets, mopeds with flame throwers, even a bicycle with fireworks duct taped to the frame. “I’m poor,” said the bike rider,” but we’re such a close knit group. I wanted to show support.” He was later given a stick of dynamite to put on his handlebar horn by a sympathetic insurgent. “You see what I mean“, he said choking back tears, “these guys are the best.”

The event was relatively peaceful, with a few mishaps The slamming of car doors, the occasional smoker, or someone standing near a car caused some insurgents to prematurely martyr themselves, but everyone agrees, it was all in the name of good fun.

The winner was an insurgent from Kirkuk whose tricked-out Volkswagen Beetle held enough power to level a downtown block. He was awarded the “Praise Allah, Death to America” award, which was a bronzed stick of C-4 that accidentally exploded when he raised it above his head in celebration.

After a nice meal and the shouting of “Death to American Pig Dogs”, they all left to test the pimpness of their explosive rides on unsuspecting women and children around the city.

Ask Arnold

Dear Arnold,
How do you know when your child is old enough to be potty trained?
Sincerely,
Tired of Diapers.

Dear Tired of Diapers.
It’s all about the subtle clues. For instance, I knew it was time for little Henry to try the potty when he came up to me and said, ”Dad, the diapers are giving me a rash when I mow the lawn.” That was the sign that little Henry didn’t need to change his own diapers any more. He had become a man.

Dear Arnold,
Our baby cries a lot. What’s a good way to sooth a crying baby and make them stop.
Tired.

Dear Tired,
Duct tape, dirty sock, muzzle, glue... there's just too many to mention. A question like that makes me think you're not really trying.


Dear Arnold,
I’m wondering if our child is suffereing from ADD - attention deficit disorder. He's showing signs of inattention, impulsivity and hyperactivity. What should we do?
Concerned

Dear Concerned,
Let’s see here. You’re kid gets bored easily, likes to do spontaneous things and has a lot of energy. That sure doesn’t sound like any kid I know. He's probably just a little stupid, and as far as I know there's no cure for that.

Dear Arnold,
My son's soccer coach refuses to play my son even though I know he's as good as the other kids. What's the best way to handle this situation?
Dan

Dear Dan,
The best time to handle this is in the middle of a soccer game. Pull a knife on the coach and tell him to meet you behind Piggly Wiggly. If he refuses to go, show your son how to deal withany disagreement by throwing a swift punch to his throat and doing a Pekinese Groin Grab. (Look at his wife while you do this.) It's a little demasculating trick I learned in Da Nang.

Dear Arnold,
What are some things to look out for when we’re buying toys for our three-year-old son.
Patrick

Dear Patrick,
Don’t get him anything gay. You don’t want to turn your boy into some flaming ass hound because you got him a doll or something pink. Nothing will turn a boy queerer faster than a bunch of gay toys. Get guns, knives, things to teach him how to defend our country from the boys who grew up with gay toys. As far as girls, just get them some kitchen cooking tea-set crap, so they can get started on learning how to cook for their man.

Rush Limbaugh Injures Self Pulling Statistic Out of Ass

Veteran talk show host and Republican spokesman Rush Limbaugh left the airing of his radio show yesterday and was rushed to a local hospital after sustaining injuries from pulling a statistic out of his ass.

Limbaugh’s prodigious ass, known for holding a wide assortment of facts, quotes and figures, is also home to an ever-present array of statistics. Normally blessed with ample girth and an excessively wide opening, the removal of facts and statistics from Limbaugh’s ass has never held any threat of injury until yesterday. Limbaugh was reaching into his ass to retrieve a statistic on the “bald face lie known as global warming.” when the accident occurred.

Unable to retrieve the statistic, Limabugh ignored the warnings from Mr. Snerdly and attempted to remove the statistic with both hands, causing him to slip and his head to become lodged in his own ass. He was last seen being wheeled into the hospital on a stretcher, double-chin deep and asking for a "couple of handfuls of Oxycontin" to ease the pain. The surgeon attending Limbaugh told reporters that it appears these statistics were unexpectedly caught on a swollen hemorrhoid and a half-digested corndog lodged in Limbaugh's colon.

Limbaugh’s lawyer told reporters that his client was doing fine, appreciated the many letters of support and should be out of the hospital in a matter of days. After grunting and reaching behind himself, the lawyer held up a paper and said that 87% of all radio-show personalities have "ass/statistic" problems, and that 98% of all liberals are spawned from the loins of Satan himself.

How to Make a Million Dollars, The Chester Hatfield Way!

Are bills getting you down? Hate your job? Tired of eating Ramen noodles for breakfast? Well I've got some great news for you. I know a way to make tons of cash, fast and easy. I’m living proof. In fact, I took a shower today and dried myself off with a pile of $1000 bills. Why? Because I’m crazy… crazy with money!

What if I were to tell you that you can make a million dollars? It's true... and all you have to do is tell people that you know how to make a million dollars... You’re looking unconvinced. But trust me. It’s easy. Buy my book and DVD for $179.99, and learn my method and you’ll be sitting back on an undisclosed beach watching the money pour right in.

Why should you buy my DVD and book for the low, low price of $179.99? Because in it is a secret that no one wants you to know. Only I possess it, and I want to give it to you... for the low, low price of $179.99. All you need is the courage to take charge of your life and convince others that you know a secret way to make a million dollars.

You might be thinking, gee Chester, I don’t know a secret way to make a million dollars. That’s the beauty of my plan; you don’t have to know how to make a million dollars to make a million dollars!

This is what you’ll get for your money:
1. An instructional book to sell as your own, “How to Make A Million Dollars The _______ _______ Way!”
2. A pre-written ad for newspapers describing what you're offering. With exciting phrases like, "Are bills getting you down?", "Crazy with Money!" and "This is what you'll get for your money:"
3. An instructional video that teaches you where to find agreeable mindless models that will act like they love your product.
4. Tips on which maniacal greasy-hair look works best with what desperate gullible demographic.
5. Steps on how to look into the camera and act like your just about to achieve orgasm, yet still point to a yacht that you don’t even own!

I’m telling you folks, you’re missing out if you don’t act now. For just $179.99 you can change your life. Come on! Start Making Money the Chester Hatfield Way!

Ask Arnold - in progress

Dear Arnold,
My 12 year old is still using the bathroom in his pants. He’s embarrassed but seems unable to control himself. What should I do?
Concerned

Dear Concerned,
I'll tell you what worked for both of my boys when they shat themselves... Mockery. I named one "Shatbritches", the other "Stinkass" and that’s what I called them until they stopped with the drawers full of stink, which I believe was about the same time they moved out of the house. If mockery doesn’t help, duct tape their ass cheeks together.


Dear Arnold,
The doctor says that I might have to have a cesarean. I want to give birth at home, but because of the baby's position, they say I need to be in a hospital. I think they're wrong, I'm going to give birth naturally at home anyway. What do you think?
Determined

Dear Determine,
That’s the attitude. Don’t listen to those doctors, what the hell do they know anyway. You stay at home and squeeze that puppy out. This is all about you. Don’t let that baby stand in the way of your birthing experience. Sure the baby might come out a little damaged, but that feeling of being a complete woman will last a lifetime.


Dear Arnold,
We believe in "attachement parenting" where we are very responsive to the infant's physical and emotional needs. We were wondering about your thoughts on co-sleeping.
Susan

Dear Susan,
I don’t even know where to start. Did this come to you after you sucked on a bong, or did a crystal beam that nonsense into your head while you worshipped a tree? I guess they’ll be one more hippie baby in the world my great grandson’s gonna have to smack in the head.


Dear Arnold,
I’ve heard that you can’t spoil a newborn, is that true?
David

Dear David,
Kids are born spoiled... waaa I need food… waaa I need milk... waaa I need human contact. Life is hard, dirty, and sometimes in Da Kang you gotta leave your buddy lying in a pool of his own entrails to fight off the commie onslaught. Praying death will come fast and let you take some stinking pinkos out with you.


Dear Arnold,
When I gave birth to my daughter two months ago, I decided to stop working and stay home. Now I'm wondering if I made the right decision. It's a lot of work and I have no time for other pursuits. What should I do?
Sally

Dear Sally,
Well you really screwed up didn’t you? Let’s see.... make money and deal with adults… or …. wipe poo off the inside thigh of some screaming snot factory. With decision-making skills like that, you would have failed in business anyway.

Don't Do Drugs - By Brandy

I just want people to know that I think drugs are like so not cool, you know. They make you stupid and stuff, and only losers do them. I mean some drugs are good like Daddy's heart medicine or Momma’s brain pills, but some drugs are bad like marawana and heroine. They make you dumb and rob people and murder old ladies. Why would you want to murder old ladies?

I knew this girl once who got high on marajana and she had sex with 42 football players. 42! At once! That’s 39 more than I’ve ever done. Then she was all high and stuff and raped this poodle in my neighborhood and then ate it. She ate a poodle! The cops found her naked on the highway covered in poodle hair, saying she saw Jesus. Now she’s locked up in a mental institution all because she thought it was cool to smoke majawana. I mean do you want to have sex with 54 football players, eat a poodle and see Jesus? I don’t. That’s why I am never ever gonna smoke marawana ever again. Because I love poodles and Jesus.

So remember what do you say if someone offers you pot? You say, I don’t need drugs to be cool! Take your drugs elsewhere druggie man.

Vatican Researching Possibility of Robo-Pope

Working on right now. I know there's a funny picture to be made here. Just need to find the pieces. If anyone can think of funny stuff post it.

With the health of Pope John Paul keeping the Vatican in a state of concern, Vatican officials have turned to scientists in the area of robotics for possibilities of prolonging the Pope's life, or creating a Half-Pope/Half-Machine Cybernetic ChristianTron should the Lord attempt to call him home.

"We're exploring all avenues. We have the technology. We can rebuild him, make him better, stronger," a spokesman for the Vatican stated. "It might be expensive. It could be in upwards of an eight to Ten-Million-Dollar Pope."

Among the benefits of a Robo-Pope is that the Pope Mobile, which is expensive to maintain, would be uneeded as the new Pope would be bullet proof. "And fully armed," said Archbishop Gatzania. "Though he would only kill with the blessings of God, or if the attacker is a non-Christian."

Another feature is that the Pope's outer casing will come in a wide variety of colors. "From Crucifixion Red to Self-Loathing Brown, though we'll probably go with a nice glistening Papal Gold. It's really an eye-catcher."

"There's also been talk of a high-volume holy water discharging device to blast blessings onto crowds of people. He would be programmed to speak 450 languages, and would use Google to search through 53 versions of the holy bible. We're still deciding whether the Pope will be Windows or Linux based. There would also be a deactivate button in case he gets out of control, which is good, you know how he tends to ramble."

Another possibility is a jet pack that would allow the Pope to fly to distressed parts of world and convert heathens from a life of sin. Also, Robo-Pope's super-human strength would allow him to more sucessfully fight the evil Anti-Pope who's lair is just too far for the Pope to walk to right now.

"We think he could really become the enforcer of Christian law," commented Archbishop Gatzania. "If I got a visit from Robo-Pope at my house I would definitly think twice about using condoms and I would probably have to change my robe, if you know what I'm saying."